what is a demon but an angel yet to fall?
And I'm left wondering if that comment pertained to me....and strangely....I don't really care...My favorite thing about college, I've discovered, is that I finally have an opportunity to change....I don't have to continue in the same way that I did for four years...I truly have the ability to start over new....and I have....some nights I sit here and am overwhelmed by the solitude...but my flesh is clear and unmarked....sometimes I'm so lonely that my teeth begin to ache....but my bed remains empty....and sometimes I am so full of hate and anger that I feel like I could swallow the world....but I remain cordial and calm....my eyes do not flatten and freeze....the tone of my voice doesn't create that same well of chilling darkness that it once did....the emotions remain but I don't have to use them like I used to...No on here knows me, they don't know the things that I've done....No one anymore knows all the things that I've done....There is no one that has been there from the beginning of the story to the end...and I wonder sometimes if that isn't a good thing....I don't need any reminders...I remember perfectly well on my own...so maybe it's better in this place where I can pretend certain things never occurred....where I can forget that certain people even exist....where I don't keep count or fight just for the sake of fighting...And I wonder sometimes about many other things....What would have happened if I had met him now instead of then....what would have happened if I had never offered myself up to certain people...what would have happened if I had known a good thing when I had it and had never stopped to taint something good with doubt and fear....
It's snowing...It has been snowing for 10 hours...I have never seen snow before....I ran and danced and caught snowflakes on my tongue like I was five years old...I flopped on my back in the pristine blanket of white and wiggled my arms and legs up and down until I left a snow angel....I threw snowballs and drove down a dark road with nothing but silence and air and the calming presence of pine trees dressed up in their finery...I have never seen a white christmas.....I have never seen a world where even the sound is muted while the light is intensified so t hat even the moon throws the world into the palor of dusk rather than true darkness...it is peaceful...and sitting on my very own porch with a marlboro red 100 clutched firmly between my fingers and watching the smoke curl up to create lazy rings in the crystalline air....I feel more peace than I have known in a very long time...i am more at peace with myself now than I have been since one night in October....when we were supposed to go see How the Grinch stole christmas.....or maybe even years before that when I was so consumed with anger that I thought it would burn me up....ignite me where I stood.....it still hurts...and sometimes I wake up at night and remember things people have said or done...or things I have said or done...and I regret....and I cry and am lonely...so lonely it feels as if I will never recover....but this is working for me.....
It's snowing...It has been snowing for 10 hours...I have never seen snow before....I ran and danced and caught snowflakes on my tongue like I was five years old...I flopped on my back in the pristine blanket of white and wiggled my arms and legs up and down until I left a snow angel....I threw snowballs and drove down a dark road with nothing but silence and air and the calming presence of pine trees dressed up in their finery...I have never seen a white christmas.....I have never seen a world where even the sound is muted while the light is intensified so t hat even the moon throws the world into the palor of dusk rather than true darkness...it is peaceful...and sitting on my very own porch with a marlboro red 100 clutched firmly between my fingers and watching the smoke curl up to create lazy rings in the crystalline air....I feel more peace than I have known in a very long time...i am more at peace with myself now than I have been since one night in October....when we were supposed to go see How the Grinch stole christmas.....or maybe even years before that when I was so consumed with anger that I thought it would burn me up....ignite me where I stood.....it still hurts...and sometimes I wake up at night and remember things people have said or done...or things I have said or done...and I regret....and I cry and am lonely...so lonely it feels as if I will never recover....but this is working for me.....