its not what you will say, it's what you've done
Let us recount this day. I hung out with Alexis and did errands. It was the first time we've ever hung out by ourselves and I'm admitting it was slightly awkward, but I had fun. We watched Moulin Rouge. I'll always love that movie. Last summer Kymmie and I watched it almost every day and it was nice watching it today. It's so sad but I love it. After that I got kymmie and Lauren Toner came over. I hadn't hung out with Lauren in about a year but it was really good and I'm looking forward to hanging out with her more. We used to be really close friends and I think we can get that back. She seems different and I like it. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Aarika Price :] I'm excited! We haven't hung out in a few months. Kymmie Lauren and I made a BEAUTIFUL chocolate cake and watched one of the most boring movies I've EVER sat through. I can't even remember what it's called and I'm not even going to try. It's way too painful. Anyway, yesterday I had a convorsation with someone I don't even know online about a million different topics. It was the first intelligent convorsation of my year and it encourages me that I do actually have intelligent thoughts once in a while. Normally there's just no one who wants to go deep enough to discuss them with me. If there is someone I always hold back because I know them, and I don't know why that is. You see I've been thinking that it doesn't matter who you want to be because people only see who you are. If you're having trouble with trying to show who you want to be, if you want to put your best foot forward into the world then you have to take a step back and leap. Honestly I've always listened to that analogy and I don't think I ever really grasped it. They say jump off the cliff and hope to God you grow wings. Well, If you don't instantly grow wings (you won't) then it takes a few times to fall off that cliff to learn how to grow wings. THAT'S the sucky part because being a teenager is the part where you're throwing yourself off the cliff. I can feel myself trying to really show who I am more though. I really see how terribly I've fallen into this fasad(sp?) of myself. People shape how I think, how I feel, how I act, they shape everything and it shouldn't be because what's the point in that. This life is mine and I only want to live it like me. This is such a hard thing to act out though because it's not like you don't care what other people think, what your friends think, what anyone thinks. I don't care what you say, a person always cares what at least one person thinks because the world is about relationships with people. Honestly sometimes I wish that wasn't true, sometimes I really really wish I could stop caring, but that's not who I am. And the more I realize that the way I act and some of the things I say aren't who I am the more I see flaws. The more I want to change my outside actions to be what I mean. The thing is it's hard to change. I mean, I used to feel empty. I used to feel completly worthless, and sometimes I still do but God changes that.
from across the room
he filled her up
needing, wanting, pleading
eyes, reading
he knew he had power
she knew he'd deny it
she crawls at his feet
he steps on her hands
she grasps to hold on,
no matter how much
she is needing, wanting pleading.
he is denying, playing, ruining
her mind consumed
impossibilities possible
he's killed her soul
and he's blamed it on her
young and naive, shes fallen
just like man, shes fallen
from across the room
he filled her up
needing, wanting, pleading
eyes, reading
he knew he had power
she knew he'd deny it
she crawls at his feet
he steps on her hands
she grasps to hold on,
no matter how much
she is needing, wanting pleading.
he is denying, playing, ruining
her mind consumed
impossibilities possible
he's killed her soul
and he's blamed it on her
young and naive, shes fallen
just like man, shes fallen