(no subject)
It is easier to die than to watch someone pass away. My Grandfather doesn't know where he is or what is around him most of the times now. I am seeing one of the most brilliant men I know lose who he was. This is a man who is family of people that helped make the atom bomb. He wanted family and love instead...... he was the smartest one out of the family if you ask me.
For 43 years my Grandfather called my Mom every New Years eve at midnight. For the first time he wasn't able too.
My grandparents spent almost an hour the other day looking at those sleep number beds. The lady kept changing each of theirs for an hour till they found the right one. They have the same number. After some 40 years of marriage I guess you would have something in common right?
They are so amazingly lucky.
The hardest part is trying to be strong for my Mom. We hug and she starts to cry.
How do you help your own mom like that?
I hate hugging people now..... I hate having some close emotional physical contact. I would rather fuck someone than hug them..... it has never been like that for me. I care so much about people.... I want to be friends, I want to care. It hurts. I want someone to love me and be there to help me. Just isn't happening.
I want to be alone.
I want to be strong for my mom. I want to help her and help her. But she cries. I can't watch her cry. It hurts me so much.
I wish I had someone that could help me like I try to help my mom.
My friends can't be their because they are busy, have someone else to look after, don't understand, or just can't.
Maybe someday someone can help me.
Now someone who I care about so much can't even really be there for me because of a fight.
Who do I go to.
Many of you will say I can go to you or that you will be there for me. Look into your life first and ask yourself if you are able to actually be there. It isn't as easy as it seems. Will you take the time to sit down and listen? Many people say they will but most don't.
I just want to yell.
I want to cry.
I want someone there for me.
I am lonely, tired, sad.
That is a bad combo.
That is why I am venting.
Sad thing is I don't even say all of it. It is my own journal and I don't say everything I want too. Because I don't want to hurt anyone.
I am in pain and I don't feel like I can turn to anyone with all of it.
So I need to find my pain killer.
My pain killers are not good.
Something that kills the pain and lets me do my work.
Was I wrong to fall in love with you?
For 43 years my Grandfather called my Mom every New Years eve at midnight. For the first time he wasn't able too.
My grandparents spent almost an hour the other day looking at those sleep number beds. The lady kept changing each of theirs for an hour till they found the right one. They have the same number. After some 40 years of marriage I guess you would have something in common right?
They are so amazingly lucky.
The hardest part is trying to be strong for my Mom. We hug and she starts to cry.
How do you help your own mom like that?
I hate hugging people now..... I hate having some close emotional physical contact. I would rather fuck someone than hug them..... it has never been like that for me. I care so much about people.... I want to be friends, I want to care. It hurts. I want someone to love me and be there to help me. Just isn't happening.
I want to be alone.
I want to be strong for my mom. I want to help her and help her. But she cries. I can't watch her cry. It hurts me so much.
I wish I had someone that could help me like I try to help my mom.
My friends can't be their because they are busy, have someone else to look after, don't understand, or just can't.
Maybe someday someone can help me.
Now someone who I care about so much can't even really be there for me because of a fight.
Who do I go to.
Many of you will say I can go to you or that you will be there for me. Look into your life first and ask yourself if you are able to actually be there. It isn't as easy as it seems. Will you take the time to sit down and listen? Many people say they will but most don't.
I just want to yell.
I want to cry.
I want someone there for me.
I am lonely, tired, sad.
That is a bad combo.
That is why I am venting.
Sad thing is I don't even say all of it. It is my own journal and I don't say everything I want too. Because I don't want to hurt anyone.
I am in pain and I don't feel like I can turn to anyone with all of it.
So I need to find my pain killer.
My pain killers are not good.
Something that kills the pain and lets me do my work.
Was I wrong to fall in love with you?