Bad Entry... Sorry...
The Killers is the only thing keeping me sane...
AAARGGH! I HATE EVERYTHING!
Absolutely EVERYTHING has been pissing me off lately! And today must have just been the cherry-on-top.
I HATE SCHOOL, I hate work, I hate numbers and anything foreign to me! I hate the people who walk around in their boring lives, where everything is hunky-dorey, and I hate the teachers, and I hate ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING and ANYTHING possibly pertaining to school!
Take Science for instance: apart from the fact that I understand ABSOLUTELY nothing, I HATE the fact that if you really need to go to the bathroom, Mr Radloff STILL won't let you go, even if it's an emergency. Sometimes girls just CAN'T hold it in! And I hate the fact that today we just wrote a Science test, and that, no matter how much I studied, and no matter how close the answer will be to correct, Mr Radloff will still do everything in his power to prevent me getting marks!
I also HATE the fact that even though my science mark is really low, I don't have another good mark to take it's place. And I laugh in a sick and twisted way at the thought that my music mark (which is a bit higher than my Science) makes my aggregate lower than if I use my Science mark.
And I HATE the fact that I'm not sure whether my friends are being fake with me or not. Some of them probably wouldn't even notice if I wasn't there. No one told me that all the matrics (whose aggregates where over 1400) were called down to the Lecture Theatre today, to get told about Head's A Class. I happened to run into Miss Pool as I was leaving school today, and she told me. I probably would have never known, and I would have been oblivious to it the next term... I'm practically invisible to the rest of the group, no one really cares if I sit there or not.
(And this is the cherry-on-top bit)... I HATE the fact that today I did detention! Since Miss Pool hadn't assigned me work to do today, Mr Watermeyer (just my GODDAMN luck to have him!) gave me a wad of Afrikaans words in alphabetical order, some with their English meanings next to it, which I had to rewrite verbatim. I wrote it really fast and by about 15:30, I was on "U", when the secretary buzzed the classroom and asked if 3 students could come to the office and help fold newsletters. Hoping to God that he wouldn't call me, I tried to keep my head down in the back corner of the class where I'd hidden myself, but, seeing as how things like these take great pleasure in whacking me upside the head, he called me out. He obviously saw it as some kind of REWARD because I'd been working so nicely.
So there I was, standing with 2 other Matric people (not sure what their names where), by the windowsill in the office, with the GODDAMN SUN streaming right in my face, and my fingers getting blackened and raw from continuously folding the stupid things.
Oh, but wait, there's more! The best bit is just here... Having worked my ASS off this term, I thought "Hhhm, maybe there's a slight chance I could get in the top ten (at least 10, which was all I wanted)". I had made it my short-term life goal to get into the top 10 before the end of the year. But guess what??? I DIDN'T! It's always the same people who've been in the top 10 since grade 10, and by now, I've given up on my dream ever coming true. I have come to grips with the fact that I'll always be a LOSER!!!
I mean, what special wonderful talent do I have that makes people go "Wow! Not alot of other people are as good as that..." And I'm referring almost specifically to Academics!!! This term, I thought that going to bed late wasn't bad, if it made me do well in tests the next day, but now I've realised every MOMENT of doing absolutely anything, was a complete and utter waste!
I'm actually really glad I don't go to register, cos if Miss Pool read out where we came in the grade, it'd probably make me wanna catapault myself from the upstairs computer room window... Oh BTW, well done Luc and Laurie.
After school today, my mom was like, "Don't worry, there's still next term..." But I kept trying to explain to her that it won't happen. Term 1 is the easiest term for me, cos if I can't do silly little tests, how am I supposed to do HUGE exams that count for practically the whole term.
Basically, I just hate the fact that I've worked so hard for nothing. My marks still aren't enough to get me into what I want to do at UCT. And I hate (well, not really, it just makes me depressed) the way people say, "You wanna be a doctor???" and "YOU'RE playing Lara Croft in the Matric Play???".
(Note: I won't say, "I hate the way I look" etc... not because I don't, but because I believe that fate does exist, and that I'm really scared that one day I'll end up paralysed, because I wasn't grateful for what I had.)
One of the only imminent things I'm looking forward to is going to Jessica's house on Thursday...
That's why, I think I'm going to resign, I'm not going to try anymore. I know it sounds pathetic but when I got in the car after school today, and after the newsletter thing, I told my mom and just started to cry. I had just set my hopes on coming at least 10th in the grade. So once again, there's nothing that really separates me from the rest of the crowd. I'm just an average person walking by. I'm not a person someone looks at and says, "Wow! That person is really good at, and is the top in Maths, Science or Biology or History etc."
I guess that's what I fear most in life: being a nobody.
PS: And I'm sorry (well, not really) if this has come off as a spoilt, bitchy entry. Everyone else seems to have bad days, so I guess I'm allowed to share mine.
Ms Brightside
AAARGGH! I HATE EVERYTHING!
Absolutely EVERYTHING has been pissing me off lately! And today must have just been the cherry-on-top.
I HATE SCHOOL, I hate work, I hate numbers and anything foreign to me! I hate the people who walk around in their boring lives, where everything is hunky-dorey, and I hate the teachers, and I hate ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING and ANYTHING possibly pertaining to school!
Take Science for instance: apart from the fact that I understand ABSOLUTELY nothing, I HATE the fact that if you really need to go to the bathroom, Mr Radloff STILL won't let you go, even if it's an emergency. Sometimes girls just CAN'T hold it in! And I hate the fact that today we just wrote a Science test, and that, no matter how much I studied, and no matter how close the answer will be to correct, Mr Radloff will still do everything in his power to prevent me getting marks!
I also HATE the fact that even though my science mark is really low, I don't have another good mark to take it's place. And I laugh in a sick and twisted way at the thought that my music mark (which is a bit higher than my Science) makes my aggregate lower than if I use my Science mark.
And I HATE the fact that I'm not sure whether my friends are being fake with me or not. Some of them probably wouldn't even notice if I wasn't there. No one told me that all the matrics (whose aggregates where over 1400) were called down to the Lecture Theatre today, to get told about Head's A Class. I happened to run into Miss Pool as I was leaving school today, and she told me. I probably would have never known, and I would have been oblivious to it the next term... I'm practically invisible to the rest of the group, no one really cares if I sit there or not.
(And this is the cherry-on-top bit)... I HATE the fact that today I did detention! Since Miss Pool hadn't assigned me work to do today, Mr Watermeyer (just my GODDAMN luck to have him!) gave me a wad of Afrikaans words in alphabetical order, some with their English meanings next to it, which I had to rewrite verbatim. I wrote it really fast and by about 15:30, I was on "U", when the secretary buzzed the classroom and asked if 3 students could come to the office and help fold newsletters. Hoping to God that he wouldn't call me, I tried to keep my head down in the back corner of the class where I'd hidden myself, but, seeing as how things like these take great pleasure in whacking me upside the head, he called me out. He obviously saw it as some kind of REWARD because I'd been working so nicely.
So there I was, standing with 2 other Matric people (not sure what their names where), by the windowsill in the office, with the GODDAMN SUN streaming right in my face, and my fingers getting blackened and raw from continuously folding the stupid things.
Oh, but wait, there's more! The best bit is just here... Having worked my ASS off this term, I thought "Hhhm, maybe there's a slight chance I could get in the top ten (at least 10, which was all I wanted)". I had made it my short-term life goal to get into the top 10 before the end of the year. But guess what??? I DIDN'T! It's always the same people who've been in the top 10 since grade 10, and by now, I've given up on my dream ever coming true. I have come to grips with the fact that I'll always be a LOSER!!!
I mean, what special wonderful talent do I have that makes people go "Wow! Not alot of other people are as good as that..." And I'm referring almost specifically to Academics!!! This term, I thought that going to bed late wasn't bad, if it made me do well in tests the next day, but now I've realised every MOMENT of doing absolutely anything, was a complete and utter waste!
I'm actually really glad I don't go to register, cos if Miss Pool read out where we came in the grade, it'd probably make me wanna catapault myself from the upstairs computer room window... Oh BTW, well done Luc and Laurie.
After school today, my mom was like, "Don't worry, there's still next term..." But I kept trying to explain to her that it won't happen. Term 1 is the easiest term for me, cos if I can't do silly little tests, how am I supposed to do HUGE exams that count for practically the whole term.
Basically, I just hate the fact that I've worked so hard for nothing. My marks still aren't enough to get me into what I want to do at UCT. And I hate (well, not really, it just makes me depressed) the way people say, "You wanna be a doctor???" and "YOU'RE playing Lara Croft in the Matric Play???".
(Note: I won't say, "I hate the way I look" etc... not because I don't, but because I believe that fate does exist, and that I'm really scared that one day I'll end up paralysed, because I wasn't grateful for what I had.)
One of the only imminent things I'm looking forward to is going to Jessica's house on Thursday...
That's why, I think I'm going to resign, I'm not going to try anymore. I know it sounds pathetic but when I got in the car after school today, and after the newsletter thing, I told my mom and just started to cry. I had just set my hopes on coming at least 10th in the grade. So once again, there's nothing that really separates me from the rest of the crowd. I'm just an average person walking by. I'm not a person someone looks at and says, "Wow! That person is really good at, and is the top in Maths, Science or Biology or History etc."
I guess that's what I fear most in life: being a nobody.
PS: And I'm sorry (well, not really) if this has come off as a spoilt, bitchy entry. Everyone else seems to have bad days, so I guess I'm allowed to share mine.
Ms Brightside