(no subject)
I wrote a few weeks ago about how I missed my tears. Now they have come back, full force, without my consent. I'm emotionally battered and broken. My moods turn like a switch. I find myself tearing up at the slightest impetus not related to my own life; movies, speakers at the March for Choice, even articles we read in class. And it's always embarrassing, I can't revel in the hot, salty wetness streaming down my face but instead I tilt my head, staring at the sky to keep the tears bubbled up in my eyes because I can't bear for anyone to see me cry. I can't remember the last time I cried in front of someone. Not because it's been so long, just because I don't like to think about the horrific vulnerability.
I keep thinking of something I read somewhere,
If I loved you, being this close would kill me
I always applied it to my relationship with Dan, when we were so "close", so physically intimate and intertwined, but I didn't love him, I never let him in. And now, well this is just bad for my mental health. Because I am that close, I am that in love, and it is killing me.
And in the midst of this, I'm trying to focus on the feeling of the sun warming my bare skin. I've been away from Arizona for too long. I miss the feeling of the rays baking my flesh, walking outside and it feels as though you've just been put in a toaster. Mmm I love it.
Today I gave a tour to fifteen ESL women that didn't seem to understand a word of what I said, despite my conscious attempt to slow down my rapid speech and e-nun-ci-ate. They just kept staring at me, blankly, but intently, trying to decipher the way my mouth moved and it made me so sad because the stupid words I was saying do not deserve that much focused concentration from anyone, ever.
Founder's Day on Saturday. Hoo-fucking-rah.