A Hand to Hold [6/7] [Sabrina, 1954]
A Hand to Hold
Chapter 6: A Foolish Wish
More than anything, Linus feared waking up alone. And so strange that he feared it. His entire life had been spent alone. He had never anticipated a partner in life, so he had believed he was destined to awaken alone every day of his life. The thought had been comforting, disarming a terrifying reality before it could destroy him with the sadness. Except that now, he hated it. He opened his eyes to early afternoon light, a quiet room, and a slight weight in his arms.
She is still here. The realization was unbelievable and relieving. But...what to do, what to say? What was the response to waking up to a beautiful woman at one's side? Joy, curiosity, confusion? Certainly, Linus had that last one pounding through his body. Not how she had come to be here, but why? He had considered it before, why she would choose him, cling to him when so many others would enthusiastically accept her. Oh, he understood why she might have done so at first, but not after that. Nothing had commanded her to embrace him on the boat, to remain with him now, to seek out what remained of his presence in his absence.
But Linus would not complain. He rubbed his fingers along her shoulder, and her face, pressed to his chest, moved. Her eyes opened, as mysterious as dark, and she grinned a bit, like nothing was amiss. "What are you smiling about?" he asked. His voice was hoarse by virtue of the flight and doing...nearly nothing before dropping into his bed, and Linus wanted water almost more than anything else.
Almost.
"Because you're here." And for the moment, it was enough. Just a short while ago, all this emotion was foreign and this situation, only conceivable as embarrassing. Now, this was where he wanted-needed-to be.
"So are you," he whispered.
One of her hands rose, pulling his fingers into her grasp. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know." He had no answer, just that continuing fear, and he did not fight her hold.
And she laughed lightly. "Then don't worry about it, I'm right here."
All fear, all caution was gone, and he just kissed her again. Linus intended it for only a moment, but recklessness overwhelmed him and he pulled her even closer. God, he couldn't lose her now, not if she wanted to stay.
His entire body was tightening, senses awakening, growing. Perhaps more than anything, it was the feel of her body, what he touched and what he imagined he did. When their lips parted, he heard Sabrina gasp for breath, but she had not pulled away. What was their future? This moment, this room, all these quiet afternoons, they demanded a future; together or apart, the question required an answer.
Linus certainly knew what he desired, what he hoped she desired, but he had to hear her words. "Sabrina," he managed, "I need to ask-something." Or, he had two things to beg for her to answer, but the second question depended on the first.
He did not hear, but felt the warm breath on his face, then another drawn in. And so close, he saw her nod before he spoke. "I need to ask-your forgiveness."
Her face was hurt as she frowned, and her hand fell limp around his. "Linus, you know you have it-"
"I need to know I'm not imagining it." Could dreams and wishes prevent a man from seeing the world as it really was? It was a fear beyond all the others.
Sabrina pressed a kiss to his forehead, and now Linus felt as though he were the one in need of protection, lost in his desperation. "Of course," she whispered. "I forgave you long ago." How strange, again: she was certain, he was not.
His arms clutched her even closer, and though the blankets and sheets remained between them, he still felt her chest, rising and falling in an ever hastening rhythm. An enormous weight vanished from his own, and Linus felt almost...free. The past had disappeared, and the worst of it had never existed at all. "Then let me ask you one more thing." The words were low, and he hardly heard them himself, feeling them deep in his throat instead.
"Yes?" Her eyes were worried, and it nearly broke him.
"And don't just answer. I need to know," he said, almost stumbling over the words, his only desire now to rid her of whatever concern had sprouted in her mind.
"Yes, Linus." But he saw trust in her face as well, replacing the concern, and it was more searing to realize. He had once broken that trust and faith only to be given both once more. Never again, he would never again squander it. One chance, one attempt, it was all his heart was ready for.
"Marry me, Sabrina." Again Linus kissed her, long before she could answer. More than he had feared waking up to find her gone, he feared her answer, its possibilities. This moment, he never wanted it to end: never again waking to an empty bed, always having a hand to hold, a beautiful face and a young heart to lift his own, a woman he loved to call his wife.
And for once, she drew away, nothing clear in her surprised expression. "What?"
He couldn't consider the fear, the possibility of an answer. "Please, Sabrina...you heard what I said." He couldn't ask again, the words were not forming in his mouth.
"I-" Her face was paler than usual. "I would need to tell-"
"Your father?" He was the only obvious person, and it was a perfectly sensible thing. After all, she had been raised by a rather old-fashioned man who had not denied the label snob. If she had not voiced that need, its lack would have been the shock.
Another nod. "Of course, Linus-"
The wait was too sharp to even let her finish. If he refused to hear what she said, did it ever come into existence at all? "And what will you tell him, Sabrina?" He slipped his fingers from her warm hand, just touching the crumpled hair around her face, now guiding the tip of one finger along her cheek, her jaw. "That someone wants to make you happy?"
She shook her head, now, tugging her face from his touch. "I-I don't know what I will tell him."
He loosened his arm, releasing the pressure of her body against his, and emptiness overwhelmed. Or loneliness. Was it possible to be alone again when you had never not been alone before? "Then what will you tell yourself?"
Somehow, she smiled. "Is that what you're worried about?" And a bit of a laugh. "I know my answer, and what I will tell you."
"And what is that?" One word, one phrase, it was the catalyst, the agent to begin or end his next breath.
"You know what it is." In one slow, quiet movement, she kissed him again, gently. "Yes." Linus's heart beat again as Sabrina continued, still wearing her small grin. "Of course. Certainly. However you want to say it."
He thought he might break her in half with how hard he clutched her now, tighter than ever before. Sabrina still laughed, and Linus felt it in his chest before it caught him as well and he kissed her through it, for once quickly, then again and again. "Oh, Sabrina..." he whispered.
God, was it all just another dream, a moment from which he would awaken to find himself as he had always been? All his life, he had been the icy businessman without a care in the world because care required a heart, all those emotions he had ignored for so long. The certainty with which he had conducted himself in one deal after another, it had been the same by which he ran his own life, and now it was gone. He had jumped over the ledge, and now fell through whistling air not toward pavement and death but into the unknown and an unimaginable future he already embraced.
Now her fingers danced around his features, over his nose and the small scar above his lip, light in their exploration. "I don't think I had ever seen you as anyone but Linus Larrabee the businessman," she said lowly.
"Never?" Linus found her hand, just wanting to touch her, feel her skin, feel her.
"Never. Not even at all those parties I watched from that tree. You always seemed to be in the middle of your work, or ready to be, even when no one else was." She looked away, taking a moment to consider her next words. "And when I was a child...I was afraid of you, sometimes."
"Why?" His eyebrows met over his nose. Of all the many things she could remember about him that Linus would rather she forget, such memories of him had not been a possibility. "I don't even remember speaking more than a few sentences to you, then."
"Or not you, maybe," she went on, "but that businessman. Always so serious, so focused on his work, like nothing else mattered."
"And now, Sabrina?" He asked, but Linus was no longer afraid of his past.
"Never," she whispered again, curling up near him once more.
He just breathed, not wanting to move, hardly wanting to speak in spite of the words that broke free. "I don't deserve you."
"Linus-"
"But I need you." He offered another gentle kiss, this time against her cheek. "And I don't need anything."
"Need?" The word was coy, teasing as she just looked at him.
"You want more?" He had to smile, for it was a game, he knew, only phrases and words chasing one another.
"It's only fair," she said, lifting her face to look squarely at him with those deep, dark eyes. Would he ever see her when she was not beautiful? No.
"Then what should I say?" Almost everything required had been said, and what was left, spoken in every way but with a word.
"I don't know, what should you?"
Linus ran his thumb over each of the slender fingers he held, from the hand to the tip of the fingernail. "That I love you, Sabrina?" His voice nearly cracked; this was the woman he loved, and he had almost lost her. He had thrown her away, blinded by the business dominating his life, and to find her after that...she was too precious to risk. "That it's foolish, but I love you?" He touched his lips to the back of her hand, almost chaste, now. "Is that what I should say, Sabrina?"
"I hope so." She twisted her hand around, sliding her fingers between his and tightening the hold, ignoring the tears at the corners of her eyes. "Because- Well, what would happen, if I loved you and you didn't feel the same?"
"Don't worry about that, Sabrina," he said. "It doesn't matter anymore. This-" he squeezed her hand, pressed it to his chest over his heart "-this is what matters."
Chapter 6: A Foolish Wish
More than anything, Linus feared waking up alone. And so strange that he feared it. His entire life had been spent alone. He had never anticipated a partner in life, so he had believed he was destined to awaken alone every day of his life. The thought had been comforting, disarming a terrifying reality before it could destroy him with the sadness. Except that now, he hated it. He opened his eyes to early afternoon light, a quiet room, and a slight weight in his arms.
She is still here. The realization was unbelievable and relieving. But...what to do, what to say? What was the response to waking up to a beautiful woman at one's side? Joy, curiosity, confusion? Certainly, Linus had that last one pounding through his body. Not how she had come to be here, but why? He had considered it before, why she would choose him, cling to him when so many others would enthusiastically accept her. Oh, he understood why she might have done so at first, but not after that. Nothing had commanded her to embrace him on the boat, to remain with him now, to seek out what remained of his presence in his absence.
But Linus would not complain. He rubbed his fingers along her shoulder, and her face, pressed to his chest, moved. Her eyes opened, as mysterious as dark, and she grinned a bit, like nothing was amiss. "What are you smiling about?" he asked. His voice was hoarse by virtue of the flight and doing...nearly nothing before dropping into his bed, and Linus wanted water almost more than anything else.
Almost.
"Because you're here." And for the moment, it was enough. Just a short while ago, all this emotion was foreign and this situation, only conceivable as embarrassing. Now, this was where he wanted-needed-to be.
"So are you," he whispered.
One of her hands rose, pulling his fingers into her grasp. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know." He had no answer, just that continuing fear, and he did not fight her hold.
And she laughed lightly. "Then don't worry about it, I'm right here."
All fear, all caution was gone, and he just kissed her again. Linus intended it for only a moment, but recklessness overwhelmed him and he pulled her even closer. God, he couldn't lose her now, not if she wanted to stay.
His entire body was tightening, senses awakening, growing. Perhaps more than anything, it was the feel of her body, what he touched and what he imagined he did. When their lips parted, he heard Sabrina gasp for breath, but she had not pulled away. What was their future? This moment, this room, all these quiet afternoons, they demanded a future; together or apart, the question required an answer.
Linus certainly knew what he desired, what he hoped she desired, but he had to hear her words. "Sabrina," he managed, "I need to ask-something." Or, he had two things to beg for her to answer, but the second question depended on the first.
He did not hear, but felt the warm breath on his face, then another drawn in. And so close, he saw her nod before he spoke. "I need to ask-your forgiveness."
Her face was hurt as she frowned, and her hand fell limp around his. "Linus, you know you have it-"
"I need to know I'm not imagining it." Could dreams and wishes prevent a man from seeing the world as it really was? It was a fear beyond all the others.
Sabrina pressed a kiss to his forehead, and now Linus felt as though he were the one in need of protection, lost in his desperation. "Of course," she whispered. "I forgave you long ago." How strange, again: she was certain, he was not.
His arms clutched her even closer, and though the blankets and sheets remained between them, he still felt her chest, rising and falling in an ever hastening rhythm. An enormous weight vanished from his own, and Linus felt almost...free. The past had disappeared, and the worst of it had never existed at all. "Then let me ask you one more thing." The words were low, and he hardly heard them himself, feeling them deep in his throat instead.
"Yes?" Her eyes were worried, and it nearly broke him.
"And don't just answer. I need to know," he said, almost stumbling over the words, his only desire now to rid her of whatever concern had sprouted in her mind.
"Yes, Linus." But he saw trust in her face as well, replacing the concern, and it was more searing to realize. He had once broken that trust and faith only to be given both once more. Never again, he would never again squander it. One chance, one attempt, it was all his heart was ready for.
"Marry me, Sabrina." Again Linus kissed her, long before she could answer. More than he had feared waking up to find her gone, he feared her answer, its possibilities. This moment, he never wanted it to end: never again waking to an empty bed, always having a hand to hold, a beautiful face and a young heart to lift his own, a woman he loved to call his wife.
And for once, she drew away, nothing clear in her surprised expression. "What?"
He couldn't consider the fear, the possibility of an answer. "Please, Sabrina...you heard what I said." He couldn't ask again, the words were not forming in his mouth.
"I-" Her face was paler than usual. "I would need to tell-"
"Your father?" He was the only obvious person, and it was a perfectly sensible thing. After all, she had been raised by a rather old-fashioned man who had not denied the label snob. If she had not voiced that need, its lack would have been the shock.
Another nod. "Of course, Linus-"
The wait was too sharp to even let her finish. If he refused to hear what she said, did it ever come into existence at all? "And what will you tell him, Sabrina?" He slipped his fingers from her warm hand, just touching the crumpled hair around her face, now guiding the tip of one finger along her cheek, her jaw. "That someone wants to make you happy?"
She shook her head, now, tugging her face from his touch. "I-I don't know what I will tell him."
He loosened his arm, releasing the pressure of her body against his, and emptiness overwhelmed. Or loneliness. Was it possible to be alone again when you had never not been alone before? "Then what will you tell yourself?"
Somehow, she smiled. "Is that what you're worried about?" And a bit of a laugh. "I know my answer, and what I will tell you."
"And what is that?" One word, one phrase, it was the catalyst, the agent to begin or end his next breath.
"You know what it is." In one slow, quiet movement, she kissed him again, gently. "Yes." Linus's heart beat again as Sabrina continued, still wearing her small grin. "Of course. Certainly. However you want to say it."
He thought he might break her in half with how hard he clutched her now, tighter than ever before. Sabrina still laughed, and Linus felt it in his chest before it caught him as well and he kissed her through it, for once quickly, then again and again. "Oh, Sabrina..." he whispered.
God, was it all just another dream, a moment from which he would awaken to find himself as he had always been? All his life, he had been the icy businessman without a care in the world because care required a heart, all those emotions he had ignored for so long. The certainty with which he had conducted himself in one deal after another, it had been the same by which he ran his own life, and now it was gone. He had jumped over the ledge, and now fell through whistling air not toward pavement and death but into the unknown and an unimaginable future he already embraced.
Now her fingers danced around his features, over his nose and the small scar above his lip, light in their exploration. "I don't think I had ever seen you as anyone but Linus Larrabee the businessman," she said lowly.
"Never?" Linus found her hand, just wanting to touch her, feel her skin, feel her.
"Never. Not even at all those parties I watched from that tree. You always seemed to be in the middle of your work, or ready to be, even when no one else was." She looked away, taking a moment to consider her next words. "And when I was a child...I was afraid of you, sometimes."
"Why?" His eyebrows met over his nose. Of all the many things she could remember about him that Linus would rather she forget, such memories of him had not been a possibility. "I don't even remember speaking more than a few sentences to you, then."
"Or not you, maybe," she went on, "but that businessman. Always so serious, so focused on his work, like nothing else mattered."
"And now, Sabrina?" He asked, but Linus was no longer afraid of his past.
"Never," she whispered again, curling up near him once more.
He just breathed, not wanting to move, hardly wanting to speak in spite of the words that broke free. "I don't deserve you."
"Linus-"
"But I need you." He offered another gentle kiss, this time against her cheek. "And I don't need anything."
"Need?" The word was coy, teasing as she just looked at him.
"You want more?" He had to smile, for it was a game, he knew, only phrases and words chasing one another.
"It's only fair," she said, lifting her face to look squarely at him with those deep, dark eyes. Would he ever see her when she was not beautiful? No.
"Then what should I say?" Almost everything required had been said, and what was left, spoken in every way but with a word.
"I don't know, what should you?"
Linus ran his thumb over each of the slender fingers he held, from the hand to the tip of the fingernail. "That I love you, Sabrina?" His voice nearly cracked; this was the woman he loved, and he had almost lost her. He had thrown her away, blinded by the business dominating his life, and to find her after that...she was too precious to risk. "That it's foolish, but I love you?" He touched his lips to the back of her hand, almost chaste, now. "Is that what I should say, Sabrina?"
"I hope so." She twisted her hand around, sliding her fingers between his and tightening the hold, ignoring the tears at the corners of her eyes. "Because- Well, what would happen, if I loved you and you didn't feel the same?"
"Don't worry about that, Sabrina," he said. "It doesn't matter anymore. This-" he squeezed her hand, pressed it to his chest over his heart "-this is what matters."