(no subject)
Do you ever wonder if maybe your life would work better without you in it....if everyone you care about would be better off if they had never known you.....sometimes I wonder...and soemtimes i try so hard to cry...to hurt...to feel anything...and there isn't anything left in me to feel....there isn't anything but this gaping empty void that I keep trying to feel...and it just keeps overwhelming me and swallowing me whole...like nothing will ever be enough...nothing will ever be enough to fill me up and light me up....I get so tired of smiling....and I should hurt....I may have lost eveything in this godforsaken city that I cared about...I may have given them up...all of them....for him...and he's not worth it....it should hurt....but it doesn't....I don't even feel remorse....because even if it was for only a little while....he made me feel....he makes me feel....which is more than any of the rest of them do...and her....she who has more right than any of them to hate me....she offered out her hand and her arm and gave me a hug...she who alone among them had righteous anger...offerred forgiveness with no strings attached...because if you have to ask for forgiveness then it's worthless...only when it is freely given are you truly free of it....that's part of why I hate catholocism....you have to ask god for forgiveness....if he was truly all forgiving you wouldn't even have to ask...you would just be forgiven....my cup runneth over but I feel nothing