(no subject)
ok, so i thought i could just leave a cryptic goodbye post and be done with it. this journal had been enmeshed in way too much lj and rl drama, and i needed to step away. i thought it might be temporary, but within a few days, i knew it was for good. my new shell felt more like home. and this, a graveyard for memories good and bad.
if you haven't heard from me, please don't take it personally. well, for most of you anyway. some of you, yeah, it's personal. *drama* har!
i needed to step away form certain situations and the people connected to them, somewhat trivial in some cases, but still they were triggers and i needed to cut them off.
there is one person i have had a very hard time maintaining my secrecy from. i thought that perhaps those triggering situations would pass and i could reveal myself and ask her back into my life. unfortunately, recent events have transpired and she's done more damage than i've ever seen her do before... and this was from the great cut off distance of my new hermitage.
it hurts me to see what is happening between two of the best friends i've ever had in this world. but at the same time, seeing it go down reminds me precisely why i didn't let her in on what was going on with me in regards to shannon.
if i didn't understand her so well, i'd be angry. alas, i'm only furstrated and saddened. i wish i had the strength and patience to intervene. but i don't. like i told jenni, if i were to step into the ring, i'd only end up breaking things instead of breaking them up.
this last weekend in phoenix was a wake up call to that. friday night my abilities were pushed to their limits, and i was drained near to empty. i have a feeling that the next day, that empty feeling inside wasn't just from being hungover and digesting silly string.
having to deal with ellie constantly. having to come to terms with and accept aspects of myself that arose with shannon. facing up to the reality that my father is just as fucked up as anyone else. this has all been too much to handle, and the drama (albeit virtual) that i read here day in and day out was taking up too much of my energy.
as much as i love some of you, i just had to step away and shake off any distraction from myself.
so, consider this my official "the end" post. though for some of you it's only "see ya later..." and hopefully eventually for more of you still as i come to cope with shit.
meantime, i'm sorry.
especially madi, i'm sorry. and please please don't fuck things up beyond repair. be careful. because we fucking love you and this shit hurts. for some reason, every bit of drama in my life that has involved you has revolved around some sort of great misunderstanding. this is not an exception. be careful of those bridges that you're burning, love. that's all i can really say. this isn't my fight, but it is my concern as i love you both dearly.
ok, waving goodbye now! (ok, it's still somewhat cryptic, but at least... well, whatever. har! i'm out. if you look, you can find me.)
if you haven't heard from me, please don't take it personally. well, for most of you anyway. some of you, yeah, it's personal. *drama* har!
i needed to step away form certain situations and the people connected to them, somewhat trivial in some cases, but still they were triggers and i needed to cut them off.
there is one person i have had a very hard time maintaining my secrecy from. i thought that perhaps those triggering situations would pass and i could reveal myself and ask her back into my life. unfortunately, recent events have transpired and she's done more damage than i've ever seen her do before... and this was from the great cut off distance of my new hermitage.
it hurts me to see what is happening between two of the best friends i've ever had in this world. but at the same time, seeing it go down reminds me precisely why i didn't let her in on what was going on with me in regards to shannon.
if i didn't understand her so well, i'd be angry. alas, i'm only furstrated and saddened. i wish i had the strength and patience to intervene. but i don't. like i told jenni, if i were to step into the ring, i'd only end up breaking things instead of breaking them up.
this last weekend in phoenix was a wake up call to that. friday night my abilities were pushed to their limits, and i was drained near to empty. i have a feeling that the next day, that empty feeling inside wasn't just from being hungover and digesting silly string.
having to deal with ellie constantly. having to come to terms with and accept aspects of myself that arose with shannon. facing up to the reality that my father is just as fucked up as anyone else. this has all been too much to handle, and the drama (albeit virtual) that i read here day in and day out was taking up too much of my energy.
as much as i love some of you, i just had to step away and shake off any distraction from myself.
so, consider this my official "the end" post. though for some of you it's only "see ya later..." and hopefully eventually for more of you still as i come to cope with shit.
meantime, i'm sorry.
especially madi, i'm sorry. and please please don't fuck things up beyond repair. be careful. because we fucking love you and this shit hurts. for some reason, every bit of drama in my life that has involved you has revolved around some sort of great misunderstanding. this is not an exception. be careful of those bridges that you're burning, love. that's all i can really say. this isn't my fight, but it is my concern as i love you both dearly.
ok, waving goodbye now! (ok, it's still somewhat cryptic, but at least... well, whatever. har! i'm out. if you look, you can find me.)