(no subject)
sometimes i just want to give up
i HATE this
so i went to a new psychiatrist today and she was really awesome. but she determined that i had situational depression. well i could have told her that.
things aren't enjoyable anymore. my mind is constantly racing. i feel like all these feelings and thoughts are consuming me and strangling me and that i'm SCREAMING for help but no one can hear me. but if there was just one more breath, i could go on for just a little longer. if i could just be with daniel one more time, this might not be so hard.
nothing makes me happy anymore. i enjoy things, yes. but when it comes to truly being happy, i haven't been anywhere close sinse march 23, 2005 at 7:45 that morning. i do things on impluse now. whatever it is that will make me feel the slightest bit happy, ANYTHING, i'll do it. i can't stop shopping. there's something about new things that excites me, but the next day it's old and used and not so exciting so i go out and get something else.
i can't stop fighting with the Lord. i know there is a bigger picture to all this. i know God has the most amazing husband for me and he's going to knock me off my feet and love me more than i can even imagine. but i don't want that. i just want to be with daniel. i just want to feel the way he made me feel. i just want to be loved. but not by just anyone or anything. i want to be loved by the one person who kept me going when i just wanted to give up, who gave me that breath of fresh air, who was still there when it seemed like no one else was. i want to have a best friend again, someone who i don't have to explain myself to because they know me better than i know myself.
i wish i could step out of reality for one day and not have to deal with all this because i just don't know how. i don't know how you go on, how you go from day to day, how you have complete faith in the one who took him from you in the first place. i want to understand SO bad, but i'm not supposed to. God is so much bigger than me and i could never even being to understand his ways. i'm praying though, and i'm finding comfort in knowing that my god is crying with me and that he hears my prayers and understands my pain. and in the hardest times of our lives, he carries us. my faith is growing SO SO SO much. that's a positive to all this is guess. i'm so in love with Jesus I can't even begin to tell you guys. i just wish everyone i know could experience how amazing he is on a personal level too.
thanks for all the prayers, they are still very appreciated and very needed. i love you guys.