Jemma
I know that I am at times a foolish man, I know that I can be insensitive and selfish. I know too that I can also be overly sensitive. These, are my faults. These are barriers I create and cannot figure out how to cross. If someone hurts me I do tend to lash out in defense. I do try to hurt them back in a way that is deeper than my own wounds. Why I do this? I cannot answer for I do not know why. I only know that it's something I feel justified in at the time, almost smug. I cannot reason with my irrational side. I cannot unjustify the means. It's best if I just shut down and leave to avoid any confrontations..to avoid further damage being done. There are reasons someone has likened me to the song foolish games for more then it is much a description of me it is also my mannerism, and my ability to cause pain as much as bear it. Having said that I now must apologise for my actions. I am sorry. I love you with all my heart and cannot bear the thought I have hurt you.
There are times when it feels I'm being held so close in one place in pushed away somewhere else. It's much like the strange llama from Dr. Dolittle called pushme pullyou. I don't know what direction to turn for comfort. My mind spins and I feel a thousand needles piercing me at once. My friends are my friends but they are not my friends you know? I am to heavily gaurded, there is a military fortress that surrounds my heart and my mind. I wish I could let more in, but i fear more what I will do to them then what they will do to me. I know how my mind works. I know I find it easier to hurt those I care about then those I do not. Is this some kind of defense mechanism, or is it the trust level, that I know no matter what I say or do to them they are likely to stick around for it. What ever punishments I set out to give they will take the beatings and hardly flinch. Is this why? When those I do not care about attack me, it does hurt deep inside but it doesn't build the scars.
funny but I have the song Lucifer rolling around in my head..as much as I wish it not to be there, the same line keeps repeating and in forte'...it's just sometimes...I'm already past the reason...and sometimes...it's like every word that's written...and it feels like let them go. But I know I don't want to let them go..
I'm posting this picture in hopes you will notice something, the picture has been flipped maybe that will lend a clue.
http://img26.photobucket.com/albums/v78/Rob_dickinson/wedding_band.jpg
There are times when it feels I'm being held so close in one place in pushed away somewhere else. It's much like the strange llama from Dr. Dolittle called pushme pullyou. I don't know what direction to turn for comfort. My mind spins and I feel a thousand needles piercing me at once. My friends are my friends but they are not my friends you know? I am to heavily gaurded, there is a military fortress that surrounds my heart and my mind. I wish I could let more in, but i fear more what I will do to them then what they will do to me. I know how my mind works. I know I find it easier to hurt those I care about then those I do not. Is this some kind of defense mechanism, or is it the trust level, that I know no matter what I say or do to them they are likely to stick around for it. What ever punishments I set out to give they will take the beatings and hardly flinch. Is this why? When those I do not care about attack me, it does hurt deep inside but it doesn't build the scars.
funny but I have the song Lucifer rolling around in my head..as much as I wish it not to be there, the same line keeps repeating and in forte'...it's just sometimes...I'm already past the reason...and sometimes...it's like every word that's written...and it feels like let them go. But I know I don't want to let them go..
I'm posting this picture in hopes you will notice something, the picture has been flipped maybe that will lend a clue.
http://img26.photobucket.com/albums/v78/Rob_dickinson/wedding_band.jpg
