Open Mouth Insert Foot!
I have been getting the feeling lately that I talk way to much...a few of the people who I thought were really good friends stopped showing up on MSN and it has me paranoid. I have always been a paranoid person to begin with being picked on your entire childhood will do that. I'm not writing this for sympathy By the way...I just need to vent. I guess I have a tendency to scare people away it's happened since I was really young. I know I am a pretty fucked up individual. when I was younger my mom tired to take me to a psychiatrist. the man told my mom to never bring me back again...funny huh....Not that I wanted to go back...sometimes when you don't draw hands it's just because you can't. Anyways...I suppose I need to stop thinking like I am still in School...I have severe paranoia about people around me. It's so bad that I can't go into a public place with out thinking people are talking about me behind my back...I have been known to sabotage my own relationships with people.
I use to tell myself that they would leave because that how things worked. I would be friends with them for awhile then the popular girls would take them away. however, part of me wonders if it is because i tend to talk a lot and not just normally talk like one of the girls...I tend to use big words accidentally...most words i take for granted those who were my friends would look at me like I was some kind of alien. Every time I go into #gos I have this overwhelming feeling like I'm just the outcast trying to fit in...story of my life of course...I find myself craving attention for everyone so I talk...Insistently...I know I have to be annoying someone...then part of me says that it's not possible that I'm being paranoid again. I really don't know who I am essentially...I have so many faces for so many people that even I wonder who the real me is...I find myself thinking...do I like this or hate this becuse I think people would like me better for it.
A few weeks ago I had a breakdown entirely I didn't tell anyone I was alone talking with my BF and just broke down...he is the only one until now who knew. I cried almost all day I don't cry it's not me. I felt ashamed of myself for doing it like it was some sin...Then just the other day I was on the phone with my BF again and I told him that I didn't know if I could give him 100% of myself...I didn't tell him it was because I didn't know what 100% of myself was. How does a person truly know who they are? are you who you are because of others around you or is there something else?
I would like to know why then if I crave attention that I shun people away. In real life I tend to be an ice queen no one talks to me because they know I just ignore them like they don't exists. Well what else am I suppose to do? I am deathly afraid of letting people see the real me...because in my own head I am a plain pathetic girl who is clawing for attention like a whore. I don't want to be an attention seeker...I just want to be me and have people love me for that. I am so obsessed with labels...I wish I could be one of these people who don't get bogged down with them. "I am me and that is it" it's a foreign concept to me. I am a gothic ,writer ,genius ,artist....why do I have to use labels to describe myself...
I use to tell myself that they would leave because that how things worked. I would be friends with them for awhile then the popular girls would take them away. however, part of me wonders if it is because i tend to talk a lot and not just normally talk like one of the girls...I tend to use big words accidentally...most words i take for granted those who were my friends would look at me like I was some kind of alien. Every time I go into #gos I have this overwhelming feeling like I'm just the outcast trying to fit in...story of my life of course...I find myself craving attention for everyone so I talk...Insistently...I know I have to be annoying someone...then part of me says that it's not possible that I'm being paranoid again. I really don't know who I am essentially...I have so many faces for so many people that even I wonder who the real me is...I find myself thinking...do I like this or hate this becuse I think people would like me better for it.
A few weeks ago I had a breakdown entirely I didn't tell anyone I was alone talking with my BF and just broke down...he is the only one until now who knew. I cried almost all day I don't cry it's not me. I felt ashamed of myself for doing it like it was some sin...Then just the other day I was on the phone with my BF again and I told him that I didn't know if I could give him 100% of myself...I didn't tell him it was because I didn't know what 100% of myself was. How does a person truly know who they are? are you who you are because of others around you or is there something else?
I would like to know why then if I crave attention that I shun people away. In real life I tend to be an ice queen no one talks to me because they know I just ignore them like they don't exists. Well what else am I suppose to do? I am deathly afraid of letting people see the real me...because in my own head I am a plain pathetic girl who is clawing for attention like a whore. I don't want to be an attention seeker...I just want to be me and have people love me for that. I am so obsessed with labels...I wish I could be one of these people who don't get bogged down with them. "I am me and that is it" it's a foreign concept to me. I am a gothic ,writer ,genius ,artist....why do I have to use labels to describe myself...