(no subject)
at the moment,
i'm oddly ok
with being in love
with someone who doesn't
and probably won't ever
exist.
heh.
those Tiamat lyrics take on new meaning...
And when I disappear
Into the night and out of the fear
Hunting with sword and spear
I am King Lear
having a love affair
with myself
I'll rule if you follow
I'll spit if you swallow
I am in love with myself
it all makes sense. just watched 50 First Dates... and while it wasn't the epiphany Eternal Sunshine was, it did actually help put things in perspective. i've really done a job on myself over the years.
i caught myself doing it again last night. major flashback to Pat's bachelor party. remember that girl i met there who i totally hit it off with. she was there again last night. no, not her, not the same girl. but there i was again. only this time, i questioned in the back of my mind. wtf was i doing? was i really into her or was i just trying to jam her into the mold? or was i just drunk and horny? i think it was a lot of the latter, but there were certainly elements of the former going on mixed together with some honest diggin on.
i had fun though, for sure. if only our meeting could've been under more sober circumstances. her name was Suzy... "Sooz" to her friends. she's living in Albuquerque, going to school for her Masters in Communication. she doesn't know what she's going to do with her degree, but she wants to help people. she's originally from Chicago and is oddly ok with the laid backness of the southwest. we both love Guinness and wingtip shoes (she had on a really cool black and burgundy pair). it was her birthday. i didn't ask how old, and didn't catch it in others' conversations. she had a nervous laugh and habit of looking side to side.
when she and her friends were leaving, i imagined two me's... one wanting to call her over and ask for her phone number... the other holding that one in the chair yelling at her to run, run for her life and not look back. she did look back though. but i didn't budge. we just smiled goodbye and that's probably the last i'll see of her.
chalk up another ghost in the shadows of my mind. they're scattered all over my poems. the shadows of Her i see etched between the lines on women's faces. those little things i blow out of proportion and try to bring fantasy to flesh by.
there is only one place i can find fulfillment. in my dreams. in my head. She's in there. She's a part of me.
i have been in love with Her for as long as i can remember.
i look at people in this world sometimes and those normal attractions and jivings get twisted into pathways into my subconcious, and that love and yearning i manifest... how much of it is honest and real? am i just trying to make Her real?
She can't be. i need to realize that. like for real. or else i'm never going to be able to have that completely honest and symbiotic relationship i seem to always want.
i need to separate the flesh from fantasy.
i need to be able to constantly be aware of who people are, not who i want them to be.
can there be balance?
at the moment, i just want to be alone. i want to be able to have my fun and explore this world, but at the moment, the chaos is a little bit too messy for me to wander without danger of scrambling my brain too much... and i'm still painting Her image across every face i see... but meantime, i do have Her. as always. and that is enough.
is this progress or recession?
just remember the Voice:
Everything is OK.
i wish i had my Shakespeare here... i have a great urge to reread King Lear... lol.
i'm oddly ok
with being in love
with someone who doesn't
and probably won't ever
exist.
heh.
those Tiamat lyrics take on new meaning...
And when I disappear
Into the night and out of the fear
Hunting with sword and spear
I am King Lear
having a love affair
with myself
I'll rule if you follow
I'll spit if you swallow
I am in love with myself
it all makes sense. just watched 50 First Dates... and while it wasn't the epiphany Eternal Sunshine was, it did actually help put things in perspective. i've really done a job on myself over the years.
i caught myself doing it again last night. major flashback to Pat's bachelor party. remember that girl i met there who i totally hit it off with. she was there again last night. no, not her, not the same girl. but there i was again. only this time, i questioned in the back of my mind. wtf was i doing? was i really into her or was i just trying to jam her into the mold? or was i just drunk and horny? i think it was a lot of the latter, but there were certainly elements of the former going on mixed together with some honest diggin on.
i had fun though, for sure. if only our meeting could've been under more sober circumstances. her name was Suzy... "Sooz" to her friends. she's living in Albuquerque, going to school for her Masters in Communication. she doesn't know what she's going to do with her degree, but she wants to help people. she's originally from Chicago and is oddly ok with the laid backness of the southwest. we both love Guinness and wingtip shoes (she had on a really cool black and burgundy pair). it was her birthday. i didn't ask how old, and didn't catch it in others' conversations. she had a nervous laugh and habit of looking side to side.
when she and her friends were leaving, i imagined two me's... one wanting to call her over and ask for her phone number... the other holding that one in the chair yelling at her to run, run for her life and not look back. she did look back though. but i didn't budge. we just smiled goodbye and that's probably the last i'll see of her.
chalk up another ghost in the shadows of my mind. they're scattered all over my poems. the shadows of Her i see etched between the lines on women's faces. those little things i blow out of proportion and try to bring fantasy to flesh by.
there is only one place i can find fulfillment. in my dreams. in my head. She's in there. She's a part of me.
i have been in love with Her for as long as i can remember.
i look at people in this world sometimes and those normal attractions and jivings get twisted into pathways into my subconcious, and that love and yearning i manifest... how much of it is honest and real? am i just trying to make Her real?
She can't be. i need to realize that. like for real. or else i'm never going to be able to have that completely honest and symbiotic relationship i seem to always want.
i need to separate the flesh from fantasy.
i need to be able to constantly be aware of who people are, not who i want them to be.
can there be balance?
at the moment, i just want to be alone. i want to be able to have my fun and explore this world, but at the moment, the chaos is a little bit too messy for me to wander without danger of scrambling my brain too much... and i'm still painting Her image across every face i see... but meantime, i do have Her. as always. and that is enough.
is this progress or recession?
just remember the Voice:
Everything is OK.
i wish i had my Shakespeare here... i have a great urge to reread King Lear... lol.