Its 3 in the morning....
And people wonder why I seem tired all the time. I havent slept right in probobly a month. This BS with my parents keeps me up till the wee hours of the morning all jumpy and just feelin *gah*, when I do sleep, its full of disturbing dreams and all such, and I can never wake up right in the morning, so I'm exhausted all day - but unable to sleep at night again. I feel like I'm back in my college sleeping cycle - not healthy, THATS for sure.
I have another issue too - I've been coming to realize more and more how friggin' LONELY I am. Not in the "I don't have anyone to hang out with" sorta way, or the "I need a girlfriend to feel whole" kinda way, but in the "I really would like to have someone I can have a real close, intimate relationship with, to share things with, to be close to". I haven't had anything even remotely close to that in about a year and a half - and its really beginning to hurt.
I find it almost funny now that I think about it - the last two women who filled that role for me are the only two people who currently know of this journal. I'm not writing this asking for pity (I've had one female friend offer me enough pity - and pity sex, on that note) that I don't need "pity". Nor am I typing this to get at you two in any way. Its just that its three in the morning, it feels good to type this stuff out and really express it in some way, and the irony is that you two are the only ones who will be reading it until I get more LJ buddies. I have to admit, I still, in a way, love the both of you, and value our friendship like I value few other things. I guess its just between my parents, my suck-ass job, my lack of lovelife, and an acute sense of, well, almost boredom, I'm at a complete loss as to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and such. I guess Professor Kerry may have had a point there about the boredom part....
And no, I never took up my friend's offer of pity sex =P. I have too much damned pride for that.
Goodnight
I have another issue too - I've been coming to realize more and more how friggin' LONELY I am. Not in the "I don't have anyone to hang out with" sorta way, or the "I need a girlfriend to feel whole" kinda way, but in the "I really would like to have someone I can have a real close, intimate relationship with, to share things with, to be close to". I haven't had anything even remotely close to that in about a year and a half - and its really beginning to hurt.
I find it almost funny now that I think about it - the last two women who filled that role for me are the only two people who currently know of this journal. I'm not writing this asking for pity (I've had one female friend offer me enough pity - and pity sex, on that note) that I don't need "pity". Nor am I typing this to get at you two in any way. Its just that its three in the morning, it feels good to type this stuff out and really express it in some way, and the irony is that you two are the only ones who will be reading it until I get more LJ buddies. I have to admit, I still, in a way, love the both of you, and value our friendship like I value few other things. I guess its just between my parents, my suck-ass job, my lack of lovelife, and an acute sense of, well, almost boredom, I'm at a complete loss as to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life and such. I guess Professor Kerry may have had a point there about the boredom part....
And no, I never took up my friend's offer of pity sex =P. I have too much damned pride for that.
Goodnight