What am I spending my day doing?

[kadiddly]

Burning all the music I want off Steve's computer. Looking around the apartment and thinking how damn empty it will be. He left last night. He said that he wasn't happy anymore, that he hadn't really been since we broke up the first time last year. (I'd like to point out at this time that he is the one who came back to me and not vice versa, so it's his own damn fault.) I told him I didn't want him here if we weren't going to be in a relationship, and he packed some stuff in his duffel bag and walked out the door. I don't know where he went. I asked if he was going over to the house in Orcutt where some of his friends live, and he said he didn't know, he was just going to drive for a while. He said he would come back some time when he knew I would be out to get the rest of his stuff and put it in the garage until he gets someplace to live. I'm terrified I'll come home from rehearsal tonight and my apartment will be so bare. I'm not worried about him taking any of my stuff, but, like, what about the bed? It's my mattress, but he built the frame for us. Will he leave it? Do I want him to? I spent most of last night and this morning teetering between numbness and tears. I kind of broke down last night on my brother online, who kind of freaked out and woke my mom up and told her to call me. Moms are cool like that sometimes. She asked if I wanted to come home, or if I wanted them to come out. I don't want either, and I couldn't even if I did, as I start tech next week. I hope Steve isn't coming to crew view or prop load out tonight or tech rehearsals. I'm pretty sure I will be okay as long as I don't have to look at him. I feel like I haven't only lost my boyfriend, but my best friend. He was the one I always turned to to talk or laugh or cry. Who do I go to now? I know the world isn't going to end or anything, but if our relationship was over, why does this hurt so much? Why do I dread facing anyone?

The only bright side I'm really seeing right now, and I've thought a lot about since last night, is that I am definitely going to get a kitten or two soon. I don't have to wait for him to get his share of the money or anything. I have my half of the pet deposit, and I have enough for the adoption fee for one kitty at the shelter. I will have more money next week when I get paid, and since I am in tech this coming week, today might not be the best day to get one like I had hoped. But maybe I'll just go over to the shelter and take a look...