May 11, 2005 01:29
As everyone who knows me is aware, I am deaf. Or at least enough to crack jokes about it and such... I was born with it, 50% hearning loss in my left ear, which I guess isn't so bad... but I never can tell where sounds are coming from and I am a close talker.
My job involves me talking to people all the time, often mumblers, forgein people, or all assortment of things. And it sucks to always ask "what?" every single order. And even though they're my friends, its so annoying to constantly be interrupting stoies because I missed the beginning, often just giving up when I have no idea whats going on around me.
One day a few weeks ago, this woman who is often quite difficult, comes in and asks me for some coffee. But because of her raspy voice, I couldn't hear her, so she finally after me asking "what?" goes "A coffee! What's wrong with you! Pay attention!" Now I have had this happen to me before and usually when I explain I have a hearing loss, most people back off. But not this woman. She actually has the nerve to get in my face and say "Why don't you just get a hearing aid?"
I was polite to her, but I was so ticked off. It was really rude, and it just hurt my feelings a lot. But I go to thinking, why don't I? I used to in high school for a little while, but stopped. I'm not quite sure why. True, the sound was unnatural and I felt silly, but you can't really tell if you're not looking for it... I think I really really enjoy my handicap. Seriously, if anyone gives me shit, I can be like "I didn't hear you." Its a handy excuse and pity trip. So sad, but true. I'm tired of hiding behind it though. I just got tired of people asking me about it, tired of missing out on things, tired of everything associated with my stupid ear.
So I pulled out the old hearing aid I've kept hidden away. Its in now, and so weird. My fingers typing are so loud. I hope this lasts. I've decided, at least for now, that I can't pretend to be someone I'm not, and I can't use my flaws as weaknesses. I think of all the things that could have been better for me if I had just not been so afraid of what others thought and felt. Tomorrow I will have a little hunk of plastic in my head... but I will hear your snickering! And that is worth it, I think.