it's getting better all the time...
Life is (for the most part) returning to normal. Kyle went back to work Monday. He is handling things pretty well, I think. He tells me that sometimes he wakes up in the morning and just doesn't want to do anything, so he doesn't. I tell him that I get that, but that I need him, so he's going to have to pick himself up and keep marching forward. I love him with my whole heart, but he's an only child and turns into a prince if I tend to his every need.
Today he mowed the lawn. I only had to ask him to do it twice. Not bad.
As for me, I am...humbled. I had a huge reality check over the weekend. On Saturday I slept in for the first time in a long time (stupid conference last week wore me out). I could have started researching my paper, but I didn't. I could have done some cleaning, but I didn't. I did cantor at the 5pm Mass, but didn't do a great job. My voice kept sticking in my throat, I read (and sang) the wrong words), etc. And that was basically it. Kyle and I got dinner, came home and watched SNL.
On Sunday, I regretted not being productive the prior day. I started thinking about having children and what life would be like - and how selfish I currently am with my time, and wondering how we would organize our time since we both have to work, and whether or not I am ready to give my life so completely to another. One may argue that I've already made that kind of commitment with Kyle, but the reality is that I only see him two days a week. I live the life of a single girl during the week, a wife on the weekends.
The other thing I regretted is how much I have let myself go. Five years ago on weight watchers I lost 13 lbs., dropping two dress sizes, and I kept most of the weight off through 2008. My closet is currently divided into clothes that fit and clothes that don't. And the "don'ts" are becoming the majority. I HATE looking at my body. I make a lot of excuses for the decisions I've made, but at the end of the day I did this to myself and only I can turn it around.
I have started tracking points this week, I'm on day 3. I'm too scared to see what the scale says, so I will start actually tracking my weight once my clothes fit a little better. I have been reading a blog of someone who contributes to the WW website, and really recognize myself in her journey - she has lost a total of 18 lbs so far, and seems to be in a state of maintenance for the past four months, bouncing up a pound or two and then losing half a pound here and there. She writes the same things every week - that she knows she can do better, but she has slipped. I am frustrated by this, and yet I understand it as well because I do the same thing. So, I'm done slipping. It's time to make a commitment to myself and my future, it's not about how I look or feel right now.
And now...I guess I should get back to work.
Today he mowed the lawn. I only had to ask him to do it twice. Not bad.
As for me, I am...humbled. I had a huge reality check over the weekend. On Saturday I slept in for the first time in a long time (stupid conference last week wore me out). I could have started researching my paper, but I didn't. I could have done some cleaning, but I didn't. I did cantor at the 5pm Mass, but didn't do a great job. My voice kept sticking in my throat, I read (and sang) the wrong words), etc. And that was basically it. Kyle and I got dinner, came home and watched SNL.
On Sunday, I regretted not being productive the prior day. I started thinking about having children and what life would be like - and how selfish I currently am with my time, and wondering how we would organize our time since we both have to work, and whether or not I am ready to give my life so completely to another. One may argue that I've already made that kind of commitment with Kyle, but the reality is that I only see him two days a week. I live the life of a single girl during the week, a wife on the weekends.
The other thing I regretted is how much I have let myself go. Five years ago on weight watchers I lost 13 lbs., dropping two dress sizes, and I kept most of the weight off through 2008. My closet is currently divided into clothes that fit and clothes that don't. And the "don'ts" are becoming the majority. I HATE looking at my body. I make a lot of excuses for the decisions I've made, but at the end of the day I did this to myself and only I can turn it around.
I have started tracking points this week, I'm on day 3. I'm too scared to see what the scale says, so I will start actually tracking my weight once my clothes fit a little better. I have been reading a blog of someone who contributes to the WW website, and really recognize myself in her journey - she has lost a total of 18 lbs so far, and seems to be in a state of maintenance for the past four months, bouncing up a pound or two and then losing half a pound here and there. She writes the same things every week - that she knows she can do better, but she has slipped. I am frustrated by this, and yet I understand it as well because I do the same thing. So, I'm done slipping. It's time to make a commitment to myself and my future, it's not about how I look or feel right now.
And now...I guess I should get back to work.