Hard Shelled Bubble
FYI: I'm currently working on a video for my Sister of her wedding. The event was wonderful. More about that when I'm not in a shitty mood.
This weekend was about relaxing and getting some local social time in. What a fucking bust.
Friday was pretty good. We did an Oktoberfest in our house. German music, german sausage, german beer. No one random, just local friends -- it was a small gathering, and it was pretty fun. There's really nothing more to report about it.
This evening, however, fucking sucked. It sucked a LOT. IMMENSELY.
Tonight was the 'Pants-Optional Party', downtown. Frankly, pants or no pants, it didn't make a difference. I had concerns when we arrived and the place seemed already full -- it was in a little apartment. I did the math in my head -- over twenty people were there already. At least 25 more people were likely to arrive. NOT enough space. But hey, it's a party! So we all chilled out -- which is to say, everyone started chatting with people. Except me of course, because I'm clearly anti-social. I can't fucking hear anything in those parties, I don't know anyone. But at first, you know, that was the point. Let's meet new people! Maybe there's some really cool people here that I should get to know. No such luck.
I could deal with the idiot stuffing junk in to his pants. I got a little irked by the morons who held someone down while they taped his legs together. The homophobic humor I could ignore. The pot-smoking on the balcony and the joint rolling in the change room, who cares. But let me set this straight in case you missed it last year -- the smell of pot and cigarettes? It makes me ill. I started getting a headache. But it's a party! Have fun!
It occured to me that I had the best conversation of the evening on the bus on the way up. It probably ranked at about a 2, or maybe a 1.5 out of 10 on the scale of good conversations. (10 being high, of course) At the party? FLAT ZERO. The only time anybody (read: two people) even expressed ANY interest in me was when I backed away from the stench and noise and tried to calm myself out of being nautious. And that was in both cases 1) "Why aren't you in the party?" folloed by the empty and worthless promise of 2) "Well, I'm going to get a drink and then I'm going to hang out with you."
Nice try. I don't feel included. Go enjoy yourself, I'll only make you upset, I guarentee it.
But really, the hard part of the evening was a little run down of my social situation. Parties? No-go. Even if I'm drinking, they don't seem to work. Ok, Clubs... no, none that interest me or aren't populated by socially dejected people (anime clubs terrify me). Hmmm... hobby shops! Oh... right, there aren't any. Not near by at least. Uh, CLASSES! Yeah! wait, no. Every class I have has all the same students in it. And I barely know them. Aaand those that I do know fall in to a handful of groups. The smallest being 'Friends?', or people who I am friendly with, but who seem to avoid actual conversation with me. The rest are unknowns or people who bother me.
Fuck. What's left? Residence! Oh, no. That doesn't work. South res is filled with drunked first years. I remember living there. Foley Hall is a fortress, no entry without prior admission. North res is quiet. Most people are just trying to study. I don't know anyone on campus that I'd be comfortable in visiting. Except maybe my own housemates...
And then we're down to the final three. Kris, Jack and Riley. You could include John and Gang if you wanted to be particularly depressing. Lets be frank, here -- I don't even really know the people I'm living with. We get along, sure, and I LIKE these guys, but I don't feel like we're really friends. We have little parties, and occasionally we chat... but I've only ever had any serious conversations with Kris. Not Jack, and I barely even know what Riley looks like half the time. (I think it took me over a month to realize he cut his hair, but sheer credit to the rarity of his appearances).
Well fuck. 1 person.
And he's busy. And we share very few interests. I brought down most of my boardgames when I moved in this year. I like boardgames because they NEED more than one person. They're social by default. It seems like a good way to spend time with people, at least to me. (Am I wrong?)
We pulled out Dreamblade once. I felt like an idiot for even liking it. I brought out Polarity once. Everyone thought it was neat, but no one was interested in playing it, just fucking around with the magnets. Wheeeee.
The most meaningful interactions I've had on a regular basis in the last two months have been VOICE CHATS with someone 150km away. I don't get any face to face contact with anyone. I don't get visitors. I don't get calls. Hell, the only person I talk to regularly who DOESN'T live in our house talks about 3 things: Class, Exes, and nonsense. Wonderful.
How the fuck have I been living here for over 3 years and managed to accumalte about .8 friends? What the fuck is wrong with me?
No wonder I can't get out on dates. I can't even get any friends. How fucking pathetic is that. It doesn't help that I still feel like a monster, ugly and undesirable. You never realize how awful you feel until someone gets out of their seat on the bus when you sit next to them, and they proceed to stand. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I looked like a rapist to you. I'll try harder in the future to blend in.
But I've got my school work, and my games. They'll keep me occupied.
Kill me now.
This weekend was about relaxing and getting some local social time in. What a fucking bust.
Friday was pretty good. We did an Oktoberfest in our house. German music, german sausage, german beer. No one random, just local friends -- it was a small gathering, and it was pretty fun. There's really nothing more to report about it.
This evening, however, fucking sucked. It sucked a LOT. IMMENSELY.
Tonight was the 'Pants-Optional Party', downtown. Frankly, pants or no pants, it didn't make a difference. I had concerns when we arrived and the place seemed already full -- it was in a little apartment. I did the math in my head -- over twenty people were there already. At least 25 more people were likely to arrive. NOT enough space. But hey, it's a party! So we all chilled out -- which is to say, everyone started chatting with people. Except me of course, because I'm clearly anti-social. I can't fucking hear anything in those parties, I don't know anyone. But at first, you know, that was the point. Let's meet new people! Maybe there's some really cool people here that I should get to know. No such luck.
I could deal with the idiot stuffing junk in to his pants. I got a little irked by the morons who held someone down while they taped his legs together. The homophobic humor I could ignore. The pot-smoking on the balcony and the joint rolling in the change room, who cares. But let me set this straight in case you missed it last year -- the smell of pot and cigarettes? It makes me ill. I started getting a headache. But it's a party! Have fun!
It occured to me that I had the best conversation of the evening on the bus on the way up. It probably ranked at about a 2, or maybe a 1.5 out of 10 on the scale of good conversations. (10 being high, of course) At the party? FLAT ZERO. The only time anybody (read: two people) even expressed ANY interest in me was when I backed away from the stench and noise and tried to calm myself out of being nautious. And that was in both cases 1) "Why aren't you in the party?" folloed by the empty and worthless promise of 2) "Well, I'm going to get a drink and then I'm going to hang out with you."
Nice try. I don't feel included. Go enjoy yourself, I'll only make you upset, I guarentee it.
But really, the hard part of the evening was a little run down of my social situation. Parties? No-go. Even if I'm drinking, they don't seem to work. Ok, Clubs... no, none that interest me or aren't populated by socially dejected people (anime clubs terrify me). Hmmm... hobby shops! Oh... right, there aren't any. Not near by at least. Uh, CLASSES! Yeah! wait, no. Every class I have has all the same students in it. And I barely know them. Aaand those that I do know fall in to a handful of groups. The smallest being 'Friends?', or people who I am friendly with, but who seem to avoid actual conversation with me. The rest are unknowns or people who bother me.
Fuck. What's left? Residence! Oh, no. That doesn't work. South res is filled with drunked first years. I remember living there. Foley Hall is a fortress, no entry without prior admission. North res is quiet. Most people are just trying to study. I don't know anyone on campus that I'd be comfortable in visiting. Except maybe my own housemates...
And then we're down to the final three. Kris, Jack and Riley. You could include John and Gang if you wanted to be particularly depressing. Lets be frank, here -- I don't even really know the people I'm living with. We get along, sure, and I LIKE these guys, but I don't feel like we're really friends. We have little parties, and occasionally we chat... but I've only ever had any serious conversations with Kris. Not Jack, and I barely even know what Riley looks like half the time. (I think it took me over a month to realize he cut his hair, but sheer credit to the rarity of his appearances).
Well fuck. 1 person.
And he's busy. And we share very few interests. I brought down most of my boardgames when I moved in this year. I like boardgames because they NEED more than one person. They're social by default. It seems like a good way to spend time with people, at least to me. (Am I wrong?)
We pulled out Dreamblade once. I felt like an idiot for even liking it. I brought out Polarity once. Everyone thought it was neat, but no one was interested in playing it, just fucking around with the magnets. Wheeeee.
The most meaningful interactions I've had on a regular basis in the last two months have been VOICE CHATS with someone 150km away. I don't get any face to face contact with anyone. I don't get visitors. I don't get calls. Hell, the only person I talk to regularly who DOESN'T live in our house talks about 3 things: Class, Exes, and nonsense. Wonderful.
How the fuck have I been living here for over 3 years and managed to accumalte about .8 friends? What the fuck is wrong with me?
No wonder I can't get out on dates. I can't even get any friends. How fucking pathetic is that. It doesn't help that I still feel like a monster, ugly and undesirable. You never realize how awful you feel until someone gets out of their seat on the bus when you sit next to them, and they proceed to stand. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I looked like a rapist to you. I'll try harder in the future to blend in.
But I've got my school work, and my games. They'll keep me occupied.
Kill me now.