HEY FUCKASS
So a few months ago I said I would do this. Now I am finally getting around to it, mere hours too late for our dear author's birthday. Without further ado...
True Hate (A Fanfiction)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“This is fucking ridiculous,” Luka said, scowling at their computer screen. “Why won’t this fucktarded thing back up?”
They leaned forward and gave their hard drive a solid thwumping. “Come on, fuckass! There could be more space lightning any minute, and I need a fucking backup!”
The hard drive’s only answer was to whine louder, an irritating sound like too many bees on helium. Then the Captain decided to match it with his own whining, the two noises making a positive feedback loop of shitfuckery.
Luka let out an extended string of expletives (it would’ve made Karkat proud), and was on the verge of punting the infernal device at the infernal creature, when the door flew open, slamming against the wall with a crash. The sound shut up both disc and dog, leaving the room silent save for the wind whistling in through the open door, and the violent patter of rain outside.
Then a voice cut through the quiet, scratchy and awkward, spoken through lips far too large for any normal human face. “Computer troubles?”
Standing in the doorway was none other than Andrew Hussie.
Luka’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Hussie?”
“Sup.” He was wearing his coolkid shades and Sepulchritude shirt, though the rain appeared to have washed off his gray paint. “Heard you needed a hand.”
“I… yeah.” Luka was still too surprised to say much more than that. “Hard drive is fucked.”
“Cool.” Hussie stepped inside, and took a look at the offending device. He raised his hand, and with a single hussnasty chop, smashed the machine in two. It let out a miserable squeak of protest, then sputtered and died in a sparking mess.
“What the fuck!?” Luka jumped up, now glaring angrily at Hussie. “My fucking backups! You fuckass! What the fuck was that for!?”
Hussie leaned forward, looking over his shades, levelly meeting Luka’s eyes. “What do you feel now?”
“Rage!”
He shook his head. “Not good enough.”
“What!?” Luka spluttered.
He walked calmly to a nearby window and opened it wide, letting the rain pour in. Then in a single motion, he scooped the Captain up by the scruff of his neck and punted him outside.
Luka just stared.
“What about now?”
“You just fucking kicked my dog out a window!”
“Yes. Yes I did.” Hussie shrugged. “Whatcha gonna do about it? How do you feel about me now?”
“I hate you, you unspeakable fuckass!”
For the first time, Hussie smiled. “Good.”
“What? How? Why!?” Luka’s cries of anger and protest were growing louder and more frustrated by the moment.
“Because now we can engage in the most epic of hatefucks.”
Luka blinked for a moment. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
And then they did.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUCKASS
<3
~Duk
True Hate (A Fanfiction)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“This is fucking ridiculous,” Luka said, scowling at their computer screen. “Why won’t this fucktarded thing back up?”
They leaned forward and gave their hard drive a solid thwumping. “Come on, fuckass! There could be more space lightning any minute, and I need a fucking backup!”
The hard drive’s only answer was to whine louder, an irritating sound like too many bees on helium. Then the Captain decided to match it with his own whining, the two noises making a positive feedback loop of shitfuckery.
Luka let out an extended string of expletives (it would’ve made Karkat proud), and was on the verge of punting the infernal device at the infernal creature, when the door flew open, slamming against the wall with a crash. The sound shut up both disc and dog, leaving the room silent save for the wind whistling in through the open door, and the violent patter of rain outside.
Then a voice cut through the quiet, scratchy and awkward, spoken through lips far too large for any normal human face. “Computer troubles?”
Standing in the doorway was none other than Andrew Hussie.
Luka’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Hussie?”
“Sup.” He was wearing his coolkid shades and Sepulchritude shirt, though the rain appeared to have washed off his gray paint. “Heard you needed a hand.”
“I… yeah.” Luka was still too surprised to say much more than that. “Hard drive is fucked.”
“Cool.” Hussie stepped inside, and took a look at the offending device. He raised his hand, and with a single hussnasty chop, smashed the machine in two. It let out a miserable squeak of protest, then sputtered and died in a sparking mess.
“What the fuck!?” Luka jumped up, now glaring angrily at Hussie. “My fucking backups! You fuckass! What the fuck was that for!?”
Hussie leaned forward, looking over his shades, levelly meeting Luka’s eyes. “What do you feel now?”
“Rage!”
He shook his head. “Not good enough.”
“What!?” Luka spluttered.
He walked calmly to a nearby window and opened it wide, letting the rain pour in. Then in a single motion, he scooped the Captain up by the scruff of his neck and punted him outside.
Luka just stared.
“What about now?”
“You just fucking kicked my dog out a window!”
“Yes. Yes I did.” Hussie shrugged. “Whatcha gonna do about it? How do you feel about me now?”
“I hate you, you unspeakable fuckass!”
For the first time, Hussie smiled. “Good.”
“What? How? Why!?” Luka’s cries of anger and protest were growing louder and more frustrated by the moment.
“Because now we can engage in the most epic of hatefucks.”
Luka blinked for a moment. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
And then they did.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUCKASS
<3
~Duk