procrastination nation
This is where I want to be.
This is where I am instead.
I have a huge paper to write. It's due Thursday, but I want to get it out of the way this weekend. And it's making me grumpy. Especially since I've already wasted half the day sleeping. When I have a lot of stuff to get done, and I sleep past noon, I just feel like a waste of space. I guess that's what I get for not getting to bed until 4am. No regrets. Actually it was past 4, because at the wonderful hour of 4:10am, the suitemate decided to come in and take a loud shower. at 4:10. in the morning. ???? Sometimes I don't understand things.
I don't generally get very stressed about school. My baseline school stress levels are not very high. I don't worry about it much. I have a super big project due in two weeks? No problem. I don't even worry about it for most of those two weeks. Up to a point. Then I go into crazy overwhelmed drama queen mode where I feel like I'll never be happy again. The tunnel at the end of the light. And I usually let myself do that, because that's the only way I'll buckle down and produce some quality work. When I try not to procrastinate, and try getting big things done a week or two before they're due, I have the hardest time taking them seriously, and as a result, quality of work is just not great. But when I get crazy overwhelmed and it's just this huge dark cloud of work mixed with life looming constantly over my head, it's easier for me to take it seriously and get it done. Even trying to work right now on this paper due Thursday, I'm definitely kind of overwhelmed and GAHAGHGAHAGHGH, but not even to the point where I'm taking it seriously enough to wake up before noon and work on it. Instead I'm on here writing about it. Which is sure to make me more overwhelmed and GAGHAGHGHGH later- eventually enough that I'll be able to get it done. Another fun part to this whole situation- most of the overwhelmion occurs when I'm putting off doing whatever it is I need to be doing. When I actually break it down and map out exactly what needs to get done, and then actually start doing it, it's really not bad. Sometimes I even enjoy it. But I spend way too much time in eat my soul mode beforehand.
This is what works for me, and it's what I've been doing for years, but I'm starting to think that maybe it's not good. A little bit of stress is definitely a good thing, because without it, nothing would get done, but I'm starting to think it's a bad thing to rely heavily on these weekends or even whole weeks of gloomy overwhelmsion (new word) to get through school. I'm a happy person in general. I was made to be a joyful person. Why do I have to suppress that so much to get work done? Why can't I be a happy person writing papers or studying for tests too?
I'm supposed to be this eternal wellspring of joy when I seek God, but sometimes I get into the mindset that school and God are mutually exclusive. Reading and praying and seeking God now, can't do schoolwork or be a good student. Oh, now I'm doing homework, God'll have to wait until I'm done. I need to remember that they're not exclusive. God's still here when I go to class or do homework. He can even help me! God give me focus and motivation and joy!!
You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and wine- Psalm 4:7 I need that to not be squashed by my academic life.
It's not as bad right now as it has been in the past. I'm not to the point of despair. I don't think there's enough time left in the semester to go that far, and life in general right now is too good to get to despair I think. But I can tell I'm definitely flirting with despair every time I let myself get all drama queen and weighed down and eat my soul anytime I have a big assignment to do.
Feb 11, 2007
Page 1
Page 2
Page 3 <-- has a nice snippet on Despair from the Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis
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Somebody posted this video on myspace in a bulletin:
Click to view
I watched it, cause I like Pink a lot- haven't heard her latest album yet though.
The song is called Dear Mr. President. It's another Bush bashing kinda song. I don't know enough about Bush/his policies/politics in general to have a real opinion on the guy (though I did enjoy my 365 day Bush-isms calendar), but I'm *pretty sure* he's working much harder than Pink gives him credit for. Can't be an easy job.
But this is not a political post. I'm just mentioning it cause the first part of the song kinda struck me. Not so much the latter parts about things that only the guys in charge have real control over- war, laws.. But the first part- "What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?, Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?, What do you feel when you look in the mirror? Are you proud?"
I feel like it shouldn't be called Dear Mr. President. But maybe Dear Middle Class American. Or perhaps Dear Human Being.
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A poem by my dear friend yekiM:
If I Was Rich And Pretty
I wonder what life would be like
If I was rich and pretty
I think I'd live someplace cool
Like LA or New York City
I'd drive a red convertible
I'd really know how to dress
I wouldn't mind spending $90
For a pair of jeans at Express
I'd go out clubbing all night long
I'd always be having fun
I'd get a decent haircut so I
Wouldn't look like George Washington
I'd have a closet full
Of designer label clothes
I'd vacation in exotic places like
London, France, or Rome
I prolly would be spoiled
And the most arrogant guy in town
Since I was so pretty
Instead of always putting myself down
I'd have a staff of servants
To take care of every chore
I'd never have to clean my room
Or scrub the goddamn kitchen floor
Whats that you say?
We would have never met
If I was rich and pretty?
Oh, how could I not choose you
Over glamour in the city!
And clothes, and cars, good looks
Clubs, servants, and jewels
Yeah... how could I pick all of that
Instead of knowing you...
)_)
(_( (sorry yekim-had to use parenthesis- the real faces messed up my html)
Actually, I like you and all
But on second thought
If I was rich and pretty
I could have friendship bought
(just kidding)
(maybe)
the end
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Written + facebooked by Jennica, my 3-4th grade best friend
my foot is asleep
i haven't moved it in awhile
because i'm comfy
and i'm getting stuff done
even though i'm not moving
and even though i'm sitting still
accomplishment
sometimes, my life is asleep
i don't move for awhile
because i get comfortable
and i'm getting stuff done
and even though i'm not moving
even though i'm sitting still
accomplishing
it hurts the most to get the feeling back.
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With that, I think it's time to start working. :(