too much drama
now that i really thinka bout it. i dont really have anything to say. if i had the patience i could give my life story. say somethings that people dont know about me. maybe like..2 or 3 ppl know. but im not going to. because i dont just want to open myself up. because then more people will know how to hurt me. and i cant deal with anymore hurt. and now i should like a fucking baby. god i hate myself. why am i fucking like this? its like im multi-personalitied. like...what? 4 hours ago? i was all happy go lucky. i was running around at carols screaming and being hyper and singing and telling stories. being the me that i do honestly miss. and now im in one of those kill yourself moods.
i dont get school. i just plain out dont. i dont think i understand anything except language arts. im soo stupid. go ahead, say im not. say im not trying. but i am. im sick of trying..i can say that..but its not that im not trying. i definatly dont understand anything we are doing in math. science theres too many big words. and social studies the grading system is just too tough. i dont know how to make everything better.
the only thing really really good right now is that i have carol by my side basically 24/7.
man, why didnt i fucking goto the riding bikes show last niiight?! oo if anyone went pllleeease tell me how it was. i was just so depressed i couldnt even get up.
okay, i think all of you guys are sick of me complaining..so im going to put a cut to the rest of my complaining..so you dont have to read it.
okay, here we go.
why? why am i like this? why cant i go on? why did i write a suicide note to carol on monday? because im scared? maybe. but what do i really have to be scared of?
my weekend consisted of carols house. friday night was the skatezone show. it was pretty good. *yesterday forgotten* got so good, so fast. and my song does sound amazing. its sort of weird having them sing about something so personal to me though. and jeff..damn..hes just so fucking talented. and i really enjoyed singing with danielle about stuff we can both relate to. i love her. i dont know what id do if danielle wasnt so close.
i feel so horrible about what i did to my brother before. i accually hope he reads this. i really do love him, no matter what ive ever said. i get so scared that hes going to do something that hes going to regret sometimes. i know that he is careful about what he does..but im just scared. id die if i lost him. i wanted to kill myself on monday because he was mad at me. because i knew that i lost him. not physically lost him. but lost his trust..and everything like that. id do anything and everything to make him forget everything and forgive me..again.
okay, im done.
<3kabs