World So Cold 3
Ok last chapter of this one... yet another to add to my list of completed fics! Now.. i probably should update Brothers in Arms some more...
* * *
Thanks to Rakina who beta'd for me.
* * *
Previous can be found ... http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=k155_me&keyword=Harry+Potter+Fiction&filter=all ... near the bottom...
* * *
Yesterday’s Feelings
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, et al does not belong to me. The song is by The Used! H/D
Words: 2,185
XXX
*Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops*
Stir: one… two… three… I drop the ladle and let the potion boil for five minutes. One… two… three… I drop the ladle again. I set the timer for 40 minutes and leave the room, careful to close the door to my private potions lab behind me. Inside my office, I sink into my chair, soft, leather and oh-so-comfortable.
I resist the urge to sigh as I notice the parchment on my desk. Harry Potter’s latest potions grade - abysmal; and it’s not only in potions, the boy is slipping in every subject, even his famed Defence Against the Dark Arts. A certain sign if there ever was one, yet Albus Dumbledore won’t listen.
He told me to check on the boy that previous summer, after the mutt Sirius Black died, because he was ‘concerned’ over Harry’s wellbeing. And I told him how the Muggles were abusive and neglectful, but he didn’t listen. I, Professor McGonagall, and countless other professors have expressed our concerns and worries about the Boy Who Lived, yet Albus won’t listen. He insists nothing is wrong.
Of course Albus is always right. *Snort.*
Even though the old codger won’t notice or admit Harry has a problem, the rest of the staff will, and we have sworn to keep an eye out for the boy, myself included. I’ve spent five years keeping him alive; it’s a bit late to stop now. ‘Kicking the habit’, sounds like I’m talking about cigarettes.
*Now all those feelings,
Those yesterdays’ feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away
For today is on my mind*
Harry…? When did Harry stop being Potter, and become Harry? I run my hand over my face remembering the events that opened my eyes. Vernon? The fat Muggle uncle… I’m sure his name was Vernon. He had Harry by the hair - the boy’s grown it out a bit - and was kicking him. Harry wasn’t making a noise, and that reminded me of myself: whereas my mother would cry out I never did, and it infuriated my father no end.
And then I saw something I’d never seen before. Harry cried, big fat salty tears, running down his pale, bruised cheeks and my heart shattered. A Muggle did what Voldemort had never done - he broke Harry Bloody Potter. The transformation from ‘son of Potter’, to ‘just Harry’ was sudden but permanent; before I knew it I was over there, wand to the man’s throat and lifting Harry into my arms. I took as many of his things as his whale of a cousin could get me and left.
I spent a week trying to get near Harry, just close enough to apply bruise-salve to his wounds, or check his status. Whenever I’d raise my hand he’d flinch and re-open the wounds. Once, I resorted to strapping him to the bed while he was sleeping, and I made sure he was freed before he woke. I wouldn’t risk any more damage to the boy; mentally or physically.
*Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now*
With a sigh, I cast ‘Tempus’ and I realize almost 35 minutes have been spent reminiscing. I stand and head back towards my lab. My hand touches the handle and is about to turn when someone - some disrespectful disgrace to Wizards everywhere - began to try and beat my door down in the middle of the night. I could have been sleeping, for Salazar’s sake!
I stride to the door and throw it open, my spiteful comments freeze at the sight of my godson - so much like a son to me, much like Harry - with tears spilling unchecked over his cheeks. I sneer anyway: habits die hard they say. Without comment he hands me a piece of paper. My name ‘Severus’ is scrawled across the front of the folded parchment in Harry’s untidy script.
I break the seal, and fight the hysterical noises warring to burst free from my throat. My eyes skim over the paper, before I lock gazes with Draco, demanding with a stare what right he has to be privy to this before me.
“I love him, Sev,” he whispers to me, and my heart breaks along with his own.
*All those feelings,
Those yesterdays’ feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away
For today is on my mind
(Yeah today is on my mind)*
“Dad,
You know, I’ve always wanted to call you that, but I was afraid of how you’d react. I’m glad I had the nerve to write it at least once, this way… well, at least you know. I would have hated to leave you not knowing, I don’t think I’d be able to- go -knowing that you didn’t know how I felt about you.
I’ve already written to Draco and told him how I felt about him. Feel, sorry, I’m still here I guess. Or maybe I’m not. Maybe Hedwig listened to me, and has waited until they pulled me from the lake. Do think it will hurt?” Tear stains were scattered throughout that section of the page, Severus added his own to the mix.
“It’s too late to back out now. I want you to promise me something. I know you care for Draco, but take care of him, ok? Don’t let Lucius hurt him. Please. For me? Also, don’t try to stop me, I need to do this. I have to leave; it hurts, Dad, so much.
Hey that’s twice. I love you, wow! I said it. That’s also twice; I told Draco I loved him as well, you know. Please don’t be sad for me. Hell, I’m not even sure if you’ll miss me. I just thought you deserved to… I don’t know… be told goodbye I guess.
So well, goodbye!
Harry x
I clench my fists and with a start realize I’ve crumpled the letter. I loosen my grip and lovingly caress the paper flat again, before folding it and placing it in my breast pocket.
“Foolish boy, idiot boy,” I mutter as I storm by Draco. Without looking, I know my godson is following me. I don’t need to ask if Draco knows where Harry is, the comment about the lake is good enough for me. Foolish boy! I walk faster, Draco almost running to keep up with me. He’s cold, I can see him shiver but he keeps quiet so I don’t say a word or offer him my cloak. He’d probably refuse anyway.
*Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart*
I can see him now, standing there… in the middle of the lake, its frozen surface shimmering beneath him. He looks so cold. Draco is watching me, and I try to calm myself, I don’t want to scare my godson. But my eyes are wide and my hands are clenched and I know he can sense my distress; Draco was always good at that.
The wind picks up as Draco starts to scream at Harry to get off the ice. It’s as if Hogwarts herself is against us, Hogwarts wants Harry to die. But even as I think it, I know it’s ridiculous. Hogwarts is trying to protect Harry. Not from death, but from us.
I start to move faster again, wondering when I stopped in the first place. Draco is jogging to keep up now but I can’t stop to wait for him, my son needs me. Draco screams again as Harry’s foot comes down hard for a final time. The ice cracks with a ‘snap’ and Harry smiles, so carefree and happy. I haven’t seen him like that since he walked into the Great Hall before his Sorting. As he begins to slip beneath the ice, I throw away dignity and sprint towards him, as fast as my billowing robes will let me.
He whispered ‘I love you’ at the end before he fell, but he was talking to Draco. He smiled at me as well, and I fought to hold Draco back. He tried desperately to get into the water to pull Harry out, but I won’t lose them both. So I keep Draco back, and try to stop myself jumping in his place.
I know when you’ve passed because the wind changes, it stops pushing us back and instead it blows us forward, taking the sheet of fresh snow off the ice as well. The lake has frozen over you. I lift my wand and with a shaky voice I whisper, “Incendio,” and watch as the ice melts.
*Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where feelings mean nothing now*
I move forward, pushing Draco’s shoulders, silently commanding him to stay where he is. The water’s so cold it bites at my skin and my clothing. I shiver as I drag my feet forward. Mindlessly trying to reach you, uncaring of the ice that is forming around the centre of the lake where my curse stopped. It will reach us in minutes, Harry; I have to get you out of there. When I finally reach you, I gather you into my arms, intent on warming you before I remember that you’re gone. I reach the shore and lay you down gently. As soon as your weight is out of my arms I collapse, unable to fight the tears that have been threatening since I received your note. My shoulders shake as I bury my face in my hands and cry for you.
I hear Draco beside me, he sounds like he’s fighting not to be sick and barely winning. You must look bad, which I guess is understandable since its freezing. You chose a great night to disappear. The wind’s back again, and I prepare myself for the same biting lashes as before, only to be disappointed when no pain comes. Instead the wind wraps around me like one of your hugs and I resist the urge to hug it back, because after all it’s only air.
I raise my face, the tears drying on my cheeks, only for the wind to run along my skin and remove the tear track. I give a shaky smile as Draco whispers your name, obviously having come to the same conclusion as myself. With a sigh I get to my feet and lift you into my arms. Together Draco and I head back into the school, past all the nosey students who have come to gawk at the Boy Who Lived, and see what new adventure he’d sneaked out to participate in. Only you aren’t the Boy Who Lived anymore, you’re ‘just Harry’ and you’re dead. Draco sneers at the ones who look smug - Slytherins mostly I notice, though not all of them. Unconsciously I remember their faces and names. We’ll be having a chat tomorrow, I promise myself.
Draco follows as I lead him to my private quarters. I murmur the password and step inside. The room is cold, like you, but I ignore the chill and head to my bedroom where I place you on the bed, pulling the covers back and then tucking you under them. Draco is re-reading his note, I notice, and crying again. I would have followed suit, but I have shed enough tears tonight. Harry would have been so disappointed in me.
*All those feelings,
Those yesterdays’ feelings will all be lost in time
(All be lost in time)
But today I've wasted away
For today is on my mind
For today is on my mind
Yeah today is on my mind*
I get up and light the fire, and I find more blankets to place over you. Sitting at the side of the bed I stroke your cheek and brush the hair out of your eyes. Still wet, I notice. I summon my hairbrush and begin to run it through your hair, adding a drying charm along with it. Draco watches in shock: he is the only other person on the planet who is the recipient of my care and attention. I don’t think he minds sharing so much, because he smiles and leans down to press a soft kiss to your cold lips and then one to my cheek.
“You love him.” It wasn’t a question.
“Like a son,” I answer quietly. “Like I love you.”
*Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart*
He smiles at me, and I return it. I miss you Harry, and I’ll feel lonely without you. But I’m not alone, and neither is Draco. I’ll take care of him for you, and keep him safe. And together neither of us will forget you loved us.
And maybe then my heart will stop breaking.
The End
* * *
Ok this is completed! At bloody last.. please review...
* * *
Thanks to Rakina who beta'd for me.
* * *
Previous can be found ... http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=k155_me&keyword=Harry+Potter+Fiction&filter=all ... near the bottom...
* * *
Yesterday’s Feelings
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, et al does not belong to me. The song is by The Used! H/D
Words: 2,185
XXX
*Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops*
Stir: one… two… three… I drop the ladle and let the potion boil for five minutes. One… two… three… I drop the ladle again. I set the timer for 40 minutes and leave the room, careful to close the door to my private potions lab behind me. Inside my office, I sink into my chair, soft, leather and oh-so-comfortable.
I resist the urge to sigh as I notice the parchment on my desk. Harry Potter’s latest potions grade - abysmal; and it’s not only in potions, the boy is slipping in every subject, even his famed Defence Against the Dark Arts. A certain sign if there ever was one, yet Albus Dumbledore won’t listen.
He told me to check on the boy that previous summer, after the mutt Sirius Black died, because he was ‘concerned’ over Harry’s wellbeing. And I told him how the Muggles were abusive and neglectful, but he didn’t listen. I, Professor McGonagall, and countless other professors have expressed our concerns and worries about the Boy Who Lived, yet Albus won’t listen. He insists nothing is wrong.
Of course Albus is always right. *Snort.*
Even though the old codger won’t notice or admit Harry has a problem, the rest of the staff will, and we have sworn to keep an eye out for the boy, myself included. I’ve spent five years keeping him alive; it’s a bit late to stop now. ‘Kicking the habit’, sounds like I’m talking about cigarettes.
*Now all those feelings,
Those yesterdays’ feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away
For today is on my mind*
Harry…? When did Harry stop being Potter, and become Harry? I run my hand over my face remembering the events that opened my eyes. Vernon? The fat Muggle uncle… I’m sure his name was Vernon. He had Harry by the hair - the boy’s grown it out a bit - and was kicking him. Harry wasn’t making a noise, and that reminded me of myself: whereas my mother would cry out I never did, and it infuriated my father no end.
And then I saw something I’d never seen before. Harry cried, big fat salty tears, running down his pale, bruised cheeks and my heart shattered. A Muggle did what Voldemort had never done - he broke Harry Bloody Potter. The transformation from ‘son of Potter’, to ‘just Harry’ was sudden but permanent; before I knew it I was over there, wand to the man’s throat and lifting Harry into my arms. I took as many of his things as his whale of a cousin could get me and left.
I spent a week trying to get near Harry, just close enough to apply bruise-salve to his wounds, or check his status. Whenever I’d raise my hand he’d flinch and re-open the wounds. Once, I resorted to strapping him to the bed while he was sleeping, and I made sure he was freed before he woke. I wouldn’t risk any more damage to the boy; mentally or physically.
*Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now*
With a sigh, I cast ‘Tempus’ and I realize almost 35 minutes have been spent reminiscing. I stand and head back towards my lab. My hand touches the handle and is about to turn when someone - some disrespectful disgrace to Wizards everywhere - began to try and beat my door down in the middle of the night. I could have been sleeping, for Salazar’s sake!
I stride to the door and throw it open, my spiteful comments freeze at the sight of my godson - so much like a son to me, much like Harry - with tears spilling unchecked over his cheeks. I sneer anyway: habits die hard they say. Without comment he hands me a piece of paper. My name ‘Severus’ is scrawled across the front of the folded parchment in Harry’s untidy script.
I break the seal, and fight the hysterical noises warring to burst free from my throat. My eyes skim over the paper, before I lock gazes with Draco, demanding with a stare what right he has to be privy to this before me.
“I love him, Sev,” he whispers to me, and my heart breaks along with his own.
*All those feelings,
Those yesterdays’ feelings will all be lost in time
But today I've wasted away
For today is on my mind
(Yeah today is on my mind)*
“Dad,
You know, I’ve always wanted to call you that, but I was afraid of how you’d react. I’m glad I had the nerve to write it at least once, this way… well, at least you know. I would have hated to leave you not knowing, I don’t think I’d be able to- go -knowing that you didn’t know how I felt about you.
I’ve already written to Draco and told him how I felt about him. Feel, sorry, I’m still here I guess. Or maybe I’m not. Maybe Hedwig listened to me, and has waited until they pulled me from the lake. Do think it will hurt?” Tear stains were scattered throughout that section of the page, Severus added his own to the mix.
“It’s too late to back out now. I want you to promise me something. I know you care for Draco, but take care of him, ok? Don’t let Lucius hurt him. Please. For me? Also, don’t try to stop me, I need to do this. I have to leave; it hurts, Dad, so much.
Hey that’s twice. I love you, wow! I said it. That’s also twice; I told Draco I loved him as well, you know. Please don’t be sad for me. Hell, I’m not even sure if you’ll miss me. I just thought you deserved to… I don’t know… be told goodbye I guess.
So well, goodbye!
Harry x
I clench my fists and with a start realize I’ve crumpled the letter. I loosen my grip and lovingly caress the paper flat again, before folding it and placing it in my breast pocket.
“Foolish boy, idiot boy,” I mutter as I storm by Draco. Without looking, I know my godson is following me. I don’t need to ask if Draco knows where Harry is, the comment about the lake is good enough for me. Foolish boy! I walk faster, Draco almost running to keep up with me. He’s cold, I can see him shiver but he keeps quiet so I don’t say a word or offer him my cloak. He’d probably refuse anyway.
*Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart*
I can see him now, standing there… in the middle of the lake, its frozen surface shimmering beneath him. He looks so cold. Draco is watching me, and I try to calm myself, I don’t want to scare my godson. But my eyes are wide and my hands are clenched and I know he can sense my distress; Draco was always good at that.
The wind picks up as Draco starts to scream at Harry to get off the ice. It’s as if Hogwarts herself is against us, Hogwarts wants Harry to die. But even as I think it, I know it’s ridiculous. Hogwarts is trying to protect Harry. Not from death, but from us.
I start to move faster again, wondering when I stopped in the first place. Draco is jogging to keep up now but I can’t stop to wait for him, my son needs me. Draco screams again as Harry’s foot comes down hard for a final time. The ice cracks with a ‘snap’ and Harry smiles, so carefree and happy. I haven’t seen him like that since he walked into the Great Hall before his Sorting. As he begins to slip beneath the ice, I throw away dignity and sprint towards him, as fast as my billowing robes will let me.
He whispered ‘I love you’ at the end before he fell, but he was talking to Draco. He smiled at me as well, and I fought to hold Draco back. He tried desperately to get into the water to pull Harry out, but I won’t lose them both. So I keep Draco back, and try to stop myself jumping in his place.
I know when you’ve passed because the wind changes, it stops pushing us back and instead it blows us forward, taking the sheet of fresh snow off the ice as well. The lake has frozen over you. I lift my wand and with a shaky voice I whisper, “Incendio,” and watch as the ice melts.
*Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where feelings mean nothing now*
I move forward, pushing Draco’s shoulders, silently commanding him to stay where he is. The water’s so cold it bites at my skin and my clothing. I shiver as I drag my feet forward. Mindlessly trying to reach you, uncaring of the ice that is forming around the centre of the lake where my curse stopped. It will reach us in minutes, Harry; I have to get you out of there. When I finally reach you, I gather you into my arms, intent on warming you before I remember that you’re gone. I reach the shore and lay you down gently. As soon as your weight is out of my arms I collapse, unable to fight the tears that have been threatening since I received your note. My shoulders shake as I bury my face in my hands and cry for you.
I hear Draco beside me, he sounds like he’s fighting not to be sick and barely winning. You must look bad, which I guess is understandable since its freezing. You chose a great night to disappear. The wind’s back again, and I prepare myself for the same biting lashes as before, only to be disappointed when no pain comes. Instead the wind wraps around me like one of your hugs and I resist the urge to hug it back, because after all it’s only air.
I raise my face, the tears drying on my cheeks, only for the wind to run along my skin and remove the tear track. I give a shaky smile as Draco whispers your name, obviously having come to the same conclusion as myself. With a sigh I get to my feet and lift you into my arms. Together Draco and I head back into the school, past all the nosey students who have come to gawk at the Boy Who Lived, and see what new adventure he’d sneaked out to participate in. Only you aren’t the Boy Who Lived anymore, you’re ‘just Harry’ and you’re dead. Draco sneers at the ones who look smug - Slytherins mostly I notice, though not all of them. Unconsciously I remember their faces and names. We’ll be having a chat tomorrow, I promise myself.
Draco follows as I lead him to my private quarters. I murmur the password and step inside. The room is cold, like you, but I ignore the chill and head to my bedroom where I place you on the bed, pulling the covers back and then tucking you under them. Draco is re-reading his note, I notice, and crying again. I would have followed suit, but I have shed enough tears tonight. Harry would have been so disappointed in me.
*All those feelings,
Those yesterdays’ feelings will all be lost in time
(All be lost in time)
But today I've wasted away
For today is on my mind
For today is on my mind
Yeah today is on my mind*
I get up and light the fire, and I find more blankets to place over you. Sitting at the side of the bed I stroke your cheek and brush the hair out of your eyes. Still wet, I notice. I summon my hairbrush and begin to run it through your hair, adding a drying charm along with it. Draco watches in shock: he is the only other person on the planet who is the recipient of my care and attention. I don’t think he minds sharing so much, because he smiles and leans down to press a soft kiss to your cold lips and then one to my cheek.
“You love him.” It wasn’t a question.
“Like a son,” I answer quietly. “Like I love you.”
*Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart*
He smiles at me, and I return it. I miss you Harry, and I’ll feel lonely without you. But I’m not alone, and neither is Draco. I’ll take care of him for you, and keep him safe. And together neither of us will forget you loved us.
And maybe then my heart will stop breaking.
The End
* * *
Ok this is completed! At bloody last.. please review...