"Just save your energy...for making up with me.."
Today was Clay's visitation. Shit..it was hard. Bottom line. I spent all my time consoling people before, and trying to make other people stop hurting that I kind of numbed myself to the hurt that I was feeling...thinking that it might make things better for me, not make me dwell on it. But no matter what anyone did before today, nothing could compare to going in and seeing him. Even going out to Will's that night was weird....like he should have been there? Just seeing everyone was a head trip alone, then actually having to go in and see him was even worse. It sucks. It was like everyone was just trying to be happy, but it wasn't really working. Just small talk here and there...just so you didn't have to say the same thing over and over again. It didn't feel right....it still doesn't. People aren't around forever I guess. I mean, you know that. Even when your little you have some knowledge of death. But you never really think that it could happen to you or someone that you're close to. Little things seem slightly more important now. The chances of someone close to you dying tomorrow are slim, but it could happen. It could happen. I haven't felt right lately, and this is just another addition. Another headtrip to analize....food for thought I guess. I need to get my life back on track. For some reason I've been completely off base the last few weeks. I just want to be responsible Katelyn again. Not the one who knowingly puts thigs off, stops going to school, gets an F on her report card, lets her friends down. I don't know...little things are starting to make me happy though. I guess it's always like that right? It's the little things in life that make you happy. Too many "big" things and you're just gonna expect too much out of life, get let down when they don't happen. Graduating from HS, at least getting this year out of the way, will be the biggest sigh of relief I could ever ask for. It's not that I hate school, I'm just not motivated anymore. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be there...nothing to look forward to.
To think that some kid was going to kill himself at school today too, is surreal. Death is somthing you grow into I guess. You just don't understand it. What makes someone want to kill themself? I could always ask my mom if I really wanted to know, but that conversation will never happen. You wish a memory away so much, that eventually you just begin to believe that it never happened. Your brain is a fucked up thing.
I had so much to do today it's rediculous. I haven't really had time to unravel yet. I'm rambling, I apologize. But hey, today was a good day. Despite it all. It was productive. I've gotten all my points in for National Art Honor Society = a pretty damn good start for my chords when I graduate. And I got a lot done at work night for yrbook. (Not to say that my spread looks any better than what a 10 year old could throw together...but it'll do.) I figured things out with G, and that relieves a lot of my stress....it could also potentially prevent me from skipping class anymore. Shit...we only have 5 more weeks, I should be able to stick it out. Two more hurdles (SATs and Finals) and I'm home free bitches. ........hm, maybe it's not all as bad as I thought. Of course I haven't taken either one yet, so the fate of my future is still unknown! lol.
To make myself feel a little better, I finished Brokeback Mountain a few mins ago. Very exciting might I say. The "Gay Cowboy Movie" turned out to be a lot more than just that. It was actually a really good movie. And, yes, I did enjoy watching Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhal make out...but not get each other in the ass...that part I had to turn away from for a min. I am a little freaked out by the fact that Tek has watched it so many times. I mean, I'm a female...it's okay for me to watch it twice, and rewind it back to the love scenes between Heath and Jake like 8 times if I wanted to (not that I did, but..........okay I DID!) but I don't know why I guy would watch it more than once or twice. lol...but hey, whatever he likes I guess.
Walbert, Walbert, Walbert....crossing the line a little there buddy. I don't know. It not that I haven't thought about it and all, but I think we both know what I horrible idea that might turn out to be. We're alright where we are now, and things will def get better for the both of us.
I have to sleep. Considering I have to have this god damn breakfast out to the HS at 7:15 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!! Fucking teachers breakfast....! Fuck breakfast...and fuck casseroles too! I don't know how to make a casserole Mr Grigsby! Damnit. Who eats casserole for breakfast anyway. Couldn't I just buy doughnuts. Miller will eat my damn casserole...he'll eat anything. FUCK!
sigh....night'
XOXO
-K
------------------------------------------------------------
"Girls don't fall in love with "fun"....
-Brokeback Mountain
------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, and I hope that if you ever need to talk, that you know I'm always up for crusin C-Ville with you anytime. Yes, you. I'm sorry and I'm over it all. And if you're not than I except that too. It's just as long as I can say that, for myself, I can feel better about it all. Someday...:)
To think that some kid was going to kill himself at school today too, is surreal. Death is somthing you grow into I guess. You just don't understand it. What makes someone want to kill themself? I could always ask my mom if I really wanted to know, but that conversation will never happen. You wish a memory away so much, that eventually you just begin to believe that it never happened. Your brain is a fucked up thing.
I had so much to do today it's rediculous. I haven't really had time to unravel yet. I'm rambling, I apologize. But hey, today was a good day. Despite it all. It was productive. I've gotten all my points in for National Art Honor Society = a pretty damn good start for my chords when I graduate. And I got a lot done at work night for yrbook. (Not to say that my spread looks any better than what a 10 year old could throw together...but it'll do.) I figured things out with G, and that relieves a lot of my stress....it could also potentially prevent me from skipping class anymore. Shit...we only have 5 more weeks, I should be able to stick it out. Two more hurdles (SATs and Finals) and I'm home free bitches. ........hm, maybe it's not all as bad as I thought. Of course I haven't taken either one yet, so the fate of my future is still unknown! lol.
To make myself feel a little better, I finished Brokeback Mountain a few mins ago. Very exciting might I say. The "Gay Cowboy Movie" turned out to be a lot more than just that. It was actually a really good movie. And, yes, I did enjoy watching Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhal make out...but not get each other in the ass...that part I had to turn away from for a min. I am a little freaked out by the fact that Tek has watched it so many times. I mean, I'm a female...it's okay for me to watch it twice, and rewind it back to the love scenes between Heath and Jake like 8 times if I wanted to (not that I did, but..........okay I DID!) but I don't know why I guy would watch it more than once or twice. lol...but hey, whatever he likes I guess.
Walbert, Walbert, Walbert....crossing the line a little there buddy. I don't know. It not that I haven't thought about it and all, but I think we both know what I horrible idea that might turn out to be. We're alright where we are now, and things will def get better for the both of us.
I have to sleep. Considering I have to have this god damn breakfast out to the HS at 7:15 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!! Fucking teachers breakfast....! Fuck breakfast...and fuck casseroles too! I don't know how to make a casserole Mr Grigsby! Damnit. Who eats casserole for breakfast anyway. Couldn't I just buy doughnuts. Miller will eat my damn casserole...he'll eat anything. FUCK!
sigh....night'
XOXO
-K
------------------------------------------------------------
"Girls don't fall in love with "fun"....
-Brokeback Mountain
------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, and I hope that if you ever need to talk, that you know I'm always up for crusin C-Ville with you anytime. Yes, you. I'm sorry and I'm over it all. And if you're not than I except that too. It's just as long as I can say that, for myself, I can feel better about it all. Someday...:)