(no subject)
This comes straight from the journal hidden under my mattress.
I feel like a novel is in order, here.
Chapter One, retracing old steps. Whenever you tell a story so many times it gets twisted so far out of proportion that you start to believe the most far out version even if you know what the truth is and what it isn't. Or maybe because you want to believe that one, because it benefits you the most. Whatever reason it is, I have fell victim to it. I can tell a story from two different angles and word it so precisely that technically it's not lying. I don't know why. I do, I guess; we all do, because one version is what if your side of the truth and one is someone elses, and your side always seems to have the better light shinning down on it; and that's all we all want, the better light. The sympathy. I know i'm a horrible person in more ways than one, you'll start to believe me soon don't worry about it.
Chapter Two, letting things go. This kind of goes along with the thought that you can never really forget when someone does something to you. I stand by what I've said, but now moreso than ever I feel asthough I will never be able to let this one thing go. My god, I thought I was bad for what I have been doing in my life; and I have been doing some really shitty twofaced things. But god, I am sick of you. I am sick of your stories and your lies. I am sick of your constant annoyance that you call your life. I wonder how some people can look themselves in the mirror this morning and not be nauseated by what they see looking back at them. That goes for me as well.
Chapter Three, jealousy. Jealousy is probably the worst thing in the word, because it isn't on purpose and when it's recognized you -- or more specifically I, ignore the fact that it's there. And I know it's there, because I use jealousy to try and get back at some people. While recalling things today I couldn't help but notice all of the times I tried to make the same people jealous. The same two or three people and that is another horrible thing of me. And there are a couple of you out there that I am just sickeningly jealous of and I will never get over it. I lost my point. My point is, I am definitely being haunted by the green eyed monster here.. or whatever the hell the nickname for it is; and I know it, and I can't help it. Some things are just inescapable, and I'll have to get over that.
Chapter Four, a facade. I can also honestly say that I wear more faces than Joan Collins. I can fake conversations like the best out there, I can make you think I trust you, I can make you think I am your best friend forever. But I can only count on a hand the people that I don't want to knife themselves right now. By the way I love how this is an emo entry but ever other sentence is ' ' I can ' '. That disturbs me a little. I am so confident about being emo. Anyways. I can pull out lies from no where and they are that easy to believe. But then some of you can see past that and it baffles me as to how. I can lie to my best friends face and have them not know anything is wrong, but I know you know. One of the people that should have been one of the most important in my life never saw anything wrong when I was ready to delete myself from life and I cried nightly, but at the same time there were those of you that just could tell something was off and I hadn't said anything about it. Again, it baffles me. And makes me wonder how many people wear different faces for me. It would break my heart to know that I put on this many faces for other people thinking they don't know, but secretly i'm getting just as many faces in return without knowing it myself. I don't know why.
Chapter Five, guilt. One of the most horrible feelings in the world. It brings down the emo cloud god. I get the worst cases of guilt for things that aren't even my fault. And then while I am guilting up an emo storm, I accidentally make people want to slit their throats or put handguns in their mouths. That just makes me want to ntihodtbhit. And I say that too much. ``mrtuibohiuty``. That's my indecisive way of saying I don't even know. Because I don't know. I know that I want people to be happy, and obviously I will do anything including lying for months at a time to make people happy, even if it makes me want to die in one of the cruelest in most inhumane ways ever. I hate being selfish, and then when I have my own selfish moments I'll notice and feel guilty about that; too. And then apologize. I have said i'm sorry so many times the words are starting to slur into my mouth, I don't even mean it anymore; it's like an auto response that I left on in my head while my brain is out on vacation. I hate apologizing because I think I am almost never wrong. But people are either too childish or too stubborn to listen or reason, so why bother.
Chapter 6, communication. Or lack there of lately. So many things can be solved by talking that one begins to wonder why people don't talk sooner. Waiting doesn't help. All waiting does is build more paranoia, and make people feel guilty for things that they shouldn't feel bad about. Refer to previous paragraph. And again, even if the talking gives you an answer you don't want to hear; it's better than not getting an answer at all. Living in the dark is like living a lie, and living a lie is like killing yourself slowly but surely. It's another one of the bad things that I can't stand right now. I hate living lies eventhough my whole life is a lie in one way shape or form. At one point or another, I am being dishonest with atleast one person, and I can live with that. But I can't live with not knowing who is being dishonest with me. Mother fucking paranoia I tell you. And there is no way to know the truth, so you just have to accept not knowing sometimes.. or you'll go insane. Talking is good. If you want to talk and the other person doesn't, then just let them know you want to talk. Just say ' ' I want to talk ' ' and eventua'ly you'll get your talk. If you know someone wants to talk to you and they refuse to say it, then ask them if they want to talk. Give people the opportunity; be the bigger person -- I guess sometimes it's easier to give in on some things, as much as I hate to admit it. Some people never learn, and you can't work with those people, and you can't change some people; what do you do, you know?
Chapter Seven, you are no princess Diana. So take that fucking crown off. I have been crowned at so many times that now, because of everytime I'v put the crown back on, it's permanently attached to my head. Now maybe I can finally be a god damn princess because that will be the only good thing to come out of this. Being dramatic is over rated, can't you be passive for once. Depending on the situation it makes things alot better. Anyways.. take the fucking crowns off ok? They bring our maturity level from the high of 6 down to the low of two or something. Actually that doesn't apply to everyone, but just those who are crowning. Most people are mature but then when some people aren't, it just brings everyone down.
Chapter Eight, peer pressure. We are all walking ads that are pro peer pressure aren't we. I know I seriously am. Every decision I have made lately and everything I have done is a result of other peoples opinions. Of other people coming to me and telling me what they know and I hate how it makes me now think i'm being manipulated. Because I am. You tell me these kinds of things because you want me to do something specific about them. Guess what, I quit. Peer pressure is for losers ok. I hate it like a fat kid hates mono. I would appreciate if the peer pressure would end right the fuck now. If shit happens then shit happens, and I will have to deal with that, but I don't need someone else in my mind giving me their own twisted reflection on past events that is one sided and is situation dependant trying to mold my opinions and thoughts into these horrible miscontrued things that make me quiver in fear. Because that's what it's done. It's made me afraid. And of one of the people I am definitely not supposed to be afraid of, and though I never would be. I refuse to be afraid. I am a rebel ok? If you don't have anything nice to say, then fuck off and die. ``If you're a loser today, you'll be a loser for the rest of your life. Curl up and die, you have no future``. Bye!
Chapter Nine, living the moment. It's easier said than done, too, like other things i've mentioned. But right now, it is definitely the best thing. You can never forget the past, and you can never stop second-guessing yourself. But you need to be happy. And by you, I mean all of us. I need to be happy. You all need to be happy. And god forbid that happens, right? I am seriously going to say to fucking hell with it all, and start going by that. I know it will have consequences. But I don't care. The short moment of being happy will outweigh whatever comes after that, because right now the bottom line is I need to be happy with something. I need to stop worrying about every little thing ever. I need to get over this all because it's not a big deal. I need to not want to knife myself everytime I have a conversation with anyone. I need to not pretend to like you while wanting to make voodoo dolls of you to stab with hundred of needles. I need to not worry about making mistakes. I need to not worry about what people think. I need to be able to ask questions, or do things without worrying about what fights could come out of it. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see. I need to be able to want to say that I am Kaci Herion, and I really fucking love my life.
I feel like a novel is in order, here.
Chapter One, retracing old steps. Whenever you tell a story so many times it gets twisted so far out of proportion that you start to believe the most far out version even if you know what the truth is and what it isn't. Or maybe because you want to believe that one, because it benefits you the most. Whatever reason it is, I have fell victim to it. I can tell a story from two different angles and word it so precisely that technically it's not lying. I don't know why. I do, I guess; we all do, because one version is what if your side of the truth and one is someone elses, and your side always seems to have the better light shinning down on it; and that's all we all want, the better light. The sympathy. I know i'm a horrible person in more ways than one, you'll start to believe me soon don't worry about it.
Chapter Two, letting things go. This kind of goes along with the thought that you can never really forget when someone does something to you. I stand by what I've said, but now moreso than ever I feel asthough I will never be able to let this one thing go. My god, I thought I was bad for what I have been doing in my life; and I have been doing some really shitty twofaced things. But god, I am sick of you. I am sick of your stories and your lies. I am sick of your constant annoyance that you call your life. I wonder how some people can look themselves in the mirror this morning and not be nauseated by what they see looking back at them. That goes for me as well.
Chapter Three, jealousy. Jealousy is probably the worst thing in the word, because it isn't on purpose and when it's recognized you -- or more specifically I, ignore the fact that it's there. And I know it's there, because I use jealousy to try and get back at some people. While recalling things today I couldn't help but notice all of the times I tried to make the same people jealous. The same two or three people and that is another horrible thing of me. And there are a couple of you out there that I am just sickeningly jealous of and I will never get over it. I lost my point. My point is, I am definitely being haunted by the green eyed monster here.. or whatever the hell the nickname for it is; and I know it, and I can't help it. Some things are just inescapable, and I'll have to get over that.
Chapter Four, a facade. I can also honestly say that I wear more faces than Joan Collins. I can fake conversations like the best out there, I can make you think I trust you, I can make you think I am your best friend forever. But I can only count on a hand the people that I don't want to knife themselves right now. By the way I love how this is an emo entry but ever other sentence is ' ' I can ' '. That disturbs me a little. I am so confident about being emo. Anyways. I can pull out lies from no where and they are that easy to believe. But then some of you can see past that and it baffles me as to how. I can lie to my best friends face and have them not know anything is wrong, but I know you know. One of the people that should have been one of the most important in my life never saw anything wrong when I was ready to delete myself from life and I cried nightly, but at the same time there were those of you that just could tell something was off and I hadn't said anything about it. Again, it baffles me. And makes me wonder how many people wear different faces for me. It would break my heart to know that I put on this many faces for other people thinking they don't know, but secretly i'm getting just as many faces in return without knowing it myself. I don't know why.
Chapter Five, guilt. One of the most horrible feelings in the world. It brings down the emo cloud god. I get the worst cases of guilt for things that aren't even my fault. And then while I am guilting up an emo storm, I accidentally make people want to slit their throats or put handguns in their mouths. That just makes me want to ntihodtbhit. And I say that too much. ``mrtuibohiuty``. That's my indecisive way of saying I don't even know. Because I don't know. I know that I want people to be happy, and obviously I will do anything including lying for months at a time to make people happy, even if it makes me want to die in one of the cruelest in most inhumane ways ever. I hate being selfish, and then when I have my own selfish moments I'll notice and feel guilty about that; too. And then apologize. I have said i'm sorry so many times the words are starting to slur into my mouth, I don't even mean it anymore; it's like an auto response that I left on in my head while my brain is out on vacation. I hate apologizing because I think I am almost never wrong. But people are either too childish or too stubborn to listen or reason, so why bother.
Chapter 6, communication. Or lack there of lately. So many things can be solved by talking that one begins to wonder why people don't talk sooner. Waiting doesn't help. All waiting does is build more paranoia, and make people feel guilty for things that they shouldn't feel bad about. Refer to previous paragraph. And again, even if the talking gives you an answer you don't want to hear; it's better than not getting an answer at all. Living in the dark is like living a lie, and living a lie is like killing yourself slowly but surely. It's another one of the bad things that I can't stand right now. I hate living lies eventhough my whole life is a lie in one way shape or form. At one point or another, I am being dishonest with atleast one person, and I can live with that. But I can't live with not knowing who is being dishonest with me. Mother fucking paranoia I tell you. And there is no way to know the truth, so you just have to accept not knowing sometimes.. or you'll go insane. Talking is good. If you want to talk and the other person doesn't, then just let them know you want to talk. Just say ' ' I want to talk ' ' and eventua'ly you'll get your talk. If you know someone wants to talk to you and they refuse to say it, then ask them if they want to talk. Give people the opportunity; be the bigger person -- I guess sometimes it's easier to give in on some things, as much as I hate to admit it. Some people never learn, and you can't work with those people, and you can't change some people; what do you do, you know?
Chapter Seven, you are no princess Diana. So take that fucking crown off. I have been crowned at so many times that now, because of everytime I'v put the crown back on, it's permanently attached to my head. Now maybe I can finally be a god damn princess because that will be the only good thing to come out of this. Being dramatic is over rated, can't you be passive for once. Depending on the situation it makes things alot better. Anyways.. take the fucking crowns off ok? They bring our maturity level from the high of 6 down to the low of two or something. Actually that doesn't apply to everyone, but just those who are crowning. Most people are mature but then when some people aren't, it just brings everyone down.
Chapter Eight, peer pressure. We are all walking ads that are pro peer pressure aren't we. I know I seriously am. Every decision I have made lately and everything I have done is a result of other peoples opinions. Of other people coming to me and telling me what they know and I hate how it makes me now think i'm being manipulated. Because I am. You tell me these kinds of things because you want me to do something specific about them. Guess what, I quit. Peer pressure is for losers ok. I hate it like a fat kid hates mono. I would appreciate if the peer pressure would end right the fuck now. If shit happens then shit happens, and I will have to deal with that, but I don't need someone else in my mind giving me their own twisted reflection on past events that is one sided and is situation dependant trying to mold my opinions and thoughts into these horrible miscontrued things that make me quiver in fear. Because that's what it's done. It's made me afraid. And of one of the people I am definitely not supposed to be afraid of, and though I never would be. I refuse to be afraid. I am a rebel ok? If you don't have anything nice to say, then fuck off and die. ``If you're a loser today, you'll be a loser for the rest of your life. Curl up and die, you have no future``. Bye!
Chapter Nine, living the moment. It's easier said than done, too, like other things i've mentioned. But right now, it is definitely the best thing. You can never forget the past, and you can never stop second-guessing yourself. But you need to be happy. And by you, I mean all of us. I need to be happy. You all need to be happy. And god forbid that happens, right? I am seriously going to say to fucking hell with it all, and start going by that. I know it will have consequences. But I don't care. The short moment of being happy will outweigh whatever comes after that, because right now the bottom line is I need to be happy with something. I need to stop worrying about every little thing ever. I need to get over this all because it's not a big deal. I need to not want to knife myself everytime I have a conversation with anyone. I need to not pretend to like you while wanting to make voodoo dolls of you to stab with hundred of needles. I need to not worry about making mistakes. I need to not worry about what people think. I need to be able to ask questions, or do things without worrying about what fights could come out of it. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see. I need to be able to want to say that I am Kaci Herion, and I really fucking love my life.