THE SIGN, PART 8 / 8

[kachelofen]

THE SIGN

PART EIGHT

Ted has seen Brian in a variety of states - from being off his head on drugs and booze to such a degree that he really doesn’t care what he does or says to being professionally charming enough to divest clients of all their money almost against their will - but he doesn’t think that he's seen him like this before.

Brian calls him into his office just after lunch on Monday and goes through the books with him. It’s not such a rare occurrence after a long absence, but Brian’s never before wanted so much detail. Ted doesn’t mind. He likes showing off how well he has everything under control. Accountancy is the only area in his life where he has a chance to impress his boss.

He likes to impress Brian and often marvels how his profession, which came under so much ridicule from Brian when they were just semi-friends, has now become their common ground, where they're equals and respect each other. And in the long run, everyone wants to earn Brian’s respect, whether it’s professionally or privately. There’s just something about Brian that makes you crave his approval.

But there’s something different about Brian today. Normally, Brian just looks for ballpoint figures and asks for projections - which he then largely ignores. Maybe he doesn’t trust Ted quite that far or maybe he doesn’t care about what future Ted predicts because Brian knows he can always do better. And he usually does, too. But today he wants to know everything, every last cent catches his interest, every contract, every projection and every deadline.

To Ted it feels a bit like being back at college - and during exam time, no less. For a while he wonders if he’s lost Brian’s trust altogether and whether Brian is trying to catch him fiddling the books. But Ted knows that if that were the case, there would be a professional audit and he'd be sitting outside waiting for the verdict, possibly with a security guard by his side. And he’s really not that insecure anymore. So, after a few minutes, he starts to enjoy himself. It’s not very often that someone takes more than a passing interest in what he actually does instead of just wanting to know how much money he can make them.

Today, Brian is what Ted would call jovial and that’s certainly new. Ted knows that he’s the only one out of the old gang who sees Brian on a regular basis and even that’s only because he works for him. But they have also become friends of sorts and there are times when Brian actually listens to Ted. However, that doesn’t mean what the gang thinks it means. Ted is not hanging out with Brian outside work and has no more clue about what Brian does than any of them.

Ted has new friends now. There’s Tyler, who works for Cynthia in Admin, and there are some people that Blake introduced him to, who have become good friends to both of them. Ted had to withdraw from what he considers his family when Brian withdrew from them. In the end, Ted couldn’t stand the constant barrage of questions every time he saw any member of the gang. He didn’t know anything and even if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to tell anyone without losing his job. But that’s not how the others saw it. It ended with so much resentment on both sides that he simply stopped going to Deb’s and the diner and Michael's and he now only sees Emmett once in a blue moon.

For a while, Ted was angry with Brian for being the cause of his alienation, but he has long since resigned himself to the fact that Brian’s behavior may have been at the heart of it, but Ted would also have expected more consideration for his own position from his other friends. Things are what they are. It’s no one’s fault.

Ted likes that Brian is intensely interested in what he has to say and after a while he realizes what it is that’s different today. There’s no hint of mockery in Brian’s voice.

Finally, Brian looks at him. “It’s looking good, Theodore.”

“Yes, I think we can safely say that Kinnetik’s in excellent shape.”

Brian tilts his head to one side and gives him a smile that’s almost seductive - because Brian doesn’t know how not to be seductive. “I meant you’re doing a great job.”

Ted stops gathering his papers together and looks at him, somewhat confused. It’s not as if Brian’s never praised him before, it’s just that he’s never done it in such a straight forward manner or with so little reason. Nothing out of the ordinary has occurred and Ted hasn't done anything that he doesn’t do every single day of the week. “Thank you, Bri,” he says after clearing his throat.

Brian just nods and turns to his laptop. “You should go home, Theodore. Take the rest of the afternoon off. I’m sure your hubby would appreciate it.”

Ted ignores the implied slight on his rather normative domestic situation and almost says something along the lines of ‘I’m sure yours would, too’, but that would give Cynthia away and quite possibly fuck things up for Justin as well. The last thing Ted wants is Brian setting off on one of his ‘I need to prove something’ trips to Babylon and the baths when it looks like there’s finally a glimmer of hope on the horizon for him. So he just nods and makes his way to the door, his mind already on the evening ahead. He hopes Blake will be home at a decent time, so they can enjoy it together.

“By the way, Theodore, I trust that my personal papers are in order?” he hears Brian say and when he stops in his tracks and turns to look at him, Brian hasn’t even looked up from the screen.

“They’re the same as they were three years ago. Are you planning on making any changes?”

“No.” There’s a pause and Brian taps a few keys. “Just making sure that everything’s up to date.”

“Everything’s up to date,” Ted confirms and looks at Brian a bit longer, waiting for… something. But he already knows that this is the end of the conversation. Brian doesn’t need to explain himself. He never did and never will.

“Goodbye, Theodore.”

“Bye, Brian.”

Ted dismisses the feeling that something is off - just ever so slightly out of alignment - with a shrug. Brian hasn’t been right for a long time and Ted won’t be the one to fix it. He does what he can and leaves the rest to those who have a chance to succeed, namely Justin. And he has a free afternoon. It’s a rare enough occasion for him to be happy about that, especially coming hot on the heels of some unexpected praise from Brian. Yes, he will really enjoy the rest of the day.

Justin is in his studio all afternoon, painting without much inspiration or enthusiasm. He feels sluggish after a long lie-in. Brian’s insomnia is taking its toll on Justin. Not only does Brian not sleep more than three or four hours a night, he’s also rather restless as soon as he’s awake. Justin’s ass can give testament to how restless. He feels as sleep deprived as if he was the one with insomnia and going back to bed after breakfast has only made matters worse.

Justin cakes some colors onto the canvas, being vaguely aware that he’s working so slowly that the paints are starting to dry up on the palette. He squeezes some more out of the tube but then realizes that he accidentally squirted a dab of ocher onto his teal. He should just give up, but he’s not here to paint anyway, he’s here because it helps him think.

He absentmindedly mixes the ocher and the teal together, producing something that looks vaguely sickening. He should stop this pointless exercise. He should eat something. He should shower. He should be happy.

Where the fuck did that come from?

Four weeks ago he awoke in a hospital in New York to see Brian sitting by his bed. Today he and Brian are back together after three endlessly long years and Justin should be ecstatic. He's dreamed about this for so long, and yet… Maybe he really is never content with what he’s got.

But he doesn’t think that’s the problem. The problem is Brian - how could it be otherwise? There’s something about him that freaks Justin out. Brian is so weirdly… what? Serene. Calm and serene. That’s what. And that’s not really Brian.

Okay, so Brian is still struggling with his grief. And, really, is it any wonder the way everybody tiptoes around him? Justin knows that Debbie and Michael mean well and are trying their hardest not to upset Brian, but all they managed to do in three years is letting Brian stay stuck in the process. It took Justin a long time to get over Lindsay and Gus, not least because he also had to cope with losing Brian at the same time. So Justin read a lot of literature and he knows all about the stages of grief. He worked through his feelings of loss meticulously, both over Lindsay and Gus and over Brian.

Brian, after choosing in true Kinney fashion to do this alone, somehow never got past the first couple of stages and no surprise there when no one expected him to. Brian has never been very good at coping with emotions, positive or negative. He’s afraid of them and does his hardest to ignore them. The tragedy knocked everyone in the family off their feet, but Brian was the only one who didn’t have anyone to help him back up. The fact that he contrived to make it so doesn't alter the fact that they all failed him.

Justin thinks back over every word Brian has uttered since he walked into the house on Thursday. So Brian somehow got it in his head that he’s being punished, and damn his mother and the religious claptrap she inflicted on him during his childhood! Justin went to church a few times when he was a child, usually on high holidays, but it didn’t mean much to him or even his parents and when he realized he was gay, the idea that it might be a sin honestly never even came into it.

But he would bet that Brian really struggled with that. Add to that the constant disapproval from his parents and it wasn’t such a stretch that Brian would think that he was being punished. So what he’s been doing for the last three years, withdrawing from everyone he loves, was just punishment for himself. Because Brian would much rather suffer himself than see other people in pain.

Brian can’t quite deny what happened but he can’t just accept it either. He let out his anger and frustration for two months - and Justin really doesn’t want to know any longer what exactly Brian did in that time - and then he started bargaining. There was nothing he could do for Gus and Lindsay, but somehow Brian thinks that he can keep everyone safe if stays away from them, if he gives up his own happiness for theirs.

So far, it all makes sense to Justin - sort of, because, really, how damaged and, yes, self-absorbed do you have to be to believe that everything that happens in life is because of you? But he’s used to that with Brian, who still believes that Justin got bashed in the head because he came to his prom or that Justin nearly got blown up because he was at his club.

But be that as it may, the real question is what happened to make Brian change his mind? Why did he suddenly turn up? Justin can’t quite believe that it was remorse over what happened with Owen. Brian has never given much weight to a fuck. Even if he felt momentarily bad about hurting Justin, it wouldn't be sufficient to suddenly turn around and forget all about the last three years.

And it’s not just that. It’s that Brian is decidedly weird at the moment, soft and gentle and attentive. Even at his worst pod person phase after the proposal he was never like this. Brian cooked him breakfast on Saturday - which Justin then didn’t eat and he feels bad about that now - and he told Justin that he loves him without any prompting. He never even looked at other guys at Babylon and he blew Justin in the VIP lounge. On his knees! And didn’t care. Whatever Justin said to him over the weekend, there was not a single sarcastic deflection from Brian.

Everything is wonderful.

He should be happy.

Fuck!

Justin cleans his brushes when the afternoon turns into evening. He takes a long shower and packs his bag because tomorrow they’ll be going to New York. There wasn’t even a discussion about that. Just like there wasn’t a discussion about not living at Britin. Brian has mentioned that the contract he signed last week would be not just sufficient but demanding that Kinnetik expands and that he'd do this in New York if Justin wanted it.

Justin should be more than happy, but something isn’t right. He can feel it in his bones or in his gut or somewhere. Something doesn’t add up. And that feeling that his skin itches hasn’t really left him. Brian is up to something. He’s going to disappear again, Justin knows it. Maybe even more thoroughly than he did before.

Justin lies on the couch in the living room and stares at the ceiling. Brian has promised him that he'll always speak to him from now on and that they'll always see each other if they are in the same city. Well, he said ‘place’, which is a strange way of putting it, but still, Brian doesn’t break his promises. So why is Justin so uneasy?

After a while, Justin goes to stick a pizza in the oven and the smell emanating from the kitchen twenty minutes later makes his empty stomach growl. But when the food is done he can only down one slice. His restlessness drives him to the front window in the living room. He doesn’t expect Brian to be home before late because Brian will spend a week or two in New York and he’ll want to have everything in order by the time he leaves Kinnetik tonight. He said as much this morning.

It’s around nine o’clock when Justin’s cellphone rings. He walks over to pick it up from the coffee table and glances at the caller display, which doesn’t help him much since he doesn’t recognize the number.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Justin. It’s Ted. Is Brian home yet?”

“No, I thought he was still at work.”

“He probably is. Uhm… I wanted to talk to you actually.”

Behind Brian’s back, obviously. Justin can’t quite decide whether he finds it amusing or annoying that now, when he doesn’t need it any longer, everybody seems to be willing to discuss Brian with him. For three years they've blocked all his attempts to even talk about Brian, never mind keeping his phone number a closely guarded secret. Then, even one person willing to share would have given Justin a glimmer of hope, now it feels like adding insult to injury. Surely there must be some irony in there.

“What’s up?” he asks, as friendly as he can make it in this weird mood that he’s in.

“I don’t really now. I mean, I don’t know if it’s anything at all. Or if I’m just seeing problems where there aren’t any. Or if I’m overreacting. But Blake always tells me to say it out loud to see how stupid it sounds when I do. So this is me, saying it out loud, so that I can get some sleep later, instead of worrying about it all night.”

There‘s a pause, in which Ted clears his throat but doesn’t say anything afterwards.

“Ted, to say it out loud you would actually have to, you know, say it. What the fuck's this about?”

“What? Oh, yes, of course. So, I was in a meeting with Brian earlier. And he was a little weird. I don’t know how to describe it. He didn’t make fun of me at all and he said I was doing a good job and then he told me to take the rest of the afternoon off. He’s never done that before. Not once.”

“Uhm… you’re upset because Brian didn’t make fun of you and gave you the afternoon off? Are you sure I’m the right person to call?”

Ted sighs. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m probably seeing things. But, It’s just… I have this feeling… and I can’t shake it.”

“You and me both,” Justin mutters, mostly to himself, but Ted hears it and sighs again, this time in relief.

“You, too, eh? Well, do you know what’s going on?”

“Haven’t worked it out yet.”

“Oh.” There’s a pause in which Ted is probably trying to work out if Justin really doesn’t know or if he’s just not saying. Justin thinks that it would serve everybody right if they were the ones left in the dark for a change. He has to admit though, that he always understood Ted’s reasons better than anybody else’s. The poor guy was really stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“Well, I won’t bother you any longer. I just wanted to put my mind at rest. Pass the buck so to speak. There was one other thing though… before I left his office, he asked me if all his personal papers were in order.”

“What personal papers?”

“Well, we usually refer to his will and his in absentia instructions, that sort of thing, for Kinnetik as his personal papers. That was probably what set me off. Although it’s always prudent to revise those routinely every now and then.”

“What do they say?”

“Uhm… Justin… you know, I don’t think I should talk about that. That’s something you should ask Brian.”

Yeah, Justin didn’t think it would be that easy and it was just idle curiosity anyway. But it has the effect that Ted ends the conversation in a hurry. He’s got very good at that over the years.

Justin feels even worse after he puts the phone down. So he’s not the only one who senses that there’s something going on. He presses the speed dial button to call Brian. It would make him feel better to speak to him and he can find out when he’s coming home at the same time.

It goes straight to voicemail. Not a single ring. Brian must have his cell phone switched off. Justin stands in the middle of the living room, tapping the side of his phone against his chin thoughtfully. He thinks of the weekend and of how soft Brian has been. Of Brian agreeing to any and all of Justin’s suggestions. Of Brian’s visits to Michael and the diner. Of Brian blowing him in front of everyone at Babylon. Of personal papers and of Brian saying ‘I didn’t want you to think of me like that’.

And suddenly it all makes sense. Of course, Brian was amenable to Justin’s wishes - because he knew he wouldn’t have to make good on any of it. And blowing Justin in public no longer matters because his reputation at Babylon is no longer of any importance to Brian.

Justin tries the cell again as he’s already rushing into the hall and slipping into his trainers.

“Kinney. Leave a message.”

“Damn it, Brian! Don’t do this to me. If you do this… if you… don’t do this to me! Please… Answer the fucking phone, damn it!”

He snaps his phone shut and runs out to his rental car. They're planning to travel to the airport in it tomorrow morning and leaving the ‘vette in the garage at Britin. He throws his cell on the passenger seat and starts the car. The headlights throw a ghostly beam over the already darkening driveway and bounce up and down a little as Justin races the car down it.

*

Cynthia’s steps fade away along the corridor as she makes her way out of the building. She’s the last one to leave and for a moment Brian marvels at how lucky he was that the first person the typing pool sent him when he became a senior account manager at Ryder’s turned out to be the best PA he could have wished for. He leans back in his chair and stares at the ceiling. He loves this office. He’s always loved this office. But Cynthia has informed him that it’s now after eight o’clock and he knows he can no longer linger. He tidies his desk with precision. Everything in its place and every pen and pencil neatly aligned. He likes order. It gives him a sense of being in control that he’s long since learned to recognize as an illusion.

He rearranges the fruit display on the conference table and then switches the lights off. He does the same in the outer office. Passing the Art Department, he sticks his head in for a moment. One of the boards catches his eye and he walks over there. Marker pen already in hand he hesitates. He wants to leave Trevor a note that the green needs to be a shade darker, but then thinks better of it and shrugs. He’ll just have to trust that Trevor will work it out for himself.

Brian makes his way to the front door, throwing his empire into darkness as he goes along. The security guard must be on his break because he’s nowhere to be seen, so Brian lets himself out and locks the door. He gives one last look up at the building, remembering when this was an actual bathhouse, a long, long time ago - in another life, well, someone else’s life almost.

In the car he switches his cell phone off and pauses again. The urge to call Justin is strong, but he knows that he can’t. Justin can never even suspect the truth. It’s better this way - he told Justin that before. Of course, Justin never listens and even when he does, he argues endlessly.

Against his normal habit, Brian sticks rigidly to the speed limit and doesn’t even get impatient when there’s a short delay because of some construction on one of the main roads. Then he’s out in the country and the roads are less busy before becoming practically deserted.

He stops the car in the same spot where he stopped on Friday, looking at the tree that’s just far enough away to gather enough speed. When he retrieves his cigarettes from his pocket, there are four left in the pack. Okay, four cigarettes it is.

The light’s just starting to fade now, giving the countryside an eerie pale pink glow. It’s rather soothing. He lights the first one.

Brian’s been planning this for a long time. Granted, setting his fortieth birthday as a deadline was arbitrary, but it made a kind of poetic sense to him. If Mikey hadn’t turned up on the night before his thirtieth birthday, there’s a good chance Brian wouldn’t be sitting here, wishing that his life had been that easy. At the time, he thought it was about sexual gratification more than the risk of dying, but it wouldn’t have bothered him if he had. Well, of course, it wouldn’t have bothered him, he would have been dead. And would have left a beautiful corpse.

There are a lot of experiences he would never have had if he'd died that night. Some still make him marvel that it really happened to him, like those nine months after Justin went to New York. He remembers traveling there every weekend that Justin couldn’t make it home, knowing that he was moving towards that point in his life where everything would fall into place. And Justin doing the same and being ten times more beautiful, inside and out, for being happy.

Some things in his life really worked out great. Kinnetik for example, which is more successful than he ever hoped when he started out. In the beginning, it was just a means to earn some money after getting sacked from Vangard, but it soon became so much more. It was one-upmanship on his part, showing the world that it couldn’t keep Brian Kinney down. Not for long anyway. How arrogant he was then!

But still, Kinnetik is his proudest achievement. They’re at a point now where he can do what he always dreamed of, go to New York. Where he always wanted to be. Now, he could show the people out there how it’s done. After bagging the Barron Industries account, Kinnetik is practically guaranteed success there. Only, it doesn’t mean anything anymore, just hard work.

When he saw Mitch Barron sign the contract last week and didn’t feel anything akin to elation, Brian knew that Kinnetik was no longer a good enough excuse to linger. He achieved what he wanted. Now that he knows that he made his dream come true, he doesn’t need to actually live it. And Kinnetik will be his legacy, a way to live on for a little while after he’s gone. It’s not as if he has any other legacies left.

Of course, he fully expects to be talked about on Liberty Avenue for some time to come. Even nearing forty, he can still have whomever he wants. It’s his personal playground, especially at Babylon. But it’s never been the same after the bombing. It’s as if there’s a lingering aura of morbidity in the air, although he seems to be the only one feeling it. Fags are fickle. They soon forgot the dead and the injured and they'll forget him even quicker. So maybe he’ll be lucky to be talked about for a couple of weeks.

Being the stud of gay Pittsburgh doesn’t mean anything to him anymore. It wouldn’t last forever anyway and he doesn’t want to become the aging club boy that Michael accused him of being once. He’s slowed down already, maybe not by other people’s standards, but by his own. The problem is that pulling guys does nothing for him any longer other than physical release and mild distraction. The chase doesn’t excite him as it once did and the actual fucking is on par with a good workout in the gym.

Unless it’s Justin, of course. That's what Justin didn’t understand about Brian after the proposal. Not only did the other guys not mean anything in terms of personal attachment, but he also no longer needed them for his ego. But Justin got it eventually, after Brian’s umpteenth visit to New York.

Even with Justin in a different city, Brian was… happy. Committed in his own way. Hopeful. He knew it was only a matter of time until everything in his life would come together. He and Justin were already closer than they’d ever been when they were living together. It truly was only time. And Justin understood that after a while.

And then, just as Brian was on the verge of getting everything he never coveted and now wanted with a wild fierceness, fate came along and pulled the rug from under his feet. Laughing at him for his hubris. And Brian didn’t just stumble, he crumbled. He bowed down and submitted to a higher power. Because some fights you cannot win.

Brian lights another cigarette and winds down the window a little to let the smoke out. It’s still warm out despite being nearly dark now. It’s so quiet out here, he can imagine himself alone in the world. Like he has been over the last three years. Because he made it that way.

It was hard at times, staying away, being solitary. But the longer it went on, the easier it got. All his relationships changed and he can’t tell any longer if it’s because he sees them so rarely now or because of the accident. Nowadays, Brian feels a strange loneliness even when he’s with Michael. It’s the complete opposite of how Michael made him feel when they were younger and it’s another reason that Brian has avoided seeing him. The same goes for Debbie. He hasn’t forgotten that Debbie is more of a mother to him than Joanie ever was and that Michael will always be his friend. Even Ted and Emmett he will always consider his friends because they never stopped treating him as such.

But it’s just so damn hard because he’s so fucking tired all the time. Everything's a struggle. He has lapses in concentration that he never used to have before. There are periods where he just drifts off, not asleep - how he wishes he was! - but not quite awake either. And once or twice he even had blackouts. He’s tired of being tired. It makes him short-tempered and impairs his judgment. He's started to review all his work first thing after he gets up because those two or three hours are the only time of the day when he can think clearly. His doctor warned him about that and about delusions and paranoia. Luckily there are no signs of any of those yet.

He lights a new cigarette on the old one before stubbing it out.

He had a plan. For three years Brian had a plan and he stuck to it religiously. With hard work and determination he's turned Kinnetik into something to be proud of. And what’s more, it'll give Justin the means to achieve whatever he wants in his life. At the same time, Brian has managed to keep everyone safe by keeping away from them and in the process has got them all so used to not seeing him, that they'll hardly notice that he’s gone.

But now all bets are off - again. And it’s because of Justin - again. Justin always manages to get under his skin, he always did and always will. For the last three years nothing's been as hard as staying away from Justin. The only thing that kept Brian going was his conviction that he was keeping Justin safe and knowing that he wouldn’t have to do this forever.

And then he gets one measly phone call and all his plans and all his struggle are shot to hell. Brian knows that it was a sign. There’s a reason it happened just at the point where he has to make a decision about expanding Kinnetik. It must mean that he’s done all that he should and it’s time to go. Why wait for his fortieth birthday?

But once Brian made that decision, he couldn’t leave things with Justin as they were. He didn’t want Justin’s last memory of him to be seeing him come out of Owen’s bedroom. And Justin deserved some answers, too. That’s the reason Brian came here for the weekend. He somehow had to convey to Justin that he did it all to protect him, to remove Brian’s toxic influence from his life, not because Brian didn’t love him anymore.

Only he doesn’t know how successful he was in doing that. Brian tried to be the perfect partner over the weekend, to leave Justin with best memory of him that he could possibly have. But he can’t tell if he’s done enough.

What he does know is that, in the process, he has found something that he didn’t expect. He’s been happy for the last few days. Justin managed to warm Brian in places that he didn’t know were cold. And what is more, Brian didn’t think he'd ever be warm again. Not on the inside.

After only four and a half days, two of which he spent almost entirely at work, Brian feels a lot less numb and everything suddenly looks a little different. Like what he’s doing right now. Brian's had this tree picked out for a long time. His doctor will be able to testify to his insomnia and it will seem natural that he fell asleep at the wheel, especially on these quiet roads out here. He always knew that there must never be any doubt that it was an accident. It would be too cruel to put Justin through that.

But now that he’s here, he’s suddenly aware that he'd much rather go home. Whenever he thought about this before, it always afforded him a vague sense of comfort. So he expected to feel relief, but all he can think of is Justin. It seems unfair to him that he has to end it at this point when all he has to do is reach out and take what's been missing from his life for so long. If he were to go home now and leave it for another day, would there really be any harm in that? After the three years he’s just been through, he deserves a little happiness, right?

He stubs out his cigarette and takes the last one out the pack, crumbling the cardboard box and throwing it behind the seat. Last one. It’s nearly time. In the distance he sees the moving headlights of a car and is vaguely annoyed that it’s disturbing his solitude.

But he doesn’t light up yet because he’s not ready. How can he not be ready? He’s been planning this for so long. Why is it only now that he has doubts for the first time?

There’s always the possibility that he wants to have doubts now, because he would much rather be with Justin. There was never any question that he wanted to be with Justin all this time, but now he wonders if it’s possible. Maybe the answer's not to stay away but to stay close to keep an eye on him, like Justin said. Also, this weekend was the first time Brian has ever told anyone about the reason for his behavior over the last three years. And, predictably, Justin scoffed at his ideas.

What if Justin is right? What if life is just random events? Brian has always believed that people make their own luck and their own pain. He has lived by that credo all his life. It helped him leave his parents behind, become a big fucking success and find the happiness he'd mistrusted all his life. He never credited God or fate with any of that. That was all determination and hard work and a bit of sheer damn luck.

Of course, there’s an element of chance in everything. All the good things in his life - Justin, Debbie, Michael, success - are to some extent accidental. Being born the way he was, gifted with good looks, intelligence and talent was the luck of the draw. Getting paired with Michael for a chemistry project on his first day at school was just happenstance. And how much more random can you get than meeting someone under a streetlight? He never considered any of that fate, just fortuity, if he ever thought about it in those terms at all.

And yet he considers all the terrible things in his life a well-deserved punishment. Why is that? He knows it has a lot to do with his upbringing, with going to church every week and hearing how God punishes the sinners. But he doesn’t believe in God anymore, hasn’t for a long time. And if he rejected one higher power, why would he believe in another, in fate?

And if none of it is fate, then what he’s doing is pointless. He suddenly realizes that he’s no longer convinced that it will achieve anything. All this time he never doubted that this is the way, that this would save Justin and everybody else he loves. What if he was only convinced of it because it was easier this way? It meant that he didn’t have to endure the pain that he was feeling forever. And it helped him cope with this terrible fear that he can’t master, the fear of losing Justin.

So that makes him a coward really. He never looked at it that way. Brian knows that he’s just looking for arguments not to do this, because he no longer wants to do this, because after only a few days with Justin, he knows that being with him is all he wants now. He really doesn’t know any longer what to think, but he knows how he feels. And if there’s the slightest chance that he was wrong all this time, that being with Justin won’t cause Justin any harm, then Brian will take that chance and make the most of it. And if he was right all this time, then maybe the three years of purgatory he’s put himself through will be enough. Either way, Brian won't do this as long as he has doubts. And a life with Justin to look forward to.

Brian breathes deeply to quell the fear that assails him with full force as soon as his decision is made. He knows it’s stupid to think that Justin is in any more danger now that Brian decided to be with him, than he was this morning or this afternoon, but it’s hard to stop thinking like that after all this time. He’ll need practice.

He’s ready to smoke that last cigarette now and go home. The other car has made its way along the winding roads and is approaching now, seemingly going very fast. Brian is momentarily blinded by its headlights and then it’s past in a flash. He fumbles around for his lighter in his pockets, idly watching the taillights of the other car double in size in the wing mirror. Brake lights. A moment later, the white reverse lights come on and the other car moves closer, backing into the lay-by at breakneck speed and coming to a stop behind his own car. Then everything is in darkness again and Brian watches the driver approach, open the door to the ‘vette and slip into the passenger seat.

He doesn’t look at Justin, just sticks the last cigarette between his lips and lights it. They both look out front silently and Brian winds the window all the way down, so that Justin doesn’t have to breathe his smoke. Justin is gulping in shuddering breaths as if he’s been running instead of driving.

“Nice view,” Justin says finally, staring at the tree, which is silhouetted against the darkening sky, its branches all blackness and shadows now.

“Yeah, in a rustic, accident black spot kind of way.”

He can hear Justin swallow hard. “So I was right?”

Brian shrugs. “Would you believe me if I said no?”

“Do you have any idea how fucking angry I’m with you right now? I would hit you if I wasn’t so fucking relieved that I’m not too late.”

“You wouldn’t have been too late anyway.” Brian blows the smoke out of the window.

Justin looks at him for the first time. “I wouldn’t have?”

“Nah, I’m just enjoying the view.” Brian's not going to tell him that he changed his mind less than two minutes ago. Justin knows and Brian’s okay with that, but he won’t discuss it. It also means that Justin wouldn’t have been fooled anyway and Brian is glad that he didn’t put him through that after all.

“The rustic, accident black spot kind of view?” Justin gives him a little smile, Brian can just see it out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah. It’s very underrated.”

There’s another long pause while Brian is smoking, looking straight ahead and Justin is watching him.

“What’s gonna happen now?” Justin asks quietly.

“Now we’re going back to the house that you hate. And tomorrow we’re going to New York and we'll find an apartment and some premises for Kinnetik NY and you'll finish your degree and paint murals in people’s houses until you become famous and richer than fuck.”

“It can’t be that simple.”

“Probably not. Nothing worth having ever is. Who knows that better than you and I?” He stubs out his half-smoked cigarette and takes Justin’s hand, linking their fingers together and looking at him for the first time. “We’ll make it.”

“Yeah,” Justin says, lifting their hands and kissing Brian’s knuckles.

Brian leans over and waits patiently for Justin to do the same so he can kiss him. The slightly wet noises they're making sound loud in the enclosure of the car and Justin’s arms come round him like a vise. When they stop, they put their foreheads together in that intimate way they’ve always had, almost from the very beginning.

“Promise me that you'll never do this to me. I need you to promise me. Just this one thing.” Justin’s voice is a little shaky.

“I promise.”

Justin sighs but doesn’t let go. Brian doesn’t mind, despite being hunched a little uncomfortably over the gear stick.

Then Justin chuckles quietly. “You do remember that you blew me in the VIP lounge, right?”

Brian huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, there is that.”

He thinks that maybe he’ll be able to sleep tonight.

EPILOGUE: http://kachelofen.livejournal.com/21668.html#cutid1