(no subject)

[kaceebonez]

Hi world. It's been a long time since I talked to you. I've been having a hard time, my medication has stopped working so I've had to have brain scans done to find out what parts of my brain are malfunctioning. It's been hell some days, but I always make it out the other side okay. Adam keeps me happy, he always seems to understand and know just what to say and what not to say. He's been my savior the past few years, I can't even express how much he has done for me. I'm on a month leave from school, I really couldn't handle it right now and I didn't want to fuck up my grades since up to now I have a 90% or higher average. I have two months to go then I'll have my MA license. After that I don't know what I'll do. It's hard to look ahead that far when I feel so trapped right now. I'll probably go back to school and further my education, I never wanted to just be a medical assistant. I'm too smart for that, but right now I can't even guarantee that I can get out of bed and face the world every day. That should change soon, I start on a new medication tomorrow after my last brain scan, and once the scans are analyzed they can try to figure out what medications to put me on to make things right again. It's hard being trapped with this brain, my feelings and thoughts being so unpredictable. I hate falling asleep at night because I don't know if tomorrow I'll wake up feeling dead inside. The dreams aren't so bad anymore, I almost miss them now. I'm just in a sort of grey spot between crying and laughing, not really having the energy or compulsion to do either. I worry that life will always feel like this. I'm scared. I can't say that aloud but here for some reason it's easier to let it out and just admit that I'm scared shitless that I'll never be able to do anything with all the talent I have, with the genious I have, that someday I'll combust like Sylvia Plath or Emily Dickinson. That someday the world will crush me and at that moment I'll be too weak to stand up again. Right now I feel weak. I feel alone, even in rooms full of people. I don't want anyone to look at me. I'm ashamed that I can't will myself to be better. I can't accept that I have a disease. Or maybe this is what acceptance feels like. Fear. 20% suicide rate. Scared shitless. I want to be good. I want to have a life and a career where I won't have to worry about whether I'll be able to get up the next day. Where I can worry about the normal things in life instead of my sanity. I'm sure most of you won't understand this, or you'll think that I'm losing it. The truth is, if you saw me you'd think I was fine, maybe a little empty, but fine. I'm good at keeping up appearences, you know. It's not your job to carry my pain, and I won't let you. The fact is, this is my burden to bear and at the least I can honestly say I'm bearing it, bearing it like a champion. I smile when it's appropriate. I laugh when it's expected. I don't want you to cry for me. I don't want you to feel bad for me or sorry. That's not what this is about. I just want to once and for all let it out that this is who I am, and to look my devil in the face. And say fuck you because I'm a survivor and I'm not going to give up yet.

This is my manifesto.