I feel... too much
Where to begin. I suppose with my sister-in-law. Glenn's sister had not been doing so well with her pregnancy, being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and then preeclampsia. My mother and father in law were in Australia on vacation when she was brought into the hospital and was getting steadily worse. Her blood pressure had sky-rocketed and she was at high risk of stroke. The doctor's decided she couldn't wait, as her kidneys were also beginning to be effected, and induced her labor. At that time, knowing my in-laws couldn't be here, I decided to come to New York on Monday and try to help, support, whatever. Just be present. As it turns out, my in-laws were able to get a flight and get back by Sunday and Meredith had had the baby Saturday while I was in the middle of playing A Single Silver Coin (the most amazing, heart wrenching, all the feels game I have ever played in my life). The baby, Aubrey, was 3 lbs 13 oz. and 17 inches long. Her toes look like grains of rice, and she is beautiful and healthy and doing wonderfully. My sister-in-law, Meredith is also doing great, having been discharged from the hospital yesterday, and while she needs to rest, she is also out of danger and doing well. Her and her husband are crazy exhausted, obviously, recovering from the experience and of course, traveling to and from the hospital for feedings and to see their daughter, and while I know it must be heart-breaking for them to be home and not have her there with them, I also can see just how filled with joy they are that she is here and healthy and will be home soon.
I was glad there was some joy today, glad to have the chance to see something beautiful after the horrific events in Boston yesterday. I was on the road when it happened, and didn't find out until a little after four when I got a text from one friend letting me know not to worry, that another friend was handling getting check-ins from people we know. I drove off the road briefly, and had to pull over for a few minutes to compose myself. Then, once I had gotten as much information as I could bear, I called Glenn, Laura, and texted Albert and Myke. I needed to hear that the people I cared about the most were alright, I needed to hear voices, and have some sort of direct contact. Thankfully, by the time I spoke to Laura, she had talk to Rory, and knew that she, Peter, Ian, Greg and many others were all ok. The last person I heard from, either directly, or through social media, was Albert, and once I had heard from all, there was intense relief and grief. that combination of feeling filled me, and I just couldn't stop crying for a while, and even when I did stop crying, I was just so sad. Am so sad. There is this deep sense of loss, and I can't even put into words what it is I feel I've lost.
My mother couldn't understand me. She kept questioning why I was so upset when A. I don't actually LIVE in Boston (doesn't matter that I am in and around there so often I feel like I do sometimes) and B. None of my friends were actually hurt. I just... I couldn't even explain it to her. I just know how I feel and I don't feel like my emotions are wrong in any way, but she had me doubting myself. I was so worried I was being over-dramatic and overly emotional that I hesitated to send a text to someone I care about, and when I did was even apologetic for seeming that way. It's amazing how my mom is one of the few people that can consistently cause me to doubt myself. Today, all I wanted was to contact certain people, people I know are already ok, and just.... chat, talk, hear voices, read words... didn't really matter. I just feel so disconnected right now. What I really crave are physical connections. Hand-holding, hugs, kisses.... but being so far away I just needed something... but I didn't want people having the "God, Cat isn't even here and is being such a drama queen" thoughts, so I didn't. I don't really need anyone to tell me it's silly or whatever to feel this way, or to let my mom get to me this way. I realize it, which is why I am writing it out... I just... I care a lot about a lot of people and I want... reminders of their being safe, and whole. Connections are... super important to me. And I feel so disconnected right now.
I'm so very tired, and so very looking forward to being home, and am so glad that over the course of this coming weekend I have plans to see a number of people that I love and care for (assuming nothing changes between now and then). And if, when I see you, I cling for a while, don't worry. I promise I'll let go eventually.
As to the bombing itself. Besides my emotions over the stuff above, what happened in Boston sickens me, horrifies me, saddens me and scares me. Will it stop me from going into Boston for events, being with friends, or just enjoying the sights as I have done so many times in the past? Not a chance. But will I be able to do so without a slight, lingering fear? Probably not for a long while, and that just pisses me off. I told my mom, after she tried telling me that I was "not allowed" to go into Boston anymore (I'm 12 didn't you know?), that people being afraid to go out is exactly what is wanted by whomever commits acts like the bombing, and that I was NOT going to live in fear, and not going to hide from life.
Re-read, and as usual my thoughts seem dis-jointed and a little puzzled to me, but, well, I am a little dis-jointed and puzzled, so what can I do?
I was glad there was some joy today, glad to have the chance to see something beautiful after the horrific events in Boston yesterday. I was on the road when it happened, and didn't find out until a little after four when I got a text from one friend letting me know not to worry, that another friend was handling getting check-ins from people we know. I drove off the road briefly, and had to pull over for a few minutes to compose myself. Then, once I had gotten as much information as I could bear, I called Glenn, Laura, and texted Albert and Myke. I needed to hear that the people I cared about the most were alright, I needed to hear voices, and have some sort of direct contact. Thankfully, by the time I spoke to Laura, she had talk to Rory, and knew that she, Peter, Ian, Greg and many others were all ok. The last person I heard from, either directly, or through social media, was Albert, and once I had heard from all, there was intense relief and grief. that combination of feeling filled me, and I just couldn't stop crying for a while, and even when I did stop crying, I was just so sad. Am so sad. There is this deep sense of loss, and I can't even put into words what it is I feel I've lost.
My mother couldn't understand me. She kept questioning why I was so upset when A. I don't actually LIVE in Boston (doesn't matter that I am in and around there so often I feel like I do sometimes) and B. None of my friends were actually hurt. I just... I couldn't even explain it to her. I just know how I feel and I don't feel like my emotions are wrong in any way, but she had me doubting myself. I was so worried I was being over-dramatic and overly emotional that I hesitated to send a text to someone I care about, and when I did was even apologetic for seeming that way. It's amazing how my mom is one of the few people that can consistently cause me to doubt myself. Today, all I wanted was to contact certain people, people I know are already ok, and just.... chat, talk, hear voices, read words... didn't really matter. I just feel so disconnected right now. What I really crave are physical connections. Hand-holding, hugs, kisses.... but being so far away I just needed something... but I didn't want people having the "God, Cat isn't even here and is being such a drama queen" thoughts, so I didn't. I don't really need anyone to tell me it's silly or whatever to feel this way, or to let my mom get to me this way. I realize it, which is why I am writing it out... I just... I care a lot about a lot of people and I want... reminders of their being safe, and whole. Connections are... super important to me. And I feel so disconnected right now.
I'm so very tired, and so very looking forward to being home, and am so glad that over the course of this coming weekend I have plans to see a number of people that I love and care for (assuming nothing changes between now and then). And if, when I see you, I cling for a while, don't worry. I promise I'll let go eventually.
As to the bombing itself. Besides my emotions over the stuff above, what happened in Boston sickens me, horrifies me, saddens me and scares me. Will it stop me from going into Boston for events, being with friends, or just enjoying the sights as I have done so many times in the past? Not a chance. But will I be able to do so without a slight, lingering fear? Probably not for a long while, and that just pisses me off. I told my mom, after she tried telling me that I was "not allowed" to go into Boston anymore (I'm 12 didn't you know?), that people being afraid to go out is exactly what is wanted by whomever commits acts like the bombing, and that I was NOT going to live in fear, and not going to hide from life.
Re-read, and as usual my thoughts seem dis-jointed and a little puzzled to me, but, well, I am a little dis-jointed and puzzled, so what can I do?