I HATE to love you and LOVE to hate you

[k_o_r_i]

So I have decided to do an update. I just got back from California and it was deffiantly a trip that I needed. I got to spend some time with the fam, which that is something that I dont really like doing, but oh well, spend some time talking to my grandma who is a therapist HAHA, go shopping, read a book, hit up Starbucks and do some thinking without hearing about everyone elses drama while I am doing it. I realized while I was thinking that, Im sick of painting up a face that isnt mine. For the past 3 months I have been trying to be someone Im not. I have trying being a strong person, but going about it in the wrong ways. I realized that, Im not an angry person, Im not a bitch, Im not this huge jealous person I have been claiming to me. That is not who I truly am. I got hurt, I put up a guard, and thats who I have been since then, only because I allowed myself to. Im sick of being weak, being arrogant, being STUBBORN, being JEALOUS, JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, being all of the things that push people away from me, only because Im scared of them getting TOO close to me, and leaving me. I can only run and hide for so long, before I run into a dead end. So this is where it has to stop. This is where I stop it all. I am not a jealous, stubborn, overcontrolling, jumping to conclusions, stubborn bitch. That isnt me. Yeah, sometimes everyone can BE these things, but are they really you? All of this started for me in about October. I was in love with somoene, in a way that words cant explain. Kinda cheesy, ya I know. But I was hurt, I was hurt by some of the ways things were being dealt with, and I had no other idea of how to deal with it. So I just naturally went with it. I did whatever reaction that came out first. I soon became jealous and overcontrolling, having majour trust issues, to a point where EVERYONE told me about it but I refused to listen cuz I didnt see the problem at the time. I would look through his phone, ask him stupid questions, and TRY and make it like he was my puppet on strings. But after so long, people get tired of it, and they leave. I did this. But now I have the power to change it. I have already apologized to him for what I did, but now I have to forgive myself. One of the hardest things to do. I started noticing little things I didnt like about people, how one person was stubborn, or another would play games, or another would lie about how they felt for another person, or instead of being hurt and crying, they would be hurt and go and hit something. I hated watching people do these things, but then I realized it was like I was looking into a mirror and watching myself. Instead of letting him make me cry anymore, I would just get mad. It made it less hurtful, for about a few hours, till reality set in. And I thought maybe if I hated someone instead of being hurt by them, maybe that would work, but No, it dosnt, I realized after so long it doesnt. Like I said, you can only run for so long. You can only be STUBBORN for so long. Honestly, I know someone who I think he is SO stubborn, that if he could, he would cut his nose off just to spite his face. Old saying,yeah, but it works. So there, I am sick of being a bitch to everyone only because I got hurt. Its not fair to take it out on everyone else but the person who hurt me, but I know I do it, only because I love you and I know you can take it. But still, it isnt right. Yeah, of course I will get upset and possibly freak out if you do something, but I really am sick of trying to be this cold hearted bitch 24/7. I do have a heart. hahaha. Believe it or not. Ill never forget the day I was taking Kayla Kerr home and I started crying because she was telling me that if she had to pick one person who cared about people the most that it would be me. That no one else on this Earth could possibly care for people more than I do. And now, I feel like that has slowly begun to slip away. That was what kind of made me, ME. I cant regret things, but only learn from my mistakes. I know what I did, and now I know what I need to do to change it, I need to find what works for me, not for everyone else.....

If this is confusing to you, sorry, but it will maybe make sense to the person who its kind of about.
I know you still read it sweetie.
Oh and by the way Shelley, quit reading my journal.

I have lots more to say, but things to do. So I guess Ill update later.
Love you all!!!
♥Kor