I just REALLY want to be a mother . . .
I know that I don't write here all that often now. Most people keep up with me on Facebook. However, I am still extremely glad that I have a LiveJournal. Sometimes things are just better on a journal site - even if I don't keep them private, they just don't feel right on Facebook - not even in notes.
It's mainly just called "being female," right now. I know that it's hormones and such in general, but it does bring up real wants and desires and sometimes things just suck.
For so long, I've just wanted a family of my own. When a guy was interested in me, some other girl got him to stop talking to me. I didn't even know he was interested in me, either. But, we were friends. That ended many years ago because this girl got him to marry her. They "prayed about it," but I know she has her ways of manipulation, too. I'm not gonig to say what's true and what's not . . . I just know those things and what it is from my view.
When I've liked other people that may have had a possibility, others get in the way. They lie about me and tell rumors. I don't know if there's a guy or not, but that's not even what this post is about.
I just really want a family of my own and everything seems to suck right now regarding that.
It's very cool that I'm finishing up my graduate school and getting a Master's in Theatre. What's not cool is the bias I face as somebody who has to use a transport wheelchair (and uses a service dog) due to scoliosis and has issues with flashback kind of stuff because of the perviously mentioned girl. I had that, but it got even worse after getting off of oxycodone. There are still times that I don't feel extremely normal and I hate it. I think some of the problem may have been the side effects from Losartan, too. It gave me TERRIBLE anxiety. It was like a buzzing coming from INSIDE of my head. Like, if you could place a constnatly running refrigerator in the middle of my head, the vibrations would come from the inside and go to the outside and then I'd feel them that way - all the way through. I couldn't explain the feeling, either. All I wanted to do was wave my hands around my head and say, "It feels like" and expect people to know. I lost all words to describe how it felt. It was awful and I NEVER wanted Briana to leave my side - not even when I just needed to go to the bathroom. Just Radar as my service dog wasn't enough. Stupid medicines.
Anyway, the thing is, I REALLY and DESPERATELY want to be a mother. I mean, even if this is an open adoption to where I get my child, I want to have that mother's love. I definitely don't have a decent living environment to raise a child at the moment. I don't have the budget for it, either. It could be an open adoption. It could be that a guy and I am in love and live in different households, so the child lives with him. It could be that the child is raised by the grandparent that lives in the same or a nearby town. I'll take any of those as long as I get to be a mother that sees her child.
Sure, in general, I would prefer all the tradiational stuff - falling in love, marriage, having children - but I also know that I may not be able to do things that way. I want to have a child before I am not able to have children. I know there may be hope to reversing that for women, but it's nowhere near common place practice.
So, while it is trite and not as important as praying for things like cures to cancer and people getting better from illnesses and so many other things, if you pray, could you please pray for me that this does come to fruition. This really is a huge desire of my heart and God knows the desires of our hearts.
Right now, I feel like I'm worthless without being a mother somehow. And, honestly, being that my Mama passed away back in 2012, without being a mother and without somebody that's the father of a child of mine, both mother's day and father's day suck.
Briana is my sister and not my child, so there is nothing that's really the same there. I hate that people say she is my daughter. If there were true, she'd be extremely more respectful of me. I know that much. That's just because of how I would raise a child and how my Mama raised us - making me be the responsible one and always blaming me for things while she let Briana cuddle and get away with tons of stuff.
I just really, REALLY, want to be a mother, so badly . . .
It's mainly just called "being female," right now. I know that it's hormones and such in general, but it does bring up real wants and desires and sometimes things just suck.
For so long, I've just wanted a family of my own. When a guy was interested in me, some other girl got him to stop talking to me. I didn't even know he was interested in me, either. But, we were friends. That ended many years ago because this girl got him to marry her. They "prayed about it," but I know she has her ways of manipulation, too. I'm not gonig to say what's true and what's not . . . I just know those things and what it is from my view.
When I've liked other people that may have had a possibility, others get in the way. They lie about me and tell rumors. I don't know if there's a guy or not, but that's not even what this post is about.
I just really want a family of my own and everything seems to suck right now regarding that.
It's very cool that I'm finishing up my graduate school and getting a Master's in Theatre. What's not cool is the bias I face as somebody who has to use a transport wheelchair (and uses a service dog) due to scoliosis and has issues with flashback kind of stuff because of the perviously mentioned girl. I had that, but it got even worse after getting off of oxycodone. There are still times that I don't feel extremely normal and I hate it. I think some of the problem may have been the side effects from Losartan, too. It gave me TERRIBLE anxiety. It was like a buzzing coming from INSIDE of my head. Like, if you could place a constnatly running refrigerator in the middle of my head, the vibrations would come from the inside and go to the outside and then I'd feel them that way - all the way through. I couldn't explain the feeling, either. All I wanted to do was wave my hands around my head and say, "It feels like" and expect people to know. I lost all words to describe how it felt. It was awful and I NEVER wanted Briana to leave my side - not even when I just needed to go to the bathroom. Just Radar as my service dog wasn't enough. Stupid medicines.
Anyway, the thing is, I REALLY and DESPERATELY want to be a mother. I mean, even if this is an open adoption to where I get my child, I want to have that mother's love. I definitely don't have a decent living environment to raise a child at the moment. I don't have the budget for it, either. It could be an open adoption. It could be that a guy and I am in love and live in different households, so the child lives with him. It could be that the child is raised by the grandparent that lives in the same or a nearby town. I'll take any of those as long as I get to be a mother that sees her child.
Sure, in general, I would prefer all the tradiational stuff - falling in love, marriage, having children - but I also know that I may not be able to do things that way. I want to have a child before I am not able to have children. I know there may be hope to reversing that for women, but it's nowhere near common place practice.
So, while it is trite and not as important as praying for things like cures to cancer and people getting better from illnesses and so many other things, if you pray, could you please pray for me that this does come to fruition. This really is a huge desire of my heart and God knows the desires of our hearts.
Right now, I feel like I'm worthless without being a mother somehow. And, honestly, being that my Mama passed away back in 2012, without being a mother and without somebody that's the father of a child of mine, both mother's day and father's day suck.
Briana is my sister and not my child, so there is nothing that's really the same there. I hate that people say she is my daughter. If there were true, she'd be extremely more respectful of me. I know that much. That's just because of how I would raise a child and how my Mama raised us - making me be the responsible one and always blaming me for things while she let Briana cuddle and get away with tons of stuff.
I just really, REALLY, want to be a mother, so badly . . .