(no subject)
I really really really really really need a hug. Talking to someone else about trying to fix a relationship when the best one you know youll ever have just fell apart when you poured everything you had into trying to fix it really makes you realize how much that person meant to you, and how much they still mean. Im not gonna lie I'm crying a little bit right now. I really loved her, she really was the one I dont know how I know I just do. I dont even know if I can fight to get her back anymore. I cant right now, and Im not sure If I ever can. I dont know if I can believe anything anyone has ever said to me. I dont know whats real. I dont know what means something. I dont know whats worth fighting for. I dont know what to do. I want to fight but I cant even bringmyself to letalone make it worth a crap. Im so torn up. I love her. Shes the last thing I see before I go to sleep, the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I see her in all the mundane everyday things I do. The way it feels to embrace her haunts me. Ive woken up from dreams and been hugging air dreaming it was her. this hurts so much. I'm gonna be ok but I dont know if I can ever bethe same again. I dont know If I can ever trust anyone again. I need to hold her.I need to feel her touch and smell her hair and know that everything is going to be ok again. How the hell after all the shit ive learned about people lying and fucking you over Id be smart enough not to do this. But she was worth it to me. Now I just hurt like hell, but thinking back to it, I wouldnt change a damn thing about the last 3 years because I was never as happy as I was with her. I would change whats happening now in an instant, no lie there. I have pleaded and told her so many damn times that I love her and that I cant take this and that I would do absolutely anything to make this different. Ive opened myself up and put it on the line. Ive openliy said that I love her and I am willing to just lay it on the line right fucking now and I will do absolutely anything to be with her. I'm not even interested in anyone else. I have said that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work out because without her, obviously, I am a mess. I have said that what we had was not something you find very often. Maybe not more than once. With everything fucked up in this world, youd think that love like this would be worth more and be worth fighting for and holding on to. I was so sure it was. I still am. I dont even know what to say anymore Im so dead inside. I want to just hold her. I feel empty. I cant take trying to explain what happened. I want to drop dead when anyone mentions it. I dont know what to do anymore..... so much for my great day.....