What is this burden upon me?
So yeah, I haven't been going out much lately. I've been working at the guesthouse, then staying in my room, so I know no one new, which is weighing on me... I want to make new friends, but I really don't want to put in the effort. I've grown sullen and apathetic. I need a second job, but I just don't care enough. I bought "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" yesterday afternoon... 800-some odd pages. I finished the book at around 2:00 this afternoon. The E! network is far too entertaining for me. I've watched "Sex in the City, Season 5" twice now. I've been battling sorcerers and warlocks on my mud. I've been SLEEPING far too much. I've been eating poorly. I have two video tapes that I rented from the local video store that are over a week late, and still unwatched. I go outside to ride my bike without combing my hair (enter the UConn hat) or washing my face. I'd probably not brush my teeth either, if it weren't for the fact that I simply cannot stand the feeling of unbrushed teeth.
I don't want to have sex. It's just unappealing to me... I do not want to have sex with someone I don't care about. And right now, I'm having a bit of difficulty caring about ANYONE.
I don't really know what's wrong with me. I know it's depression. I know it's partly rooted in the fact that I've been single for going on three years now, and have been interested in REALLY dating roughly 4 people over that span of time, and I ended up getting emotionally screwed each and every time.
I really, really want to meet a great guy, date him, relate to him, fall in love with him, and be with him. I want a guy to show off at parties, to talk about ancient history with over a romantic dinner, to cuddle with and watch movies, to gossip with (ever so slightly, and keeping it between us of course), to dance shirtless with and make out with in a hot, sweaty club, to share private jokes with, to be romantic for, to buy gifts for, to just look adoringly in his eyes and have the same adoring look reflected back at me...
God... I think I'm lonely.
It's such an odd realization. I come from a single parent home, and my mother is fiercely independent. I get it from her. *I* am fiercely independent. I am not one of those people who feels incomplete without someone. I do not feel there is someone out there who will make me "whole". I am complete and whole by myself. But still...
...sigh.
Isn't it strangely ironic that the very depression that keeps one from going out and dating, is caused by loneliness?
I don't want to have sex. It's just unappealing to me... I do not want to have sex with someone I don't care about. And right now, I'm having a bit of difficulty caring about ANYONE.
I don't really know what's wrong with me. I know it's depression. I know it's partly rooted in the fact that I've been single for going on three years now, and have been interested in REALLY dating roughly 4 people over that span of time, and I ended up getting emotionally screwed each and every time.
I really, really want to meet a great guy, date him, relate to him, fall in love with him, and be with him. I want a guy to show off at parties, to talk about ancient history with over a romantic dinner, to cuddle with and watch movies, to gossip with (ever so slightly, and keeping it between us of course), to dance shirtless with and make out with in a hot, sweaty club, to share private jokes with, to be romantic for, to buy gifts for, to just look adoringly in his eyes and have the same adoring look reflected back at me...
God... I think I'm lonely.
It's such an odd realization. I come from a single parent home, and my mother is fiercely independent. I get it from her. *I* am fiercely independent. I am not one of those people who feels incomplete without someone. I do not feel there is someone out there who will make me "whole". I am complete and whole by myself. But still...
...sigh.
Isn't it strangely ironic that the very depression that keeps one from going out and dating, is caused by loneliness?