Reposting old fic - Loss (1/1)
Title: Loss
Series: Impossible
Author: Kaethel (
kae_nine)
Character/Pairing: Ten/Rose
Rating: PG
Published: August 2006
Summary: I thought I’d seen the worst. I’d never lost Rose Tyler - Part 1 of the Impossible series.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but boy do I enjoy torturing them...
A/N: Many, many thanks to
wendymr, who got me addicted to Doctor Who in the first place, showed me all the episodes, gave me a hug when I cried at the end of Doomsday, encouraged me to write my own fix-it, cheered when I told her it was going to be longer than expected, and gave me many suggestions to make this better. Thanks also to
dark_aegis and
ksarasara for being so encouraging and helpful when I was writing this. :)
Loss
by Kaethel
I thought I’d seen the worst. Daleks. Cybermen. Innocent people's flesh being ripped apart by the TIme Lords' arch enemies. Planets at war.
Gallifrey.
I thought nothing else could affect me. I’d gone through the time war, rid the universe of the Daleks - or so I thought - dealt with regeneration, left companions behind.
I’d never lost Rose Tyler.
A minute ago, she was standing before me, a distant thought sent to me through the TARDIS. I couldn’t touch her. Couldn’t smell her. Couldn’t feel her heart beating. She was crying, and oh God do I wish I could’ve taken her in my arms and taken the pain away. My pain as well. I didn’t even get to tell her...
Rose.
I still remember the first time I saw her, down in the basement of that big department store in central London. Attacked by plastic dummies. That was some first encounter! I remember clasping her hand in mine as we ran and feeling a sense of home. I was with Rose. I was safe.
I never told her that. Too proud, too skittish, too much the Doctor to step down and confront my emotions. Yes, I love Rose Tyler. But now that she’s gone, where does that get me?
I was ready to make the sacrifice. I wanted her to go to the parallel universe, under her own will. Secretly, I was hoping she wouldn’t, while reasoning myself that it was the only way to keep her safe. I’d promised to keep her safe. To her. To her mum. To Jack. To myself. Back in the parallel universe, with her parents and Mickey, she’d be away from the Cybermen, the Daleks and the danger that surrounds me at all times.
You’ve faced death so many times, Rose Tyler. And you never blamed it on me. You said you’d stay with me for ever, and you meant it. I can’t blame your dad for grabbing you. If he hadn’t, you’d have been sucked into the void.
When I met you, I was lost. Broken by too many years fighting in the Time War. By the loss of my own people. Lonely. But you were there, you took my hand, and suddenly, I wasn’t alone any more. You helped me heal.
Healing had a price, though. And I’m paying it right now, tears streaming down my face as I stare into empty space, in the spot where you appeared to me for the last time.
My hand is empty now. Everybody needs a hand to hold, I told you. And for so long I had yours.
But not any more. Not ever again.
I look at the TARDIS console. Pull up the rotor level. Pull it down. Push a few buttons. Take a look at the control screen. I know what I’m looking for. I know I’m not going to find it. Supernovas are not frequent enough for me to spot two on the same day. And even if I could, what good would it do? See her again, knowing I can’t touch her? That I can’t hold her in my arms?
What am I supposed to do now? The old Time Lord thing, I told her. Travelling the universe, this time on my own. No more companions for me. Parting is too painful, and after Rose...
Then again, I know I need to move on. I need to put my feelings for her to the back of my head and keep on doing what I’m here for.
She’s having a normal life on the other side. Moving on, I hope. Driving back to London and probably thinking a mile a minute as she tries to find her way back here. I have to smile at that. That’s my Rose. Never giving up. Even when I sent her back to the Powell Estate in 2005, she managed to look into the Time Vortex and come back to me.
Not this time, though. There’s no TARDIS to bring her back, and even if there was, my TARDIS just doesn’t hop between parallel universes.
I hope Mickey’s holding her. Comforting her. Finding the right words. All I have left is the hope that Rose won’t spend the rest of her life trying to find her way back to me. I don’t want her to waste her time looking for me. I want her to live her life to the fullest. Meet someone. Have a family. Be happy. I want her to find solace and peace. Mickey’s a good bloke, and he knows what she’s going through. If anyone can help her, it’s him.
Part of me wants to look for another breach in the universe. There has to be one. There *has* to be another portal between the two dimensions. But the chances of finding another breach are so thin, and moving between universes is too dangerous. It could make both our worlds collapse.
I know I have to let her go.
Our love is impossible. Finding her is impossible.
Impossible.
Which just means I’ve got to find a way to do it.
End
Series: Impossible
Author: Kaethel (
kae_nine)
Character/Pairing: Ten/Rose
Rating: PG
Published: August 2006
Summary: I thought I’d seen the worst. I’d never lost Rose Tyler - Part 1 of the Impossible series.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but boy do I enjoy torturing them...
A/N: Many, many thanks to
wendymr, who got me addicted to Doctor Who in the first place, showed me all the episodes, gave me a hug when I cried at the end of Doomsday, encouraged me to write my own fix-it, cheered when I told her it was going to be longer than expected, and gave me many suggestions to make this better. Thanks also to
dark_aegis and
ksarasara for being so encouraging and helpful when I was writing this. :)
Loss
by Kaethel
I thought I’d seen the worst. Daleks. Cybermen. Innocent people's flesh being ripped apart by the TIme Lords' arch enemies. Planets at war.
Gallifrey.
I thought nothing else could affect me. I’d gone through the time war, rid the universe of the Daleks - or so I thought - dealt with regeneration, left companions behind.
I’d never lost Rose Tyler.
A minute ago, she was standing before me, a distant thought sent to me through the TARDIS. I couldn’t touch her. Couldn’t smell her. Couldn’t feel her heart beating. She was crying, and oh God do I wish I could’ve taken her in my arms and taken the pain away. My pain as well. I didn’t even get to tell her...
Rose.
I still remember the first time I saw her, down in the basement of that big department store in central London. Attacked by plastic dummies. That was some first encounter! I remember clasping her hand in mine as we ran and feeling a sense of home. I was with Rose. I was safe.
I never told her that. Too proud, too skittish, too much the Doctor to step down and confront my emotions. Yes, I love Rose Tyler. But now that she’s gone, where does that get me?
I was ready to make the sacrifice. I wanted her to go to the parallel universe, under her own will. Secretly, I was hoping she wouldn’t, while reasoning myself that it was the only way to keep her safe. I’d promised to keep her safe. To her. To her mum. To Jack. To myself. Back in the parallel universe, with her parents and Mickey, she’d be away from the Cybermen, the Daleks and the danger that surrounds me at all times.
You’ve faced death so many times, Rose Tyler. And you never blamed it on me. You said you’d stay with me for ever, and you meant it. I can’t blame your dad for grabbing you. If he hadn’t, you’d have been sucked into the void.
When I met you, I was lost. Broken by too many years fighting in the Time War. By the loss of my own people. Lonely. But you were there, you took my hand, and suddenly, I wasn’t alone any more. You helped me heal.
Healing had a price, though. And I’m paying it right now, tears streaming down my face as I stare into empty space, in the spot where you appeared to me for the last time.
My hand is empty now. Everybody needs a hand to hold, I told you. And for so long I had yours.
But not any more. Not ever again.
I look at the TARDIS console. Pull up the rotor level. Pull it down. Push a few buttons. Take a look at the control screen. I know what I’m looking for. I know I’m not going to find it. Supernovas are not frequent enough for me to spot two on the same day. And even if I could, what good would it do? See her again, knowing I can’t touch her? That I can’t hold her in my arms?
What am I supposed to do now? The old Time Lord thing, I told her. Travelling the universe, this time on my own. No more companions for me. Parting is too painful, and after Rose...
Then again, I know I need to move on. I need to put my feelings for her to the back of my head and keep on doing what I’m here for.
She’s having a normal life on the other side. Moving on, I hope. Driving back to London and probably thinking a mile a minute as she tries to find her way back here. I have to smile at that. That’s my Rose. Never giving up. Even when I sent her back to the Powell Estate in 2005, she managed to look into the Time Vortex and come back to me.
Not this time, though. There’s no TARDIS to bring her back, and even if there was, my TARDIS just doesn’t hop between parallel universes.
I hope Mickey’s holding her. Comforting her. Finding the right words. All I have left is the hope that Rose won’t spend the rest of her life trying to find her way back to me. I don’t want her to waste her time looking for me. I want her to live her life to the fullest. Meet someone. Have a family. Be happy. I want her to find solace and peace. Mickey’s a good bloke, and he knows what she’s going through. If anyone can help her, it’s him.
Part of me wants to look for another breach in the universe. There has to be one. There *has* to be another portal between the two dimensions. But the chances of finding another breach are so thin, and moving between universes is too dangerous. It could make both our worlds collapse.
I know I have to let her go.
Our love is impossible. Finding her is impossible.
Impossible.
Which just means I’ve got to find a way to do it.
End