(no subject)
i've had a really brutal day. actually, it started out great, because i was still kind of thinking about last night and how much fun i had, but then i got to thinking about what could happen with taylor and other crap.
i've been fighting with my parents a lot recently, and i'm pretty sure my dad hates me. i'm not being melodramatic or anything, but the guy just doesn't like me.
all i feel like i can do properly is let people down. i'm really good at it. see, what i do is charm them into liking me/doing things my ways ect. and then once i get them at the state of great happiness, i'll lie, or i won't do something that i was supposed to do. i've let my parents down so often that they don't really believe a word i say, or they just expect the worst. i've let myself down the most though. i've gotten to the point where i just don't care anymore, that i virtually have no expectations of myself. when i get a good mark, i'm genuinely suprised. when a friend tells me that they appreciate me or something like that, i think they're lying. i think thats why i have so little respect for myself, because i've learnt to just stop caring.
what sucks is that i bring it all on myself. i wish i haddn't gone to Port Moody, because i wouldn't have had as good of time with my friends. i wouldn't have been tempted to pull a thursday (or for me a mondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfriday). i probably wouldn't have had as many friends, or at least as many good friends as i did at Moody. i would've been motivated to work harder, namely because of all the time i'd have. why do you guys have to be so awesome? i'm serious in saying that. i'd really appreciate not having friends, because then i'd only have me to dissapoint. at the moment, as you can tell, i'm really depressed.
everything's changing, in the smallest ways too. joelle moving to vancouver brought me to tears. i'm not sentimental or anything like that, but i don't know what it would be like if she doesn't like 5 minutes away from me. i don't know what i'm going to do when i'm tried/lazy and don't want to take bree for a walk. no place to go. all my life, or from what i can remember, she's always lived there. its like a symbol. i kind of feel lame for saying that, but whatever.
i don't know if i'm going to go to school next semester. that in itself is a change.
i don't know why i can't just be happy with myself, and to stop doing things to impress others.
i don't know if i'm making any sense at all.
i miss being young and having all the tough choices made for me. i miss elementary school, when my only problems were running away from jordan spady who was trying to kiss me. i miss banting and all the emotional drama that went on within me while i was there. i miss port moody and all my friends who i got to see every day.
i don't want things to change, but i realise that to mature and grow up they have to. i think my problem is that i'm afriad of getting old.
i have this dream about once every two or three months thats just of a timeline of me growing up. but it kinda splits off when i turn 20. its like, if i make the right decision, i become sucessful and full of money, but i don't have the warmth of family because of all the time i have to put into my money making. if i make the wrong one, i have no money and a bunch of kids to care for, but i have the love of a family that makes my life rich. then there is one other section of the split where you see me all alone and old, with no one to care about me. everytime i have this dream i wake up with tears running down my face. actually, as we speak, i have tears running down my face.
i'm afraid to get old. i would rather kill myself than get old. i'm not joking. its my greatest fear. i've got other fears, like of the ocean and of sharks, but i'm litterally petrified about getting old. to me, 19 years old is a symbol of growing up. here in canada it means that i'm now officially an adult, and can rely on no one but myself. i'm scared of it. i don't want to have that responsibility. i'm so scared of myself and what i'm capable of...or what i'm incappable of. i don't what to be forgotten.
i think i've scared myself to exhaustion, no joke. after writing all that down i'm split between being terrified of myself and ageing and being completely exhausted.
goodnight and sleep well.
i've been fighting with my parents a lot recently, and i'm pretty sure my dad hates me. i'm not being melodramatic or anything, but the guy just doesn't like me.
all i feel like i can do properly is let people down. i'm really good at it. see, what i do is charm them into liking me/doing things my ways ect. and then once i get them at the state of great happiness, i'll lie, or i won't do something that i was supposed to do. i've let my parents down so often that they don't really believe a word i say, or they just expect the worst. i've let myself down the most though. i've gotten to the point where i just don't care anymore, that i virtually have no expectations of myself. when i get a good mark, i'm genuinely suprised. when a friend tells me that they appreciate me or something like that, i think they're lying. i think thats why i have so little respect for myself, because i've learnt to just stop caring.
what sucks is that i bring it all on myself. i wish i haddn't gone to Port Moody, because i wouldn't have had as good of time with my friends. i wouldn't have been tempted to pull a thursday (or for me a mondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfriday). i probably wouldn't have had as many friends, or at least as many good friends as i did at Moody. i would've been motivated to work harder, namely because of all the time i'd have. why do you guys have to be so awesome? i'm serious in saying that. i'd really appreciate not having friends, because then i'd only have me to dissapoint. at the moment, as you can tell, i'm really depressed.
everything's changing, in the smallest ways too. joelle moving to vancouver brought me to tears. i'm not sentimental or anything like that, but i don't know what it would be like if she doesn't like 5 minutes away from me. i don't know what i'm going to do when i'm tried/lazy and don't want to take bree for a walk. no place to go. all my life, or from what i can remember, she's always lived there. its like a symbol. i kind of feel lame for saying that, but whatever.
i don't know if i'm going to go to school next semester. that in itself is a change.
i don't know why i can't just be happy with myself, and to stop doing things to impress others.
i don't know if i'm making any sense at all.
i miss being young and having all the tough choices made for me. i miss elementary school, when my only problems were running away from jordan spady who was trying to kiss me. i miss banting and all the emotional drama that went on within me while i was there. i miss port moody and all my friends who i got to see every day.
i don't want things to change, but i realise that to mature and grow up they have to. i think my problem is that i'm afriad of getting old.
i have this dream about once every two or three months thats just of a timeline of me growing up. but it kinda splits off when i turn 20. its like, if i make the right decision, i become sucessful and full of money, but i don't have the warmth of family because of all the time i have to put into my money making. if i make the wrong one, i have no money and a bunch of kids to care for, but i have the love of a family that makes my life rich. then there is one other section of the split where you see me all alone and old, with no one to care about me. everytime i have this dream i wake up with tears running down my face. actually, as we speak, i have tears running down my face.
i'm afraid to get old. i would rather kill myself than get old. i'm not joking. its my greatest fear. i've got other fears, like of the ocean and of sharks, but i'm litterally petrified about getting old. to me, 19 years old is a symbol of growing up. here in canada it means that i'm now officially an adult, and can rely on no one but myself. i'm scared of it. i don't want to have that responsibility. i'm so scared of myself and what i'm capable of...or what i'm incappable of. i don't what to be forgotten.
i think i've scared myself to exhaustion, no joke. after writing all that down i'm split between being terrified of myself and ageing and being completely exhausted.
goodnight and sleep well.