(no subject)
I'm thinking this may be a good time to update- after all, it's been a really rough weekend, and though I've told plenty of friends and family, it seems to still help to let it out.
Friday night I woke up to my phone ringing around 1:30 in the morning- it was my dad. I don't remember waking up or answering the phone, but I do remember my dad being on the other end, and the first thing I could comprehend was that my uncle Gary died in a car accident. He went on to tell me how he'd been to the hospital with my aunt Vicky (his wife) to identify him, and was now on his way up north to Tawas to tell my grandma in person. Thinking back on it now, it seemed so much like a dream- like none of it actually happened. My mind went blank and all that was coming out of my mouth was "I love you," over and over again. I hung up the phone and almost instantly it all hit me... I seriously couldn't believe it.
The following day (Saturday) I went to Lansing with my mom to go dress shopping. I couldn't bring myself to tell her about it before we went, so I kept it to myself. When we got back, I called my dad and told him I was coming over, and found out that my cousins, Nate and Robert, were over there. I can't describe how terrified I was of going over there... what is there to say to a 14 and 5 yr old who just lost their dad??
I now believe going over there was the best thing for me. Of course everyone was sad, but being with them must've taken away the anxiety I felt for how things would be when I saw them. I began to feel a little better, but after taking them home that night, and talking to my dad in the car, it hit me again and again that this is reality- and it's not a good situation.
Today, I went with my dad to pick the flower arrangements out for the funeral. I really hope that I did a good job- my uncle was anything BUT girly, and so I thought the flowers should reflect that. We also went to the towing service place to see his car, and then to the place where the accident happened. I don't know what to think of all that yet... they're all just more pieces to the puzzle that are simply lying around.
Every time I think about him, it all hits me- like a jolt- I can feel it. He's actually gone- the friend, grandson, son, father, husband, uncle and brother he was- and he's not coming back. It makes me feel that all of the other things in my life that have been going on lately are so petty. I thought writing this would make me feel better, but I instead it's just making me sick and upset. Maybe it will benefit me having all this written down? I don't know.
Something happened yesterday on the way back from Lansing. My mom was driving and the car in front of us was stopped and ready to turn, but didn't have it's blinker on. I don't know exactly how it happened because I wasn't paying attention, but we almost rear ended the person. My mom slammed on the brakes, we made a good 20 feet of skid marks, and the tires were smoking. For some reason, it didn't even phase me. Compared to the rest of the day when I'd cringe coming within 15 ft of a car on the highway, it was a completely different reaction. My mom continued driving, though she was obviously shaken up, and the next street sign I saw was for a street called Gary Rd. I don't know what to make of this, but I know it means something.
Tomorrow is the showing, Tuesday the funeral. It's going to be a tough couple of days, and no doubt the days following will still be hard. I know I bitch about my family and the things they do sometimes, but really, I thank god I have the people in my life that I do. I don't know what my entire family would do without my dad right now. He's literally holding everyone together, and now he's trying to be a father and a friend to the boys. There's no better person that they could have in their lives, and there's no better dad than the one I've got.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who's been here for me this weekend. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!