Push You, Pull Me: Chapter Two: One-Sided Ultimatum
Title: Push You, Pull Me
Story Type: Multi-Chapter
Couple: Sora/Riku & Axel/Roxas
Genre(s): Romance, Drama, Angst
Rating: PG-13 (T)
Description: Years pass on and the pain of loss doesn't always fade. Maybe all he needed was to just let go of it.
Late one night, just a few nights before I had to face Axel’s ghost, and lack thereof, again, I tried laying silently within Sora. His breathing was steadying, but he wasn’t asleep, just coming down off the afterglow of his ministrations. Soon, very soon, guilt would flood into him and replace the glorious release. Sora could only be himself when he was alone (with me) and resigned to something he had chosen to never publicly acknowledge.
Sora didn’t need magazines or mental images of things accepted by society, he just needed the strength to release himself of his inhibitions on what he wanted. Thoughts that had bothered and disturbed him had crept in and taken root when he was careless about fighting them off, and now he secretly indulged them. It just wasn’t so secret with me around.
I wasn’t going to judge him. I’m sure he appreciated that.
But as the glow faded from his system and the rush of endorphins dissipated, I felt guilt replace them as he curled up in a confused ball, and hot tears forming. He balled up a fist and pummeled his pillow in frustration. No one could hear his thoughts, but I could feel them like he felt mine, and that was just as good.
It’snotokayit’snotokayit’snotokayshameshameshame!
Acceptance and reassurance, he needed. Bitter shame and rejection of himself, he did not. And all he had who knew about his inner battle was the ghost of someone-something-that had never really existed in the first place. Whether he really acknowledged it or not, Sora had been dealt a pretty rotten hand in life, and he was determined to play it through to the end under the mask of what he was expected to be.
We don’t both deserve to be unhappy. I thought, and knew he’d feel it, because it had been a strong emotion I had meant. Maybe my existence was pathetic and improper, but his was something more. Sora had a strong Heart, and that came with a strong will, but stronger emotions. Someday, that will would cave to those emotions and he would either drown in his utter misery, or he would find the greatest happiness in the world.
He had gotten the message, but it didn’t stop the tears that no one would ever see from spilling onto the pillow in his guilt. “I… can’t.” In his mind, I was sure that he could only see one possible outcome for himself:
There was no way he could follow his heart on this choice it had made without his consent. He would steel himself and live as he was expected, and there would be no deviation from that standard. He would never let on his feelings about Riku, nor the private thoughts that dominated him during nights. He would forget they ever existed. He would choose to be unhappy rather than fret over other’s unhappiness about his choices.
Listen to your heart, Sora. And if you can’t understand what it’s telling you, I will always be honest with you and I will tell you.
Sora gripped his pillow tightly and I felt a wave of sympathy. Empathy, really. I knew what it was like not to be able to do and have what you wanted. Too well, really. Sora had a choice, though, even if I didn’t. I could live through Sora. I could be happy through him.
“You don’t need this, Roxas…” He whispered, still guiltily gripping his pillow. “I’m sorry.”
No, Sora, I thought. You don’t need this.
And Sora probably didn’t believe me, but he fought back his guilt again, and tried not to think of how right it had felt, and he eventually fell into a fitful sleep, filled with nightmares of hatred and anger at himself.
I stayed awake for a long time and felt bad for him. He was so much better than this. He deserved more choices than he gave himself.
Story Type: Multi-Chapter
Couple: Sora/Riku & Axel/Roxas
Genre(s): Romance, Drama, Angst
Rating: PG-13 (T)
Description: Years pass on and the pain of loss doesn't always fade. Maybe all he needed was to just let go of it.
Late one night, just a few nights before I had to face Axel’s ghost, and lack thereof, again, I tried laying silently within Sora. His breathing was steadying, but he wasn’t asleep, just coming down off the afterglow of his ministrations. Soon, very soon, guilt would flood into him and replace the glorious release. Sora could only be himself when he was alone (with me) and resigned to something he had chosen to never publicly acknowledge.
Sora didn’t need magazines or mental images of things accepted by society, he just needed the strength to release himself of his inhibitions on what he wanted. Thoughts that had bothered and disturbed him had crept in and taken root when he was careless about fighting them off, and now he secretly indulged them. It just wasn’t so secret with me around.
I wasn’t going to judge him. I’m sure he appreciated that.
But as the glow faded from his system and the rush of endorphins dissipated, I felt guilt replace them as he curled up in a confused ball, and hot tears forming. He balled up a fist and pummeled his pillow in frustration. No one could hear his thoughts, but I could feel them like he felt mine, and that was just as good.
It’snotokayit’snotokayit’snotokayshameshameshame!
Acceptance and reassurance, he needed. Bitter shame and rejection of himself, he did not. And all he had who knew about his inner battle was the ghost of someone-something-that had never really existed in the first place. Whether he really acknowledged it or not, Sora had been dealt a pretty rotten hand in life, and he was determined to play it through to the end under the mask of what he was expected to be.
We don’t both deserve to be unhappy. I thought, and knew he’d feel it, because it had been a strong emotion I had meant. Maybe my existence was pathetic and improper, but his was something more. Sora had a strong Heart, and that came with a strong will, but stronger emotions. Someday, that will would cave to those emotions and he would either drown in his utter misery, or he would find the greatest happiness in the world.
He had gotten the message, but it didn’t stop the tears that no one would ever see from spilling onto the pillow in his guilt. “I… can’t.” In his mind, I was sure that he could only see one possible outcome for himself:
There was no way he could follow his heart on this choice it had made without his consent. He would steel himself and live as he was expected, and there would be no deviation from that standard. He would never let on his feelings about Riku, nor the private thoughts that dominated him during nights. He would forget they ever existed. He would choose to be unhappy rather than fret over other’s unhappiness about his choices.
Listen to your heart, Sora. And if you can’t understand what it’s telling you, I will always be honest with you and I will tell you.
Sora gripped his pillow tightly and I felt a wave of sympathy. Empathy, really. I knew what it was like not to be able to do and have what you wanted. Too well, really. Sora had a choice, though, even if I didn’t. I could live through Sora. I could be happy through him.
“You don’t need this, Roxas…” He whispered, still guiltily gripping his pillow. “I’m sorry.”
No, Sora, I thought. You don’t need this.
And Sora probably didn’t believe me, but he fought back his guilt again, and tried not to think of how right it had felt, and he eventually fell into a fitful sleep, filled with nightmares of hatred and anger at himself.
I stayed awake for a long time and felt bad for him. He was so much better than this. He deserved more choices than he gave himself.