Grief is complicated, life is tough . . .
Everything seems so wrong and when I feel okay, that seems wrong, too.
I prayed so much for Briana to get better, for her to have a diagnosis. I had thoughts about wondering if things could help with a diagnosis. They were nothing that I think would be dangerous physically or spiritually, but they weren't really things I believe in, even though I don't think it is anything that is terrible and against the Bible - that I know or can tell.
But, I had things to do such as a job and then I wanted to talk to Briana when I could. I felt bad when I would have to tell her that I could talk because I was working.
I hated having to tell her that I couldn't understand her, but she would just sound like somebody with a mouthful of something instead of like a person or like my sister after a bit of talking.
When she had suction, it was all I could really hear in the phone.
You expect to lose your parents when they are older, not when I lost them - Daddy when he was 55 (and I was 25) and Mama when she was 52 (and I was 30).
Yet, I know that all of them are no longer suffering. I'd never want them back to where they were suffering, but I would pray that they would get better.
Daddy had Type 1 diabetes (but not from youth - some bacteria or virus attacked his pancreas when he was sick and I was really little). From that, he had complications. He had Charcot's foot. He had his left leg amputate blow the knee because of that (in the summer of 2002) and then he had Charcot's foot in his right foot, too. (Diabetics, please, if you EVER have a blood blister on your foot, get it checked out QUICKLY . . .a nd if your foot starts looking misshapen, get your foot checked out IMMEDIATELY). My Daddy passed away from Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) and a heart attack with from those complications as he also had heart problems. I wish commercials wouldn't treat DKA like it is a condition that people just live with and manage like diabetes.
I was stressed with my Daddy. I was not using a transport wheelchair to get around yet with my Daddy, though I did not walk around a lot of places like a lot of people. My Daddy would make me push him around in his wheelchair. He would make me get his wheelchair out of the van that we had. He had a HEAVY wheelchair and he was over 200 lbs. Yes, me, as small as I am, he made me do those things.
Mama was an alcoholic (and she was before our Daddy died). She abused her antidepressants and she would only go to a GP about them and he would do whatever she wanted rather than be good about discussing them and talking through. I know that SHE could have still abused them, but the doctor was not good. My Mama ultimately passed away from sepsis. However, there were tons of issues. I was so stressed with Mama. She was always falling. She was always bruising herself. I was always trying to get her to go to the hospital when she fell, but she would refuse. It wasn't until I was arrested on those false charges that I found out somebody had reported me for elder abuse. I never did anything to abuse my Mama.
I still love my parents, despite all the awful things in life on this earth. I know they loved and love me, too.
I know Briana loved and loves me. She was stressful, too, though. When she was healthier, it was better. However, I wanted to give her her independence I have no idea how many adult tricylces and laptops and other electronics she went through. She would ride her adult tricycle around town - all around town - when she had one. Sometimes, she made it back to the house fine. However, there were other times when she would go riding and then the police would call me. I never had a car that was big enough to carry an adult tricycle. I would have to call a friend who had a big truck if nobody else would help. That was often the case. I don't know exactly when things got so bad with Briana. I had no idea how she could makede such a huge mess all of the time. Then, the few days or the week when she had been released from the nursing home, I literally saw her pull TONS of stuff out that had been cleaned up and throw them all over the floor in a matter of MINUTES. I couldn't have made a mess like that unless I had been given HOURS to make it. She was basically in some trance and then she blamed the mess on somebody else and insisted that she was looking for an item that would've been right in front of her face if she had just looked. I don't remember when it was, but it was with her and her dogs and I told her that things were fine and that the dog food was just in the car and we could get it (this was a normal thing), and yet, she went out riding her trike with her dogs and it was getting late and the police called me and she was at somebody's house. She had went up to the person's door and knocked on it, saying she was looking for dog food. It was kind of in the area of our neighborhood as it was near the school where we go to vote, but it was down the street at a little dead end. This made no sense. I had go to get her and hold her dogs as they (mainly Krueger) would not let the police get near her. Then then pneumonia in March 2019 and I can only wonder if she did something to her body when she gaver herself hypothermia in January 2019 . . . and if the hospital should have looked for more. But, from March 2019 to August 2019, I was constantly dealing with her health problems, running up and down to hospitals or the nursing home and doctor appointments, praying that she would get better, trying to find information, and not getting decent answers from doctors. I was not happy that they were not sending her to any specialty hospitals. I wanted her to be able to eat safely. I don't know how bad managing her secretions was. I had always tried to get Briana to go to the dentist, but she wouldn't. I know she had EXTREMELY rotten bottom teeth. I have no idea if this contributed to her dysphagia and reflux issues, though I know it might be possible.
There's so much about feeling responsible for her (though, I know, I was not ultimately responsible for her) because of how I was basically pushed to be responsible for so much that I should not have been responsible for as a kid.
My Mama would INSIST that I was her best friend. I HATED that. I loved my Mama and she was and is my Mama, but she was NOT my best friend. She did not want me to sleep in my own room. She would sabotage it by always having heavy boxes on my bed.
My parents, I guess when I was in middle school, started putting me in between them. My Daddy would take me aside and complain and say, "Well, your Mama . . ." and go on and on about things that bothered him. And then, I got it from my Mama, too. She would do it with, "Well, your Daddy . . ."
And then, Briana got away with so much. She was never made to be responsible for tons of things. For some things, yes, but not everything she should have been.
It doesn't mean I loved any of them any less, though.
And, when I was in school, there were things that I really liked, but I was bullied so much that I often wanted to go home because I knew love there. It got me away from the bullying.
There are plenty of good stories I can tell, too. It's very conflicting.
And I still have my faith. I don't understand why God does things this way and I do wish I could literally visit my Mama, my Daddy, my sister, my past doggies, so many friends . . . even if God does have them up there, my goldfish that I had when I was little.
I'm sad. I'm not relived that I have no immediate blood relatives, but I am relieved of not having the heaviness of the responsibility of caring for them - and yet, there's that guilt that it's not there because of the feeling of having to be responsible.
There are a couple of groups on Facebook where I at least am learning that these feelings are often common when having a sibling with disabilites.
I don't know if Briana had more than just Asperger's, but to me, there seems there may have been more issues than just her physical ones. The trance and the messes make me think there was more.
There's so much I want to write and want to talk about and it is so complicated . . .
But, at least I know Jesus is real and Jesus loves me and that my family is up in heaven. Briana did discuss her faith with me, which maybe that is why, while I really miss her and cry, I am not crumpled up in bed or on the floor in grief like I was with my parents.
Others may have heard my parents discuss their faith, but they didn't really discuss anything with me. My Daddy definitely had faith, but when he tried to insist I go back to a church where I was clearly being spiritually abused and the one verse I heard the most as I got older was "Honor thy father and thy mother," which he would use to mean, "Blindly follow what your father and mother tell you," and then feeling he was a big hypocrite about things, it made it difficult.
When I would try to discuss faith with my Mama, all she would say was, "I guess I believe how you believe." It would be fine if she believed exactly how I believed (however that is, becacuse I don't know everything with how God works and faith works - if I did, I'd be God), as long as she would discuss things, but she wouldn''t.
Briana and I talked quite a bit about faith before she was sick. She would even come and talk to me and say she was afraid of not believing in Jesus being Lord and we would talk about how doubt is a part of faith, that we have that feeling and that is when Jesus comes near and lets us know that He is there and things will start looking better.
I have things I want to do. I want my theatre school and the creative consultant business. I want to advocate for those who have autism and Asperger's and disabilities. Another person in one of the sibling groups mentioned wanting to stand up and speak out and try to get these group homes to quit being able to just get by with the bare minimum and call that care. I know Briana was not treated well at the group home in Baker. She said it was dark and that she did not get to see sunlight. She was forced to be in a group home with elderly poeple who could not talk or move. Evergreen has group homes all around the country and what I wanted for Briana was for them to get her to a good place, but they insisted that she NEEDED to be in Louisiana. I would've thought that with her health issues, they would have sent her to one close to a REALLY GOOD hospital, ut that wasn't their thinking.
Then, the time that they would NOT answer about her being in the hospital and I couldn't find where she was, I had even gone to the local Evergreen office and they called and they wouldn't even tell the Evergreen office that she was in the hospital! "In the hospital" without telling any issues. I don't think that violates HIPAA. I don't know, but just, "she's in the hospital." That group home made me very angry as they would always lie to me. Honestly, I was scared Briana would pass away there and they would lie to me about it. When she was at the group home in Sulphur, they at least kept me informed and they let me talk to her on the phone.
I know, I am rambling, but I really needed to type this out.
I prayed so much for Briana to get better, for her to have a diagnosis. I had thoughts about wondering if things could help with a diagnosis. They were nothing that I think would be dangerous physically or spiritually, but they weren't really things I believe in, even though I don't think it is anything that is terrible and against the Bible - that I know or can tell.
But, I had things to do such as a job and then I wanted to talk to Briana when I could. I felt bad when I would have to tell her that I could talk because I was working.
I hated having to tell her that I couldn't understand her, but she would just sound like somebody with a mouthful of something instead of like a person or like my sister after a bit of talking.
When she had suction, it was all I could really hear in the phone.
You expect to lose your parents when they are older, not when I lost them - Daddy when he was 55 (and I was 25) and Mama when she was 52 (and I was 30).
Yet, I know that all of them are no longer suffering. I'd never want them back to where they were suffering, but I would pray that they would get better.
Daddy had Type 1 diabetes (but not from youth - some bacteria or virus attacked his pancreas when he was sick and I was really little). From that, he had complications. He had Charcot's foot. He had his left leg amputate blow the knee because of that (in the summer of 2002) and then he had Charcot's foot in his right foot, too. (Diabetics, please, if you EVER have a blood blister on your foot, get it checked out QUICKLY . . .a nd if your foot starts looking misshapen, get your foot checked out IMMEDIATELY). My Daddy passed away from Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA) and a heart attack with from those complications as he also had heart problems. I wish commercials wouldn't treat DKA like it is a condition that people just live with and manage like diabetes.
I was stressed with my Daddy. I was not using a transport wheelchair to get around yet with my Daddy, though I did not walk around a lot of places like a lot of people. My Daddy would make me push him around in his wheelchair. He would make me get his wheelchair out of the van that we had. He had a HEAVY wheelchair and he was over 200 lbs. Yes, me, as small as I am, he made me do those things.
Mama was an alcoholic (and she was before our Daddy died). She abused her antidepressants and she would only go to a GP about them and he would do whatever she wanted rather than be good about discussing them and talking through. I know that SHE could have still abused them, but the doctor was not good. My Mama ultimately passed away from sepsis. However, there were tons of issues. I was so stressed with Mama. She was always falling. She was always bruising herself. I was always trying to get her to go to the hospital when she fell, but she would refuse. It wasn't until I was arrested on those false charges that I found out somebody had reported me for elder abuse. I never did anything to abuse my Mama.
I still love my parents, despite all the awful things in life on this earth. I know they loved and love me, too.
I know Briana loved and loves me. She was stressful, too, though. When she was healthier, it was better. However, I wanted to give her her independence I have no idea how many adult tricylces and laptops and other electronics she went through. She would ride her adult tricycle around town - all around town - when she had one. Sometimes, she made it back to the house fine. However, there were other times when she would go riding and then the police would call me. I never had a car that was big enough to carry an adult tricycle. I would have to call a friend who had a big truck if nobody else would help. That was often the case. I don't know exactly when things got so bad with Briana. I had no idea how she could makede such a huge mess all of the time. Then, the few days or the week when she had been released from the nursing home, I literally saw her pull TONS of stuff out that had been cleaned up and throw them all over the floor in a matter of MINUTES. I couldn't have made a mess like that unless I had been given HOURS to make it. She was basically in some trance and then she blamed the mess on somebody else and insisted that she was looking for an item that would've been right in front of her face if she had just looked. I don't remember when it was, but it was with her and her dogs and I told her that things were fine and that the dog food was just in the car and we could get it (this was a normal thing), and yet, she went out riding her trike with her dogs and it was getting late and the police called me and she was at somebody's house. She had went up to the person's door and knocked on it, saying she was looking for dog food. It was kind of in the area of our neighborhood as it was near the school where we go to vote, but it was down the street at a little dead end. This made no sense. I had go to get her and hold her dogs as they (mainly Krueger) would not let the police get near her. Then then pneumonia in March 2019 and I can only wonder if she did something to her body when she gaver herself hypothermia in January 2019 . . . and if the hospital should have looked for more. But, from March 2019 to August 2019, I was constantly dealing with her health problems, running up and down to hospitals or the nursing home and doctor appointments, praying that she would get better, trying to find information, and not getting decent answers from doctors. I was not happy that they were not sending her to any specialty hospitals. I wanted her to be able to eat safely. I don't know how bad managing her secretions was. I had always tried to get Briana to go to the dentist, but she wouldn't. I know she had EXTREMELY rotten bottom teeth. I have no idea if this contributed to her dysphagia and reflux issues, though I know it might be possible.
There's so much about feeling responsible for her (though, I know, I was not ultimately responsible for her) because of how I was basically pushed to be responsible for so much that I should not have been responsible for as a kid.
My Mama would INSIST that I was her best friend. I HATED that. I loved my Mama and she was and is my Mama, but she was NOT my best friend. She did not want me to sleep in my own room. She would sabotage it by always having heavy boxes on my bed.
My parents, I guess when I was in middle school, started putting me in between them. My Daddy would take me aside and complain and say, "Well, your Mama . . ." and go on and on about things that bothered him. And then, I got it from my Mama, too. She would do it with, "Well, your Daddy . . ."
And then, Briana got away with so much. She was never made to be responsible for tons of things. For some things, yes, but not everything she should have been.
It doesn't mean I loved any of them any less, though.
And, when I was in school, there were things that I really liked, but I was bullied so much that I often wanted to go home because I knew love there. It got me away from the bullying.
There are plenty of good stories I can tell, too. It's very conflicting.
And I still have my faith. I don't understand why God does things this way and I do wish I could literally visit my Mama, my Daddy, my sister, my past doggies, so many friends . . . even if God does have them up there, my goldfish that I had when I was little.
I'm sad. I'm not relived that I have no immediate blood relatives, but I am relieved of not having the heaviness of the responsibility of caring for them - and yet, there's that guilt that it's not there because of the feeling of having to be responsible.
There are a couple of groups on Facebook where I at least am learning that these feelings are often common when having a sibling with disabilites.
I don't know if Briana had more than just Asperger's, but to me, there seems there may have been more issues than just her physical ones. The trance and the messes make me think there was more.
There's so much I want to write and want to talk about and it is so complicated . . .
But, at least I know Jesus is real and Jesus loves me and that my family is up in heaven. Briana did discuss her faith with me, which maybe that is why, while I really miss her and cry, I am not crumpled up in bed or on the floor in grief like I was with my parents.
Others may have heard my parents discuss their faith, but they didn't really discuss anything with me. My Daddy definitely had faith, but when he tried to insist I go back to a church where I was clearly being spiritually abused and the one verse I heard the most as I got older was "Honor thy father and thy mother," which he would use to mean, "Blindly follow what your father and mother tell you," and then feeling he was a big hypocrite about things, it made it difficult.
When I would try to discuss faith with my Mama, all she would say was, "I guess I believe how you believe." It would be fine if she believed exactly how I believed (however that is, becacuse I don't know everything with how God works and faith works - if I did, I'd be God), as long as she would discuss things, but she wouldn''t.
Briana and I talked quite a bit about faith before she was sick. She would even come and talk to me and say she was afraid of not believing in Jesus being Lord and we would talk about how doubt is a part of faith, that we have that feeling and that is when Jesus comes near and lets us know that He is there and things will start looking better.
I have things I want to do. I want my theatre school and the creative consultant business. I want to advocate for those who have autism and Asperger's and disabilities. Another person in one of the sibling groups mentioned wanting to stand up and speak out and try to get these group homes to quit being able to just get by with the bare minimum and call that care. I know Briana was not treated well at the group home in Baker. She said it was dark and that she did not get to see sunlight. She was forced to be in a group home with elderly poeple who could not talk or move. Evergreen has group homes all around the country and what I wanted for Briana was for them to get her to a good place, but they insisted that she NEEDED to be in Louisiana. I would've thought that with her health issues, they would have sent her to one close to a REALLY GOOD hospital, ut that wasn't their thinking.
Then, the time that they would NOT answer about her being in the hospital and I couldn't find where she was, I had even gone to the local Evergreen office and they called and they wouldn't even tell the Evergreen office that she was in the hospital! "In the hospital" without telling any issues. I don't think that violates HIPAA. I don't know, but just, "she's in the hospital." That group home made me very angry as they would always lie to me. Honestly, I was scared Briana would pass away there and they would lie to me about it. When she was at the group home in Sulphur, they at least kept me informed and they let me talk to her on the phone.
I know, I am rambling, but I really needed to type this out.