YMBALI

[kagomeshuko]

The infamous YMBALI (You might be a Lutheran if. . .)

I can comment on some of them - others don't apply and will be under a cut.

• …when someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you immediately think of a battle over hymnals. Actually, I tend to think of Christmas unless it is in a Lutheran setting, then. . .)
  
• …during the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never look down at it. I am so totally guilty of this one!
  
• …during communion you hum the hymns so you can see who’s at church that Sunday. I sing the hymns if I know them, hum them if I don't, but I have been guilty of seeing who is there.
  
• …you have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and feel guilty about not staying to help clean up. I probably would if I did. People would probably have to tell us to just go. . .
  
• …you forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget to put water in the coffee pot. I haven't, but I've been the one to have to check if there is water in the baptismal font before a baptism, and then have to hurry to go get some.
  
• …the pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly 60 minutes. I've never had this happen, but I've had pastors only sing the first two verses of the last hymn.
  
• …your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality. This would apply more the Seventh-Day Adventist congregation that I knew. St. Paul had a pretty good music director. Now, as for the whole congregation, well, I can't really say. . .
  
• …you think a meeting isn’t legitimate unless it’s at least three hours long. I don't think so, but it seems that meetings tend to get this way; that, or the "let's meet so quickly that nothing really gets done" also seems to happen.
  
• …you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is. Well, a woman's group, now. Probably the W/ELCA.
  
• …http://www.luthbro.com is one of your bookmarks. (actually this should be changed to www.thrivent.com) No, but I get e-mails from Thrivent.
  
• …you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can. Sometimes this is true, most because I'm not sure if somebody wants me to laugh or not, though
  
• …it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye. Yeah, it can. My dad is especially this way, though. He'll ask if I'm ready to go and then he'll talk more.
  
• …they have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn’t empty. One Christmas eve, I found the pews this way. Of course, they were decorated with red bows and it was called decoration, but still. . .
  
• …you’re watching "Star Wars" in the theatre and when they say, "May the force be with you," the theatre replies, "and also with you." My sister says that she has done this.
  
• …you can say the meal prayer all in one breath. Yes, I can.
  
• …you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time. What Lutheran doesn't?
  
• …requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it’s not too much trouble then…" I hear it and I even say it at times.
  
• …you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can’t speak a word of it. I do know this. I can't tell you what it means, though I do remember my dad saying part of it is something like "the child with the dark, curly hair." I do know a few German phrases, but I don't speak German.
  
• …the only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus." This was true for a few years, but now I know quite a few mealtime prayers, even though they are the "fun" ones.
  
• …it’s 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after services. I don't drink coffee, but this is true at St. Paul.
  
• …you serve Jell-O as a vegetable. I don't, but one time, at a chruch meal, there was this green jello salad as a vegetable. Yuck!
  
• …your biggest fund-raisers are bake sales instead of bingo. There's is always a bake sale with the W/ELCA garage sale and also the Youth had bake sales and other fundraisers having to do with food.
  
• …you can’t have a meeting without having a meal. This is usually true.
  
• …sharing the peace during the service takes more time than the sermon. At St. Paul, this usually isn't the case, but it can be true.
  

These ones do not apply to me, though I understand them and find them funny.

• …you only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the season.
  
• …rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you check their name out in the guestbook.
  
• …you think Garrison Keillor’s stories are totally factual.
  
• …a midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the new one.
  
• …you don’t make eye contact when passing someone in the hall because you think it’s impolite.
  
• …you don’t know what was sooo funny about dat movie "Fargo" then.
  
• …in response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don’t do that around here.
  
• …peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color.
  
• …you make change in the offering plate for a ten.
  
• …you think butter is a spice.
  
• …the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot.
  
• …you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry.
  
• …the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.
  
• …you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.
  
• …your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk…
  
• …someone asks you after church if there’s any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn’t have caffeine, it can’t be coffee!
  
• …you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!)
  
• …you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.
  
• …doughnuts are in the official church budget.
  
• …you tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me, but you’re in my seat."
  
• …your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.
  
• …it’s time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers-one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.
  
• … you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.
  
• …you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!"
  
• … you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern."
  
• …you have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.
  
• …your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.
  
• …you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.
  
• …Folgers has you on their Christmas list.
  
• …you’re at an evangelistic rally and you actually manage to raise your hands waist high.
  
• …you and your family of six squeeze into the last pew along with the 140 members already sitting there.
  
• …at the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you respond "and also with you."
  
• …you can’t get into heaven without a casserole.
  
• …you notice the Kool Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation Bible School season.
  
• …you consider lottery tickets a serious investment.
  
• …you sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down.
  
• …a line item in the trustee’s budget is "coffee maker maintenance."
  
• …you think tuna hotdish is a gourmet meal.
  
• …your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true."
  
• …change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to church.
  
• …the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship Committee.
  
• …you win $10 million in the lottery and decide to throw a party and money is no object, so you advertise in the church bulletin, rent the parish hall, and ask all of your friends to bring a side dish or salad.
  
• …a capital fund drive is needed to finance the new one million cup coffee urn.
  
• …you refer to your trip to Minneapolis as a pilgrimage.
  
• …all your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.
  
• …you count coffee among the sacraments.
  

Stein Auf!
Bridget