Broked
My heart is broken. Not like OMG there was this boy and he dumped me and now I'm crying my life out kind of broken. It's like how a car is broken, or my pancreas. It's broken as in it doesn't work right. Something is wrong. I see it in patterns in my life over and over again. It's not something that hugs or chocolate can fix (though I'll still take all the hugs and chocolate I can get because they're just good!). I need a mechanic to fix it. Get in there and figure out what's wrong with me and tweak it so it'll work right.
I've been praying about it, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I got tired a week or so ago and decided that it would be so much easier if I just didn't care. So much easier. So then I almost prayed that I wouldn't even care any more. But that's an awful thing to pray, and kind of against everything that Jesus is. So I stopped myself. Instead I prayed to care even more, even when caring seems to cause nothing but pain. I don't want a heart of stone, I want a heart of flesh, with all the immense joy and all the crushing pain that comes with. I just want my heart of flesh to work right so I won't be so relationally retarded.
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I'm an awful student. I'm getting behind on reading and there are a couple massive papers that are going to soon by kicking my butt because I'm not working on them now. And I skipped all my classes today. Today we started speeching our persuasive speeches in my public speaking class, and the schedule of who's speaking when wasn't up until late last night, so there was a chance that I would have to go today, but I didn't know for sure because he didn't put the list online. But either way, last night I hadn't (and still haven't) prepared my speech yet, and there was no way I was gonna be able to pull a semi-good speech together to present today. So last night I e-mailed the teacher and said I wasn't gonna be able to make it to class. Then the schedule got put up a few hours later, and it turns out I'm not speeching until next Tuesday anyways, but I'd already told him that I wasn't going to be in class today, so I figured I should still skip anyways. Less suspicious. Plus sleeping in is good.
Then I skipped my second class for I don't even know why. I decided about five minutes before class started. It was probably a bad idea since we have a test on Thursday. But sometimes that class feels like a prison. But I bought Jason lunch instead and we chatted for a while and it was much better than class would have been, so I don't regret my decision. Though I may feel differently on Thursday.
I'm going to work in about ten minutes, and then Chi Alpha practice and Chi Alpha, so I'm not taking a complete mental health day, but Tuesdays are usually my craziest nonstop action days, so it was nice to have no classes. And maybe tomorrow I'll buckle down and try to start digging myself out of this hole I'm gradually sinking into. Jesus help me!
Because really, why drown when I can walk on water?
I don't remember where I heard/read that, and I'm sure they weren't talking about school when they said it, but that's what I'm going to apply it to for now.
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So I got my job because my advisor Chris hooked me up with this Dan soil guy. And she told me that a little bit ago they were e-mailing about something else, and he put a little note to her at the bottom that I'm working out great. That's encouraging. It's good to know that my boss thinks I'm doing a good job- especially hearing it through somebody else. It's like he was bragging about me.
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Some good quotes from people's facebooks and other places:
Be kind to everyone you meet, for they are fighting a hard battle. -Plato
When you look directly at an insane man, all you see is a reflection of your own knowledge that he's insane, which is not to see him at all. To see him you must see what he saw.
-Robert Pirsig
Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past. -Landrum Bolling
We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present.- Marianne Williamson
To be bored is the height of pride and selfishness. To be bored is to squander those few precious moments that God has entrusted to us for our life, the end of which we know not when. Therefore to proclaim boredom and to squander hours is to spit in the face of God. -Samuel Johnson, from "Rasselas"
To forgive is to dance to the beat of God's forgiving heart. It is to ride the crest of love's strongest wave. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. - Dr. Lewis Smedes
What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge (This quote gives me chills every time)
I was looking for quotes about walking once and found some good ones:
No city should be too large for a man to walk out of in a morning. ~Cyril Connolly
Now shall I walk
or shall I ride?
"Ride," Pleasure said:
"Walk," Joy replied.
~W.H. Davies
If you pick 'em up, O Lord, I'll put 'em down. ~Author Unknown, "Prayer of the Tired Walker"
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PS-
Dearest Michael,
Move to Idaho. I need a roomie for this summer/next year and I'm doubting my abilities to find one. We could make boxili and olive cheese bread and we could flute and guitar and sing and dance like gypsies every night.
Love,
Steph
I've been praying about it, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I got tired a week or so ago and decided that it would be so much easier if I just didn't care. So much easier. So then I almost prayed that I wouldn't even care any more. But that's an awful thing to pray, and kind of against everything that Jesus is. So I stopped myself. Instead I prayed to care even more, even when caring seems to cause nothing but pain. I don't want a heart of stone, I want a heart of flesh, with all the immense joy and all the crushing pain that comes with. I just want my heart of flesh to work right so I won't be so relationally retarded.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm an awful student. I'm getting behind on reading and there are a couple massive papers that are going to soon by kicking my butt because I'm not working on them now. And I skipped all my classes today. Today we started speeching our persuasive speeches in my public speaking class, and the schedule of who's speaking when wasn't up until late last night, so there was a chance that I would have to go today, but I didn't know for sure because he didn't put the list online. But either way, last night I hadn't (and still haven't) prepared my speech yet, and there was no way I was gonna be able to pull a semi-good speech together to present today. So last night I e-mailed the teacher and said I wasn't gonna be able to make it to class. Then the schedule got put up a few hours later, and it turns out I'm not speeching until next Tuesday anyways, but I'd already told him that I wasn't going to be in class today, so I figured I should still skip anyways. Less suspicious. Plus sleeping in is good.
Then I skipped my second class for I don't even know why. I decided about five minutes before class started. It was probably a bad idea since we have a test on Thursday. But sometimes that class feels like a prison. But I bought Jason lunch instead and we chatted for a while and it was much better than class would have been, so I don't regret my decision. Though I may feel differently on Thursday.
I'm going to work in about ten minutes, and then Chi Alpha practice and Chi Alpha, so I'm not taking a complete mental health day, but Tuesdays are usually my craziest nonstop action days, so it was nice to have no classes. And maybe tomorrow I'll buckle down and try to start digging myself out of this hole I'm gradually sinking into. Jesus help me!
Because really, why drown when I can walk on water?
I don't remember where I heard/read that, and I'm sure they weren't talking about school when they said it, but that's what I'm going to apply it to for now.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got my job because my advisor Chris hooked me up with this Dan soil guy. And she told me that a little bit ago they were e-mailing about something else, and he put a little note to her at the bottom that I'm working out great. That's encouraging. It's good to know that my boss thinks I'm doing a good job- especially hearing it through somebody else. It's like he was bragging about me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some good quotes from people's facebooks and other places:
Be kind to everyone you meet, for they are fighting a hard battle. -Plato
When you look directly at an insane man, all you see is a reflection of your own knowledge that he's insane, which is not to see him at all. To see him you must see what he saw.
-Robert Pirsig
Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past. -Landrum Bolling
We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present.- Marianne Williamson
To be bored is the height of pride and selfishness. To be bored is to squander those few precious moments that God has entrusted to us for our life, the end of which we know not when. Therefore to proclaim boredom and to squander hours is to spit in the face of God. -Samuel Johnson, from "Rasselas"
To forgive is to dance to the beat of God's forgiving heart. It is to ride the crest of love's strongest wave. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. - Dr. Lewis Smedes
What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge (This quote gives me chills every time)
I was looking for quotes about walking once and found some good ones:
No city should be too large for a man to walk out of in a morning. ~Cyril Connolly
Now shall I walk
or shall I ride?
"Ride," Pleasure said:
"Walk," Joy replied.
~W.H. Davies
If you pick 'em up, O Lord, I'll put 'em down. ~Author Unknown, "Prayer of the Tired Walker"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
PS-
Dearest Michael,
Move to Idaho. I need a roomie for this summer/next year and I'm doubting my abilities to find one. We could make boxili and olive cheese bread and we could flute and guitar and sing and dance like gypsies every night.
Love,
Steph