(no subject)
I feel like I'm going completely crazy. I know that everyone deals with grief differently. And that you can't predict how it will hit you. But I thought that this year's holiday season wouldn't be so bad. I couldn't have been more wrong or unprepared. It's harder than last year. By a lot. And last year was so bad there aren't words for how terrible some of that was.
The worst part is that it's completely unavoidable. I don't know what I did last year. Maybe it was easier not being home. Maybe it was that I just was so numb a lot of the time I could ignore it better. But whatever tougher skin I'd developed over time isn't around anymore. Whatever way I had of trying to cope doesn't work right now. I just feel like I don't have any skin and all my nerves are exposed. I feel raw. I feel like anything and everything will make me cry or set me off. And it's everywhere. ALL THE TIME. The radio, tv, every single establishment (you can't go in a store without being bombarded with decorations, music, gifts to give...), grocery stores, church, literally everywhere there's lights and wreaths and trees and snow globes and silver bells and fucking inflatables. I've cried at the hardware store, grocery store, and in the car within the past two weeks. And it's not even December yet! What the fuck am I going to do? I can't NOT go get groceries! I can't NOT drive places! I can't close my eyes to it or shut my ears and I feel like I might truly go mad. There isn't any peace or acceptance or ambivalence. It's just painful and sad and hard. There isn't anywhere to get away from it all. I am not jolly, merry, happy, or filled with any holiday spirit. I don't want to be Scrooge, the Grinch, or a curmudgeon. But I can't do this. I can't.
The worst part is that it's completely unavoidable. I don't know what I did last year. Maybe it was easier not being home. Maybe it was that I just was so numb a lot of the time I could ignore it better. But whatever tougher skin I'd developed over time isn't around anymore. Whatever way I had of trying to cope doesn't work right now. I just feel like I don't have any skin and all my nerves are exposed. I feel raw. I feel like anything and everything will make me cry or set me off. And it's everywhere. ALL THE TIME. The radio, tv, every single establishment (you can't go in a store without being bombarded with decorations, music, gifts to give...), grocery stores, church, literally everywhere there's lights and wreaths and trees and snow globes and silver bells and fucking inflatables. I've cried at the hardware store, grocery store, and in the car within the past two weeks. And it's not even December yet! What the fuck am I going to do? I can't NOT go get groceries! I can't NOT drive places! I can't close my eyes to it or shut my ears and I feel like I might truly go mad. There isn't any peace or acceptance or ambivalence. It's just painful and sad and hard. There isn't anywhere to get away from it all. I am not jolly, merry, happy, or filled with any holiday spirit. I don't want to be Scrooge, the Grinch, or a curmudgeon. But I can't do this. I can't.