i'll never forget...

Jun 05, 2008 21:30

i just started reading a new book. cut. and it's making me want to write something. i guess i get into these moods occassionally, but i don't think i ever really have anything interesting to write. i want to be able to write something good. something that will mean something to someone. something great. but i don't think i can. i don't think i have it in me. i don't think i have anything to write about. well, actually i guess that's not true. there are plenty of things that have happened to me that i should write about. and some of them i have. some of them are too hard to write about. there is too much to say. and they bring back too many memories.

i must have been 15. the phone rang, and i answered it like any other phone call would be answered. but it wasn't a normal phone call. you were crying. i could tell something was wrong before i even heard you speak. you didn't greet me, you didn't call me some affectionate name like you always did. doll, or something of the sort. the atmosphere around me felt strange, as i handed the phone to mom. i don't remember the car ride to your house, or the conversation after i handed off the phone. i remember standing in your living room. the chairs were blue and the fabric tattered. blue, with white squares. tiny white squares. you were in the kitchen. the moment i saw you i felt like i wanted to fall apart. i sat in one of the blue chairs. you couldn't get your words out. your thoughts were tangled up in your mind, but you couldn't get them out of your sobbing lips. you apologized. i remember that. why were you apologizing to me? i think you were embarrassed. even though you weren't capable of speaking your mind, you knew that i shouldn't see you like this. you knew that this moment would haunt me for the rest of my life. you were right there, grandma. i can't get this moment out of my mind. i feel like it's burned in there sometimes. as much as it kills me to remember this day, it something. it's a memory of you, and there are few left that i have. i remember that i wish i had hugged you that day. i wish i had told you i loved you. i wish i had told you that it was okay. it's okay. there was no need for you apologize to me. everything that you did or said after that moment only made me love you more. i'll never forget your trembling voice that day. i'll never forget seeing my grandmother cry because she felt helpless. i would never be able to forget that day if i wanted to. it's okay though.
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