Death by Bubble Wrap
Originally published at kelliowen.com. Please leave any comments there.
“You are constantly dodging danger like Forrest Gump.”
~ Bob Ford
It’s been a long standing joke-er, I think it’s meant as a joke-that I will die by some stupidly ridiculous method. Paper cuts are often given as an example and the hippie usually follows it with his concern over the authorities not believing him, “No really, officer. She had a paper cut and then, well…” or how exactly to explain to my mother that I had a run-in with a rogue stapler and lost. Except my mother, unlike the cops, would totally believe it. After all, she watched me sleepwalk my nose right into the bulletin board on my closet door, full of lovely stickpins and tacks and things, all through high school.
Yesterday, I was pretty sure it was going to be bubble wrap instead of a paper cut.
See that picture? It’s hard to tell without something in the image for comparison, but that’s a 14′ x 5′ sheet of bubble wrap-the big bubbles, fist size bubbles. Keep that in mind.
I was going 83 on 83 (the locals will understand that reference) on my way to work. Because there were no buses to slow my progress, and the construction season seems to be winding down, Murphy hit me with his other favorite: caravans of semi-trucks on the highway. Okay. Whatever. At least they’re moving (unlike the buses and construction). And as I found myself locked in on all sides by vehicles much much larger than my cute little ‘stang (yes, I am still in love with my mid-life crisis), a piece of road crap came flying out from beneath the truck in front of me.
“What the hell?!” If I remember correctly, was my initial response. A quick glance around me, nowhere to swerve, no way to hit the brakes and change lanes, led to the follow up, “Shit.” I gritted my teeth, hit the clutch, and coasted over it. I exhaled and watched the rearview mirror.
Nothing.
Then I heard it.
*Pop*
*Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop*
And I could smell it. The lovely smell of hospital fish without the morphine drip to dull the flavor, er, I mean, burning plastic.
“Shit.”
The steering got weird. The ‘stang developed a touch of a cough and lurched a little. I held my breath and concentrated on what exactly I was going to do if this thing caused my car to seize on the highway, going too fast, surrounded by semi-trucks. And my black humor gene kicked in as headlines flicked through my thoughts. “Gypsy killed by bubble wrap.” “Tragedy on 83 blamed on bubble wrap.” Followed by, “Crap, Bob doesn’t know where the Christmas presents are hidden!” (Yes, these are the thoughts I have while thinking I may actually die because of freaking bubble wrap.)
I pulled off the exit, pulled into work, and literally jumped from the car as if it was on fire. It wasn’t, yet, thank god, but it smelled like bubble wrap brimstone. I dumped my stuff in the office, briefed the boss, and carefully drove it three blocks to the Jiffy Lube.
Batting my eyelashes and hoping this wouldn’t sound as stupid out loud as it did in my head, “Hiiiii… I don’t need an oil change. Um, I was blocked in by semis on the highway and a ginormous piece of bubble wrap flew at me and is now wrapped around underneath the car. Could you pull this over the pit and fix that for me?” (Yep, it sounded exactly as stupid out loud.)
With a raised eyebrow, the tiniest mechanic I’ve ever seen smiled, “Is that what I smell? Sure. No problem.”
They pulled it out. I took a picture (because no way was the hippie going to believe this-turns out he had no problem believing it at all. He was only surprised it wasn’t a paperclip that tried to kill me.), and I went back to work.
This is my life. You can’t make this shit up. It’s ridiculous and yes, the hippie may be on to something. I do tend to get hurt in the most bizarre ways. And I do tend to get out of danger in equally lucky ways-though I still don’t know if what he said (the quote above) is an insult or a compliment. But I can’t be the only one… Can I?
So, since this happened on a Thursday, let’s make it a coffee blog from the garage, a little gypsy chat to start the day. What is the silliest way you have either gotten hurt, or could have really gotten hurt but skidded through somehow. And I’m not demeaning the danger or the injury as silly, but rather, the headlines that could come out of the situation. Gimme a headline and the story behind it. Death by Bubble Wrap is mine… What’s yours?