Dear Diary~ [Page 31 - Yunho]
[Page 31 - Yunho] Man, I'm tired! And I keep stopping and starting chapter 3 of J.A.E.S.U. >.< What's wrong with me??
Dear Diary,
I’m so confused.
I’m furious.
But I’m happy.
I feel sick.
But I’ve never felt better.
I’m fine.
But I’m ugly.
I’m full.
But I’m hungry.
I’m disappointed.
But I’m satisfied.
I’m right.
But I’m wrong.
I’m finally living.
But I’m really dying.
…
I don’t get it.
I don’t want to admit it. But I want to admit it. I need to admit that…it needs to stop.
Enough damage has been done. What he did is completely unforgiveable.
Yet I’ve forgiven him.
Again.
But he should suffer, right? Nobody but a traitor is stupid enough to pull a stunt like that twice on his best friends. Even if he does have a tendency to act before he thinks…
I was okay with not speaking to him. Honestly, it helped me get my thoughts together. And it was kind of okay for Yoochun to do little pranks on him. Just to make him learn his lesson. But…
It’s been long enough.
In fact, I’ve been doing a little damage control in this house.
First of all, the bleach in his shampoo was a bit much. Yoochun should really learn some self-restraint. And I let him stay in our room so Changmin or Yoochun won’t smother him with a pillow or something if he sleeps on the couch. And slowly, things of his keep disappearing. Toothbrush, socks, clothes, shoes, belts, pencils, pictures, glasses, nail clipper, wasabi sauce.
Sometimes I’ll find a pile of junk suspiciously hidden inside Changmin’s underwear drawer or in Yoochun’s closet and I’ll have to sneak it back into Jaejoong’s bed or something. I mean…that was okay for a while, but it’s getting out of hand.
And they glued his laptop to the elevator wall. I could fake a laugh from that one for a while, but I could only look away when they ignore his breakfasts in the morning. One day, I snuck a piece of toast, though. I was…hungry that day.
And Changmin ruined the white shirt I bought him for Christmas. He didn’t deserve that no matter how many people he hurts. That shirt was special.
The other night, I found him sitting outside the door of our apartment all curled up in a ball. I honestly didn’t know what to think. How could he have lost his keys? He never loses things like I do.
Changmin just walked right over him and shut the door behind him. It’s been so long and still his bitterness is so fresh. He must have been asleep on the floor because when the door slammed shut he jumped.
His eyes were red.
I was literally stuck and couldn’t move from that spot in the hallway. He couldn’t look at me, but I knew what he had been doing. I ended up stepping over him as well and softly shutting the door behind me. I made sure to keep the door unlocked, though. What should I have done? Did I do the right thing? Should I have thrown something at him? Should I have invited him in?
So, this is where my confusion comes in.
I’m still so mad.
Really, really, really mad.
But…
He doesn’t deserve all this.
Not all of it.
And the other guys aren’t even helping. They’re too afraid to get involved and take sides and they think it will work itself out on its own. Kibum is the only one that seems to think the whole thing is outrageously stupid.
I don’t even know which side to pick anymore.
I don’t want a side. I just want this to stop.
I thought maybe Yoochun’s anger would run its course and then eventually, he’d wake up one day and forget the whole thing. And Changmin has a scary temper, but it mostly just flares up for a while and then settles down in no time. You’d think his appetite would send him running back. He’s only been living on instant noodles.
But Junsu was involved. Yoochun is clearly crazy about Junsu.
Crazy.
And Changmin is caught up in all the hatred and Junsu just feels abused. I’m…
I don’t know anymore.
Am I just as bad for not speaking up? But what would I speak up about?
Just forgive him already. Who cares if he played with all our emotions like a new train set on Christmas day?
He’s our friend. Even though he’s not acting like it.
Yoochun, you already have Junsu now, right? So, it’s all cool. Even though Changmin is lonely now and I’ve had to feel the pain of breaking up twice in a row…
He’s Jaejoong.
He’s Jaejoong. Kim Jaejoong.
He said he loved me us. So it must be true. It’s impossible for him to lie, no matter what Changmin may hiss at him when he passes by in the hallway. He loves us…
And no matter what, I lo-
I can’t hate him. I never did. Okay, maybe a little when he first did it. But the second time, I don’t know what was going on in my head. He’s-just-so-hard-to-figure-out.
What goes on in his head that makes him do these things? I know he’s weird enough to take pictures of us in the shower, but I really can’t find a good explanation. What’s wrong with him?
He’s Jaejoong.
I don’t know.
A storm is coming, Diary. I’d better close the window before our TV ends up dead and wet.
I wish my thoughts were as easy to figure out as closing a stupid window.
~Yunho
Turn the page~ Page 30 - Yoochun || Page 32 - Jaejoong