Whazoot!
Two things for you today:
First, a letter from Ayatollah Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, to Allah. I promise it's 100% verifiable, except that I wrote it. Enjoy, if the Lord wills it so. Ma sha' Allah!
12 Rabi’ al-Awwal, 1427
(April 11, 2006)
Allah, Subhanahu wa Ta’ala:
The word has been spoken for your child, Iran: our uranium is enriched to 3.5%. President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad announced it today, and it will be seen on every cheap silicon-studded television set across the world. Iran is fast on its way to entering the ranks of the great scientific nations, those lands that have harnessed nuclear power: I hope the West chokes on the news. They thought they were entirely unmatched in the technological monopoly, but look what can be done by servants of faith!
This is for you, in all external senses possible, whatever you may really know of my mind. It is in your name that I will restore Iran to its ancient greatness; it is with your blessing on my hand that I will guide the construction of generators, and continue to support the research and discovery that will do so much to help the Iranian people. Iran will re-enter the world stage, we will bring back our great artists and writers and thinkers, we will end the unrest and division caused by minorities and Westerners, and then all the people of the world will know the truth and power of Shi’a and theocracy. Such is my method of predestination.
But you know all this, certainly. You are the omnipresent, everywhere and everything. I am merely a servant, scratching a letter that will be burned before any other eye sees it, on the surface of a blade of linear time. You’ve heard this all before. And yet, I have been elevated to Supreme Leadership, and therefore I dare speak that my pen has a small - how very small, but still present - authority. It is for that reason that I dare to speak to you in this manner, though I know it for the blasphemy it teeters on the edge of; I am fencing you into a physical, confined plot with every word I write, forcing you to listen, creating a stake to tie you down in space-time - I might as well be drawing a picture of you. You fashioned this pen, though, and this hand, and Ma sha’ Allah, you placed me here, the head of your people!
Strike me for this thought then, if there is a more capable Supreme Leader, or if you want one who would not pen this, but only think it to himself: in your infinite wisdom you have lost the reigns of authority. Where were you, I wonder, in 1941, when Mohammed Reza Pahlavi wrested power from his father? Was your hand on the side of the Allies, those Americans and British capitalists who put that puppet in place to feed their inappeasable oil industry? Were you still in ultimate charge, the days when that dictatorial Shah began executing the faithful among your own worshippers and clergy, the ones who saw the Western influence for the greed-saturated, immoral it truly was?
No, I know the reality of this story, the history of poor Persia. You abandoned us the day Muhammad died, the day you allowed Abu Bakr became the first caliph. That was the day when Islam should have learned that religion cannot rely on God, but must sit on the shoulders of men. There is no predestination in injustice, unless it be with an unjust Allah - and despite everything else I may say, I know that to not be true. There is perfect justice in your works - the unequalled beauty of your creation can testify that - but I worry that there is no longer the necessary power to bring about that justice.
I am a humble man, you know. I am not a great scholar - I should not have been named Supreme Leader, I lack the educational and religious rank that blessed Ayatollah Khomeini had. Yet I have been placed in his stead, and the weight of the continuance of the great Revolution is now my responsibility. Therefore, I stand before you, and I declare this: though your favor may have left the Iranians, though you may have chosen to subjugate your true followers to the powers of outside hypocritical majorities for the past 1400 years, and whatever you may continue to do with your divine authority, I will continue my programs for Iran’s salvation, including the aforementioned uranium enrichment.
I suppose that, to continue this to justice, I must admit a weakness here: it is that, despite all else, I love Iran. I love the stone courts of Persepolis, the rhythm and warm tone of the salat, the dark hair and bright eyes - it might even be possible that my love for Iran exceeds my love for you. I have said before that I am not a man of great faith (ah-to see the ashes of these pages in my hands!) I could worship you fully, as a follower should, if I believed that I could trust you. I could only trust you, though, after seeing the ancient history of Persia in the manner of a God who blesses his beloved children.
Iran! How loudly her suffering rings in my ears! I have seen the destruction that millennia of outside invasion has wrought on her head - the desecration of the holy places, the destitution of the poor and weak, the plunder of the very blood that once filled the rich veins of culture itself - and all at the hands of these foreign imperialists, the Mongols, the Russians, the British, the Americans: they who would tear our beating heart from our chest and offer us “modernization” in its stead! I say no more - let them watch Iran grasp its own destiny again; let them anger, and die of that anger. Already we are this new path: We have learned to gather the gifts of the land, using irrigation and agricultural planning to grow the rich pistachios and dates our soil so loves, and letting the good poor find means of providing for their families through this good work. We have expanded our intellect into the realms of deeper science - nanotechnology, pharmaceuticals, bio-engineering - and the future of these studies is ensured by our young children and the security of their educational aspirations. It has been only twenty-seven years since the revolution, yet not for 2500 years has Iran been so close to peace and independence!
Nuclear power is the next step: it is the great triumph that will release Iran from dependence on foreign powers, driving the economy to extend beyond the problems of inflation and dragging necessity of subsidies, providing cheaper and more efficient energy for homes, and creating jobs and opportunities for the advancement of the Iranian workers. Furthermore, the capacity for such technology will stand as a statement of our dominance and strength; no longer will any Western nation be able to see us as a lesser order, for we will have proven capable of entering the circle of their own scientific and military secrets. I am glad to hear of the U.N.’s scuffles and complaints, for I know Iran is safe from them - they could not dare intervene without the United States, especially in their already unbalanced state, and the United States is busy destroying our neighboring enemy. There will be no intervention - not for now, at least. We have been given a diplomatic hiatus in which to further our technological discoveries, and we will take every advantage afforded.
And you, wayward deity, I no longer know your place in Iran, except by the small glisten of hope in the eyes of the very young and very old I see inside the temples where you used to reside. Al-Hamdu li-llah. I will continue my works, in your name.
Ayatollah Khamenei, the Supreme Leader
And now, everyone, anyone who's reading this, you all now have an assignment, the completion of which will assist me in my effort to pass the ordeal known to mortals as "Senior Project". I've started a Yahoo message board in which I will kindly and helpfully answer questions and contribute to discussions based around the No Child Left Behind Act. Any dear, friendly soul who felt the need to post a question or comment for me there will probably move up at least eleven ranks on the list of "People Who Rock." I mean, don't you just sit up at late wondering, "Should I make my child take the state examinations, even though it doesn't do anything for their future career and/or college aspirations?" or "When exactly will schools in my district start to fail AYP?" ??? Well, let me tell you, salvation has arrived, in the form of...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nclbforum/
Yaaay! Yaaaaaay! Please, by anything you'll swear holy, postings of any sort will mean a massive deal for this Seniorness. I will love you forever, even for stupid questions you don't actually care about.
First, a letter from Ayatollah Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, to Allah. I promise it's 100% verifiable, except that I wrote it. Enjoy, if the Lord wills it so. Ma sha' Allah!
12 Rabi’ al-Awwal, 1427
(April 11, 2006)
Allah, Subhanahu wa Ta’ala:
The word has been spoken for your child, Iran: our uranium is enriched to 3.5%. President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad announced it today, and it will be seen on every cheap silicon-studded television set across the world. Iran is fast on its way to entering the ranks of the great scientific nations, those lands that have harnessed nuclear power: I hope the West chokes on the news. They thought they were entirely unmatched in the technological monopoly, but look what can be done by servants of faith!
This is for you, in all external senses possible, whatever you may really know of my mind. It is in your name that I will restore Iran to its ancient greatness; it is with your blessing on my hand that I will guide the construction of generators, and continue to support the research and discovery that will do so much to help the Iranian people. Iran will re-enter the world stage, we will bring back our great artists and writers and thinkers, we will end the unrest and division caused by minorities and Westerners, and then all the people of the world will know the truth and power of Shi’a and theocracy. Such is my method of predestination.
But you know all this, certainly. You are the omnipresent, everywhere and everything. I am merely a servant, scratching a letter that will be burned before any other eye sees it, on the surface of a blade of linear time. You’ve heard this all before. And yet, I have been elevated to Supreme Leadership, and therefore I dare speak that my pen has a small - how very small, but still present - authority. It is for that reason that I dare to speak to you in this manner, though I know it for the blasphemy it teeters on the edge of; I am fencing you into a physical, confined plot with every word I write, forcing you to listen, creating a stake to tie you down in space-time - I might as well be drawing a picture of you. You fashioned this pen, though, and this hand, and Ma sha’ Allah, you placed me here, the head of your people!
Strike me for this thought then, if there is a more capable Supreme Leader, or if you want one who would not pen this, but only think it to himself: in your infinite wisdom you have lost the reigns of authority. Where were you, I wonder, in 1941, when Mohammed Reza Pahlavi wrested power from his father? Was your hand on the side of the Allies, those Americans and British capitalists who put that puppet in place to feed their inappeasable oil industry? Were you still in ultimate charge, the days when that dictatorial Shah began executing the faithful among your own worshippers and clergy, the ones who saw the Western influence for the greed-saturated, immoral it truly was?
No, I know the reality of this story, the history of poor Persia. You abandoned us the day Muhammad died, the day you allowed Abu Bakr became the first caliph. That was the day when Islam should have learned that religion cannot rely on God, but must sit on the shoulders of men. There is no predestination in injustice, unless it be with an unjust Allah - and despite everything else I may say, I know that to not be true. There is perfect justice in your works - the unequalled beauty of your creation can testify that - but I worry that there is no longer the necessary power to bring about that justice.
I am a humble man, you know. I am not a great scholar - I should not have been named Supreme Leader, I lack the educational and religious rank that blessed Ayatollah Khomeini had. Yet I have been placed in his stead, and the weight of the continuance of the great Revolution is now my responsibility. Therefore, I stand before you, and I declare this: though your favor may have left the Iranians, though you may have chosen to subjugate your true followers to the powers of outside hypocritical majorities for the past 1400 years, and whatever you may continue to do with your divine authority, I will continue my programs for Iran’s salvation, including the aforementioned uranium enrichment.
I suppose that, to continue this to justice, I must admit a weakness here: it is that, despite all else, I love Iran. I love the stone courts of Persepolis, the rhythm and warm tone of the salat, the dark hair and bright eyes - it might even be possible that my love for Iran exceeds my love for you. I have said before that I am not a man of great faith (ah-to see the ashes of these pages in my hands!) I could worship you fully, as a follower should, if I believed that I could trust you. I could only trust you, though, after seeing the ancient history of Persia in the manner of a God who blesses his beloved children.
Iran! How loudly her suffering rings in my ears! I have seen the destruction that millennia of outside invasion has wrought on her head - the desecration of the holy places, the destitution of the poor and weak, the plunder of the very blood that once filled the rich veins of culture itself - and all at the hands of these foreign imperialists, the Mongols, the Russians, the British, the Americans: they who would tear our beating heart from our chest and offer us “modernization” in its stead! I say no more - let them watch Iran grasp its own destiny again; let them anger, and die of that anger. Already we are this new path: We have learned to gather the gifts of the land, using irrigation and agricultural planning to grow the rich pistachios and dates our soil so loves, and letting the good poor find means of providing for their families through this good work. We have expanded our intellect into the realms of deeper science - nanotechnology, pharmaceuticals, bio-engineering - and the future of these studies is ensured by our young children and the security of their educational aspirations. It has been only twenty-seven years since the revolution, yet not for 2500 years has Iran been so close to peace and independence!
Nuclear power is the next step: it is the great triumph that will release Iran from dependence on foreign powers, driving the economy to extend beyond the problems of inflation and dragging necessity of subsidies, providing cheaper and more efficient energy for homes, and creating jobs and opportunities for the advancement of the Iranian workers. Furthermore, the capacity for such technology will stand as a statement of our dominance and strength; no longer will any Western nation be able to see us as a lesser order, for we will have proven capable of entering the circle of their own scientific and military secrets. I am glad to hear of the U.N.’s scuffles and complaints, for I know Iran is safe from them - they could not dare intervene without the United States, especially in their already unbalanced state, and the United States is busy destroying our neighboring enemy. There will be no intervention - not for now, at least. We have been given a diplomatic hiatus in which to further our technological discoveries, and we will take every advantage afforded.
And you, wayward deity, I no longer know your place in Iran, except by the small glisten of hope in the eyes of the very young and very old I see inside the temples where you used to reside. Al-Hamdu li-llah. I will continue my works, in your name.
Ayatollah Khamenei, the Supreme Leader
And now, everyone, anyone who's reading this, you all now have an assignment, the completion of which will assist me in my effort to pass the ordeal known to mortals as "Senior Project". I've started a Yahoo message board in which I will kindly and helpfully answer questions and contribute to discussions based around the No Child Left Behind Act. Any dear, friendly soul who felt the need to post a question or comment for me there will probably move up at least eleven ranks on the list of "People Who Rock." I mean, don't you just sit up at late wondering, "Should I make my child take the state examinations, even though it doesn't do anything for their future career and/or college aspirations?" or "When exactly will schools in my district start to fail AYP?" ??? Well, let me tell you, salvation has arrived, in the form of...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nclbforum/
Yaaay! Yaaaaaay! Please, by anything you'll swear holy, postings of any sort will mean a massive deal for this Seniorness. I will love you forever, even for stupid questions you don't actually care about.