B-b-b-b-borredd
Unemployment has certainly been a step up from the self-destructive quicksand vortex of the thrift shop, giving me time to pull myself out of the rut I'd been locked into for the past half-year and getting my head back in the game. I'm still doing class all day Tuesdays and Thursdays, with most every other day open for resume buildin' and the continuing struggle to pay freaking attention. Superhuman, really, is my ability to procrastinate on absolutely every matter -- I've long hoped that I had ADD hard enough to legitimately finagle an Adderol perscription, as that would essentially solve most, if not all, of my problems at the moment. Granted, this is the same drug that saw James and Eric veer off into thier own little spirals of dependence and frenzied collapse, but I get the feeling that if I used it in the doses you were supposed to, spaced far enough apart on every-other-day rotations, this'd probably work out pretty well. In the meantime, I've discovered coffee, caffinated tea, and *ahem* "Jolt energy mints", which I'm told is a small step down from out-and-out diet pills. Liquids tend to be better simply for the ability to sip 'em, taking in small, spaced portions and avoiding that hyper-excited state of not-doing-any-one-thing-particularly-well before moving to something different.
I really shouldn't need to hop myself up on caffinee and stimulants to get motivated, but the sad truth is, I don't really seem to have a desire to do much of anything. I realize I should, and I probably will, given time, but everything I've tried in order to mentally get jazzed for writing has not really worked all that well -- above all else, it hasn't been fucking fun since those wacky little Mayor articles I churned out a while back, and even those didn't come out quite like I wanted. It was just, well, enjoyable to write. 10 Cent Schematics launched yesterday, and despite the entire point of the site, to keep me writing, I can't seem to bring myself to stay interested long enough to start anything, much less WANT to write anything. I'm sure I will in time, and I'm glad I left it so open, I'm just not feeling the excitement and anticipation I thought I might. This isn't exactly helped along by a household that, while pleasent, is bored enough to completely tear apart any new project or piece of art for sheer conversational value; obviously I shouldn't let other people's judgements impact me apart from a critical sense, but I've always hated, and will continue to hate, the kind of incincere shit-talking that goes on when people just run out of topics of conversation. I realize it's the cornerstone to all humor and meriment and all that, and that without it, we're a bit limited on fun subjects to toss around, but I just find myself disappointed when folks take such a lazy route to bonding and self-elevation. There are slightly less retarded ways of going about it.
There's no denying we have been bored, though. The shenannagans of Halloween and the season behind us, it's becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy each other's company in such a drought of shit to do. Alcohol helps, certainly, I've found one or two shots of whiskey's about all I need to start feeling that perfect level of buzzed and active, but that's been clashing with Jorge's supposed AA meetings, which I imagine he's required by law to attend for the time being, and I have far too little in common with the kid to enjoy hanging out with him sober. Partially becuase I don't trust him, partially becuase there only seems to be this surface level of frat kid bravado to him that doesn't seem to really go anywhere. Z's always a fun time, possibly the most consistantly so of anyone I've hung out with recently, but it's difficult to tell when he's up for it and when you're intruding, so I let him come to me most of the time. Though I don't really remember how great it actually was, and therefore, must conclude that it wasn't all that great, Josh and I's drunken Bionic Commando was probably the first genuinely good time I've had with the guy in forever; the video game and alcohol combo seems to work pretty damn well when you're both decent at the game. I really would like to make gaming more of a social event in the house, but it never seems appropriate, and this isn't exactly the best crowd for it either - far too reserved and careful to make it all that great. Obviously drinking's a temporary solution, but it's way better than nothing, at the moment. This might've been the rationale that ended up Ben as much of a drinker he is.
I've been tossing around the idea of getting back to writing stories again, fiction, on my Virb page, but the feeling hasn't exactly struck me yet. Think I need to find some inspiration first. TIME WILL TELL.
I really shouldn't need to hop myself up on caffinee and stimulants to get motivated, but the sad truth is, I don't really seem to have a desire to do much of anything. I realize I should, and I probably will, given time, but everything I've tried in order to mentally get jazzed for writing has not really worked all that well -- above all else, it hasn't been fucking fun since those wacky little Mayor articles I churned out a while back, and even those didn't come out quite like I wanted. It was just, well, enjoyable to write. 10 Cent Schematics launched yesterday, and despite the entire point of the site, to keep me writing, I can't seem to bring myself to stay interested long enough to start anything, much less WANT to write anything. I'm sure I will in time, and I'm glad I left it so open, I'm just not feeling the excitement and anticipation I thought I might. This isn't exactly helped along by a household that, while pleasent, is bored enough to completely tear apart any new project or piece of art for sheer conversational value; obviously I shouldn't let other people's judgements impact me apart from a critical sense, but I've always hated, and will continue to hate, the kind of incincere shit-talking that goes on when people just run out of topics of conversation. I realize it's the cornerstone to all humor and meriment and all that, and that without it, we're a bit limited on fun subjects to toss around, but I just find myself disappointed when folks take such a lazy route to bonding and self-elevation. There are slightly less retarded ways of going about it.
There's no denying we have been bored, though. The shenannagans of Halloween and the season behind us, it's becoming increasingly difficult to enjoy each other's company in such a drought of shit to do. Alcohol helps, certainly, I've found one or two shots of whiskey's about all I need to start feeling that perfect level of buzzed and active, but that's been clashing with Jorge's supposed AA meetings, which I imagine he's required by law to attend for the time being, and I have far too little in common with the kid to enjoy hanging out with him sober. Partially becuase I don't trust him, partially becuase there only seems to be this surface level of frat kid bravado to him that doesn't seem to really go anywhere. Z's always a fun time, possibly the most consistantly so of anyone I've hung out with recently, but it's difficult to tell when he's up for it and when you're intruding, so I let him come to me most of the time. Though I don't really remember how great it actually was, and therefore, must conclude that it wasn't all that great, Josh and I's drunken Bionic Commando was probably the first genuinely good time I've had with the guy in forever; the video game and alcohol combo seems to work pretty damn well when you're both decent at the game. I really would like to make gaming more of a social event in the house, but it never seems appropriate, and this isn't exactly the best crowd for it either - far too reserved and careful to make it all that great. Obviously drinking's a temporary solution, but it's way better than nothing, at the moment. This might've been the rationale that ended up Ben as much of a drinker he is.
I've been tossing around the idea of getting back to writing stories again, fiction, on my Virb page, but the feeling hasn't exactly struck me yet. Think I need to find some inspiration first. TIME WILL TELL.