Politics, sport and (mostly imagined) international intrigue
An open plea for help . . .
So this summer, soccer in Europe erupts again with the once-every-four fours European Championships. Basically, it's a World Cup but only for Europe. (Before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, all the various soccer confederations do something similar. In fact, Africa's version is going on right now.) To the European teams, it's only slightly less prestigious than the World Cup itself. However, unlike the World Cup (which only seven teams have ever won and usually only three or four have any real chance), the Euros are much more wide open. Far flung nations like Denmark and Greece have won it and the Soviet Union actually came close once upon a time. The upcoming tournament is pretty wide open with almost every team having a believable shot at winning except one.
I love watching it for a million reasons, not the least of which is that the European teams all tend to have team personalities that tend to remain intact over very long periods of time. To the uninitiated, some of the stereotypes would be obvious (Germany) and some would are less so (Italy).
So what does all this have to do with you? I need help picking a team. From you all. Because you're unbiased and generally ignore soccer. And with a few exceptions, you're all from the US, a nation of immigrants. So, please, if you would, read on . . .
The qualification process is over, but the friendly games start soon in anticipation of the tournament which takes place this summer.
For obvious reasons, I would have fervently supported England, but in spectacular and epic fashion, they crashed out on the last day of qualification. I rather like the English national team and always have. They don't always play the most free-flowing style, but my god, they always leave it all on the field AND (this is the big one) they don't flop like they've been shot by a sniper at the slightest brush of physical contact with an opponent. To say this makes me nutty is to say that Garfield likes himself a bit of lasagna. I HATE diving. There are some teams and players known for it more than others, but rarely will you see an English player rolling around on the ground pro wrestling-style because someone's index finger touched his shoulder. Yeah, anyway, the English didn't qualify because they choked multiple opportunities away.
I would have also rooted for Scotland. They play a bit like England although historically they're much less successful. And to be brutally honest, a bit more (ahem) physical. Sadly, the Scots also choked in qualification against Italy, so they will also be watching Euro '08 on the tube.
And finally, it goes without saying that I would have rooted for Finland and for the first time ever, the Finns had a good qualification campaign, but just fell a little short. No shame in that - they played well.
Other teams that I would have considered rooting for, but cannot because they didn't qualify: Ireland and Hungary. The former because they're also a bunch of tough as nails guys who leave it out on the field and the latter because they were my dad's favorite team to follow. (They were very, very good in the 50s.)
Who does that leave? In no particular order:
Switzerland
Czech Republic
Portugal
Turkey
Austria
Croatia
Germany
Poland
Romania
France
Netherlands
Italy
Greece
Spain
Sweden
Russia
The first order of business is to weed out the teams that for one reason or another, there's no chance I'll be supporting. Then the ones with obvious drawbacks. Leaving us a field of contenders from which to choose.
Nope.
Germany, Italy, Croatia, Austria, Portugal
First, the easy one. I won't be rooting for Austria mainly because they suck. As co-hosts of the tournament along with Switzerland, they automatically qualified, but they are simply not a good team. Don't mind rooting for a long shot, but honestly, why them? They play boring, defensive soccer. Zzzzzzz.
Italy. Can't stand Italy's national team. This is not to say they're no good, because they are - multiple World Cup wins, including the most recent, a few Euro wins and since the 70s the Italians have had precisely one formula for winning games - pack the defensive end with defenders (and admittedly they tend to have the best defenders) and midfielders, wait for your opponent to leave themselves open, score a goal and then really, really pack the defensive end with so many players that the opponent can't even see the goal, let alone shoot the ball. They're also a team of cheaters, whiners and floppers. They practically invented the art of diving because their forwards generally suck. Monty Python has a great sketch about the "limpid tentacles of a packed Mediterranean defense" and it's Italy they were referring to. Also they tied the US on their way to winning the whole thing in 2006 in what was one of the dirtiest, most cynical games I've ever seen. Also, I hate their goalkeeper because he's criminally overrated, but because he's Italian and a good-looking fellow, gets a free pass on his faults both on and off the field.
Portugal. Once upon a time, I didn't mind them, but now they have about twenty players that I can't stand. Start with Cristiano Ronaldo. Arguably one of the four or five best players in the world. Sadly, he's also a bit of a dandy, a whiner, a flopper, a diver and all-around dick. He also plays for Manchester United in the English Premiere League. If there's a professional sports team out there that I like less than Man U, I don't know what it is. They're like the Yankees of soccer over there. Speaking of which, he memorably tattled on his equally loathsome Man U teammate, Wayne Rooney, in World Cup 2006 after Rooney had stomped a guy in the nuts, got Rooney ejected because the ref hadn't seen everything and then was caught by a TV camera winking at his bench. Ugh. Anyway, in the 2002 World Cup, the US unexpectedly beat Portugal in their opener and rather than simply admit the US was a decently skilled team who had a brilliant game plan, the Portuguese all blamed it on the referee and luck. Whatever. I wouldn't root for them if my life depended on it. And, before I forget, they have godawful uniforms - a maroon shirt with gold trim and bright green shorts.
Croatia. A decent team. Finished third in World Cup '98. A bunch of young players who play a free-flowing and fun style. Leaving aside that I'm still a little pissed over a grade on a paper on Tito that I did in undergrad, I still can't really root for them. Why? They were the team that flushed out England on the last day of qualification (very exciting game, by the way). And England drew them for the 2010 World Cup qualifying rounds. Did I mention that deridere is English? Yeah, okay, let's just move along . . .
Germany. Historically one of the best teams in the world. Won the World Cup four times, have been in another three or four finals and as of late, play a pretty fun brand of soccer to watch. That's the good. The bad? They beat the US in the quarterfinals of the ’02 World Cup in a game that, believe it or not, the US outplayed them in AND only beat them because one of their defenders handled a Landon Donovan shot on the goal line. Also, they have a history (with one small exception and one HUGE exception) of almost always beating England. Also, they were suffering from a dearth of attackers, so they went out and convinced two Polish strikers to become German citizens. (Citizenship rules, players becoming citizens of other countries on a fast-track so they may play for the national teams and the like for international soccer are one of those ugly little secrets that isn't often discussed in polite company. For example, one of Croatia's best players is a striker named Eduardo da Silva. You're not alone if you think his name doesn't sound very Croatian. That's because he was born and raised in Brazil, wasn't good enough to play for their team, so become a Croatian citizen.) Anyway, despite the fact one of my favorite players is German, there is yet one more huge reason I will not be rooting for Germany. It's because they're German and the English relentlessly (and I really do mean relentlessly) lampoon them. Just read a book about the '06 World Cup (held in Germany) and the author recounts a group of England fans showing up at an event "snazzily dressed in German World War I helmets". The guys on the podcast I listen to have this sound bite that plays every time they mention a German player that just kills me. ("Ja, ja, it's good!' in a very excited German voice.) There's a famous line from the English about how it's okay that they always lose to German in their national sport because they always beat Germany in theirs. (Although in fairness, England beat them in 1966 in the final to win England its sole World Cup title. Anyway, this leads to a famous chant that English crowds invoke when German teams visit which goes something along the lines of "One World Cup and two world wars! One World Cup and two world wars!" Now imagine 72,000 lagered-up English singing this in unison. Pretty funny, no?) All this abuse rather exasperates the Germans, who, surprise-surprise, don't get what's so funny. It's not that it offends them (although it might some) it's just that they don't get it. Anyway, I can't bring myself to even consider being on the receiving end of this because it totally makes me laugh. God, I love English humor. So, no Germany . . .
Part II to follow . . .
So this summer, soccer in Europe erupts again with the once-every-four fours European Championships. Basically, it's a World Cup but only for Europe. (Before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, all the various soccer confederations do something similar. In fact, Africa's version is going on right now.) To the European teams, it's only slightly less prestigious than the World Cup itself. However, unlike the World Cup (which only seven teams have ever won and usually only three or four have any real chance), the Euros are much more wide open. Far flung nations like Denmark and Greece have won it and the Soviet Union actually came close once upon a time. The upcoming tournament is pretty wide open with almost every team having a believable shot at winning except one.
I love watching it for a million reasons, not the least of which is that the European teams all tend to have team personalities that tend to remain intact over very long periods of time. To the uninitiated, some of the stereotypes would be obvious (Germany) and some would are less so (Italy).
So what does all this have to do with you? I need help picking a team. From you all. Because you're unbiased and generally ignore soccer. And with a few exceptions, you're all from the US, a nation of immigrants. So, please, if you would, read on . . .
The qualification process is over, but the friendly games start soon in anticipation of the tournament which takes place this summer.
For obvious reasons, I would have fervently supported England, but in spectacular and epic fashion, they crashed out on the last day of qualification. I rather like the English national team and always have. They don't always play the most free-flowing style, but my god, they always leave it all on the field AND (this is the big one) they don't flop like they've been shot by a sniper at the slightest brush of physical contact with an opponent. To say this makes me nutty is to say that Garfield likes himself a bit of lasagna. I HATE diving. There are some teams and players known for it more than others, but rarely will you see an English player rolling around on the ground pro wrestling-style because someone's index finger touched his shoulder. Yeah, anyway, the English didn't qualify because they choked multiple opportunities away.
I would have also rooted for Scotland. They play a bit like England although historically they're much less successful. And to be brutally honest, a bit more (ahem) physical. Sadly, the Scots also choked in qualification against Italy, so they will also be watching Euro '08 on the tube.
And finally, it goes without saying that I would have rooted for Finland and for the first time ever, the Finns had a good qualification campaign, but just fell a little short. No shame in that - they played well.
Other teams that I would have considered rooting for, but cannot because they didn't qualify: Ireland and Hungary. The former because they're also a bunch of tough as nails guys who leave it out on the field and the latter because they were my dad's favorite team to follow. (They were very, very good in the 50s.)
Who does that leave? In no particular order:
Switzerland
Czech Republic
Portugal
Turkey
Austria
Croatia
Germany
Poland
Romania
France
Netherlands
Italy
Greece
Spain
Sweden
Russia
The first order of business is to weed out the teams that for one reason or another, there's no chance I'll be supporting. Then the ones with obvious drawbacks. Leaving us a field of contenders from which to choose.
Nope.
Germany, Italy, Croatia, Austria, Portugal
First, the easy one. I won't be rooting for Austria mainly because they suck. As co-hosts of the tournament along with Switzerland, they automatically qualified, but they are simply not a good team. Don't mind rooting for a long shot, but honestly, why them? They play boring, defensive soccer. Zzzzzzz.
Italy. Can't stand Italy's national team. This is not to say they're no good, because they are - multiple World Cup wins, including the most recent, a few Euro wins and since the 70s the Italians have had precisely one formula for winning games - pack the defensive end with defenders (and admittedly they tend to have the best defenders) and midfielders, wait for your opponent to leave themselves open, score a goal and then really, really pack the defensive end with so many players that the opponent can't even see the goal, let alone shoot the ball. They're also a team of cheaters, whiners and floppers. They practically invented the art of diving because their forwards generally suck. Monty Python has a great sketch about the "limpid tentacles of a packed Mediterranean defense" and it's Italy they were referring to. Also they tied the US on their way to winning the whole thing in 2006 in what was one of the dirtiest, most cynical games I've ever seen. Also, I hate their goalkeeper because he's criminally overrated, but because he's Italian and a good-looking fellow, gets a free pass on his faults both on and off the field.
Portugal. Once upon a time, I didn't mind them, but now they have about twenty players that I can't stand. Start with Cristiano Ronaldo. Arguably one of the four or five best players in the world. Sadly, he's also a bit of a dandy, a whiner, a flopper, a diver and all-around dick. He also plays for Manchester United in the English Premiere League. If there's a professional sports team out there that I like less than Man U, I don't know what it is. They're like the Yankees of soccer over there. Speaking of which, he memorably tattled on his equally loathsome Man U teammate, Wayne Rooney, in World Cup 2006 after Rooney had stomped a guy in the nuts, got Rooney ejected because the ref hadn't seen everything and then was caught by a TV camera winking at his bench. Ugh. Anyway, in the 2002 World Cup, the US unexpectedly beat Portugal in their opener and rather than simply admit the US was a decently skilled team who had a brilliant game plan, the Portuguese all blamed it on the referee and luck. Whatever. I wouldn't root for them if my life depended on it. And, before I forget, they have godawful uniforms - a maroon shirt with gold trim and bright green shorts.
Croatia. A decent team. Finished third in World Cup '98. A bunch of young players who play a free-flowing and fun style. Leaving aside that I'm still a little pissed over a grade on a paper on Tito that I did in undergrad, I still can't really root for them. Why? They were the team that flushed out England on the last day of qualification (very exciting game, by the way). And England drew them for the 2010 World Cup qualifying rounds. Did I mention that deridere is English? Yeah, okay, let's just move along . . .
Germany. Historically one of the best teams in the world. Won the World Cup four times, have been in another three or four finals and as of late, play a pretty fun brand of soccer to watch. That's the good. The bad? They beat the US in the quarterfinals of the ’02 World Cup in a game that, believe it or not, the US outplayed them in AND only beat them because one of their defenders handled a Landon Donovan shot on the goal line. Also, they have a history (with one small exception and one HUGE exception) of almost always beating England. Also, they were suffering from a dearth of attackers, so they went out and convinced two Polish strikers to become German citizens. (Citizenship rules, players becoming citizens of other countries on a fast-track so they may play for the national teams and the like for international soccer are one of those ugly little secrets that isn't often discussed in polite company. For example, one of Croatia's best players is a striker named Eduardo da Silva. You're not alone if you think his name doesn't sound very Croatian. That's because he was born and raised in Brazil, wasn't good enough to play for their team, so become a Croatian citizen.) Anyway, despite the fact one of my favorite players is German, there is yet one more huge reason I will not be rooting for Germany. It's because they're German and the English relentlessly (and I really do mean relentlessly) lampoon them. Just read a book about the '06 World Cup (held in Germany) and the author recounts a group of England fans showing up at an event "snazzily dressed in German World War I helmets". The guys on the podcast I listen to have this sound bite that plays every time they mention a German player that just kills me. ("Ja, ja, it's good!' in a very excited German voice.) There's a famous line from the English about how it's okay that they always lose to German in their national sport because they always beat Germany in theirs. (Although in fairness, England beat them in 1966 in the final to win England its sole World Cup title. Anyway, this leads to a famous chant that English crowds invoke when German teams visit which goes something along the lines of "One World Cup and two world wars! One World Cup and two world wars!" Now imagine 72,000 lagered-up English singing this in unison. Pretty funny, no?) All this abuse rather exasperates the Germans, who, surprise-surprise, don't get what's so funny. It's not that it offends them (although it might some) it's just that they don't get it. Anyway, I can't bring myself to even consider being on the receiving end of this because it totally makes me laugh. God, I love English humor. So, no Germany . . .
Part II to follow . . .