Oh wow.....
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.[Of me, life and...Kuro Shitsuji Musical? XD (click to open)]
I don't know how many of you know about this, but apparently I've not have many interests lately. I've grown....a little bit tired of everything. Of life as a whole. I could look at the most fantastic things barely feeling anything, or if, then just for the blink of a moment. Because naturally I'm someone who's overflowing with joy as such, this halfway numb state is a somewhat painful thing. It's like I can't move, while movement IS life. Outer movement, inner movement, it doesn't matter. Life is flow, and if you can't flow, it doesn't feel good.
Many people fail to flow, but they are yet moving. Maybe staggering and crawling. Maybe in "baby-steps", but they do. For a long while though I've been stuck like a stone. I'm used to stop at times like a stone in a riverbed and see others flow by. Times when I was processing what I had learned in high-speed before and that simply needed my full attention. An inner movement. But now I often find myself unmoved inside-out.
Why? ..... well.....there is no reason. I mean: no reason to move. No reason to move outside but more than that: no reason to move inside. I feel quite settled with myself and the world *lol* and that at good terms. So sometimes I wish I had a reason to move again. Something that fascinates me and makes me flow lightly with life until the day when my body wears out.
There is fade. This awesome band is one of these last things that make me light like a bird. At times they do. I have no illusions about a single thing though: Once I'll be out of their personal reach, they'll have it way way harder to catch me that way. Sure, when I'm light from within, then a slight push from their side and I'm up in the skies *lol* Because they are wonderful people. But when I'm like a stone inside-out, then so far just their concerts and the shortest bit of personal contact are needed to do the trick. Unfortunately even that won't always hold long.
I'm resuming my exercises from Rhonda Byrne's "The Magic". Usually the impact is fantastic.This time the beginning was fantastic, but I stumbled and got all stone again and it's hard to free myself. Not because I can't do it easily *lol* it's because at such point I have no motivation to get myself back.
I realized long ago for myself that I'm highly sensible for such things. A surprisingly strong yet complicated and fragile being. Same goes for my body. It seems to be capable of a lot yet very simple slightly wrong moves can have a bad impact *lol* My bones have tendencies to dislocate though thanks goodness ever since I was child I managed to hold myself together enough for it to not get that far. But they shift in painful ways at times ^_^''. Anyways: because I am the way I am, in many ways my life is easier than that of other people it seems and at the same time a wrong step will hurt double and triple the much. X'D Not that I can tell for sure.
Anyways, through Kellie (known on LJ as pyroyale) I stumbled over Kuro Shitsuji Musical 1 and 2 with subtitles. a re-make of 2 is currently on stage here in Tokyo.
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Click to view.
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The musical as such was fantastically entertaining and fun. However, what hit me, were the backstage pictures. I grew up backstage. Classical orchestra stages, opera houses and theatres were my playgrounds as child. I've been performing on many of them with ballet or in plays regularly and suddenly realize how I missed it. Creating as a part of a production that fascinates people is always amazing. Very stressful and at several points quite sad, but fantastic.
I didn't think I'd miss something that way again. *lol* Although this realization as such brings me nowhere. I guess the productions that would be the most fun to me (like the one above) is something that is quite Japanese *lol* In Germany things are a bit more....classical, I guess. Even so, the best thing to happen might be participating in a play or opera as background actor (I shall keep my ears open for auditions when back in my town, just for fun) But I think I'm noone to become actor X'D. Starting a training NOW...I wonder if I'd want that. Not to mention that although I understand complex feelings and can express them well (that is what I'm told, don't ask ME for an impartial opinion *lol*) I must say this is the thing that tires me out most. Feelings. Because I see people running in circles and circles emotionally and I'm...tired. At times I manage get back into it but *lol* often I sigh and am lucky I don't fall into despair of certain kinds anymore. Or passion of the very unhealthy kind.
Do I sound like a granny? :P Here's the truth: I am. not body-wise, but inside I'm constantly switching between either very old experienced clever granny or granny that has enough of it all and hence goes back to playing like a child with no fears or concerns. The second kind is getting a bit rare. (T~T')
So here's a little warning towards my very own life. *lol* Hurry up! Pick me up again quickly and have someone drag me along for a while until I get back into flow. Because if you don't then time can easily run out. *shrugs* Not that I mind.
Having this written down, I feel like I gave my brain the signal to not stupidly rotate over it anymore (yes brain, I know you get bored a lot lately) and can see if I find anything entertaining for the night until I go pass out for a couple of hours. Tomorrow is ST work again. I have to get ready for my journey. Either that, or I find myself doing something unexpected *lol* I found myself walking around in town suddenly instead of working these days. Not that there's anything wrong about it. I really need ST and fade holidays for myself to be easier about it again.
With this: good night everyone!
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