changes
I try to think back to what my life was like when school ended... but I really can't. I'm sure part of me doesn't want to remember, but the other part simply can't recall, as hard as I'm trying. I reflect on it to others almost as one would a past lifetime. Since then, my life has changed.
I'm embarking on my fourth year in New York and I'm still suffering through some of the old problems I've always had. I hate feeling completely vulnerable to the subway system, and even the city itself as it has this strange way of encompassing your plans and gripping the life out of them. I hate feeling vulnerable to the management company and the super; somehow, I feel it's my responsibility even though I can't do a damn thing about it.
To be completely honest, I never liked living here. I wouldn't mind it so much if it were on my terms; but it's not. I feel trapped, beaten, and completely owned by surroundings so much that I don't feel like I'm living my own life. I feel liberated having a car here for the time being; so much that I might buy a motorcycle or a scooter early next year if I can afford it. In fact, it's moved above my getting a new computer, simply because... if I don't improve my living conditions, I won't be able to live here any longer.
I've also learned several things about myself. For instance, I used to think that I never wanted to share my life with anyone. I've learned now that it isn't that I don't like sharing it... I just never liked who I was sharing it with. It's not that I'm selfish, it's that I renounce worrying about anyone else's problems but mine. From this moment forward anyway.
I'm also not to hyped about spending MY money on SVA's advertising campaign to bring more computer art students in. I would like to learn what I learn, do my own projects without them falling subject to being released in attempt to better SVA's enrollment records. Just seeing from how many students last year actually got job offers... I've been terribly disheartened by the entire process.
I'd probably feel better if I had a summer. All the extra money I earned from extra jobs went into medical lab fees, prescriptions, and doctor's visits. I'm finished with doctors at the moment. They've bled quite enough money from me for the time being; I'll risk waiting to go to a specialist to save the extra cash.
Otherwise, I'm very happy. I've found the person I'm spending the rest of my life with. This makes everything that used to be important in my life secondary. I don't know if I can make it two more years without running away from the negativity that surrounds my perfect existence that ends with the door of my room. I hope I can. I hate regrets.
I'm embarking on my fourth year in New York and I'm still suffering through some of the old problems I've always had. I hate feeling completely vulnerable to the subway system, and even the city itself as it has this strange way of encompassing your plans and gripping the life out of them. I hate feeling vulnerable to the management company and the super; somehow, I feel it's my responsibility even though I can't do a damn thing about it.
To be completely honest, I never liked living here. I wouldn't mind it so much if it were on my terms; but it's not. I feel trapped, beaten, and completely owned by surroundings so much that I don't feel like I'm living my own life. I feel liberated having a car here for the time being; so much that I might buy a motorcycle or a scooter early next year if I can afford it. In fact, it's moved above my getting a new computer, simply because... if I don't improve my living conditions, I won't be able to live here any longer.
I've also learned several things about myself. For instance, I used to think that I never wanted to share my life with anyone. I've learned now that it isn't that I don't like sharing it... I just never liked who I was sharing it with. It's not that I'm selfish, it's that I renounce worrying about anyone else's problems but mine. From this moment forward anyway.
I'm also not to hyped about spending MY money on SVA's advertising campaign to bring more computer art students in. I would like to learn what I learn, do my own projects without them falling subject to being released in attempt to better SVA's enrollment records. Just seeing from how many students last year actually got job offers... I've been terribly disheartened by the entire process.
I'd probably feel better if I had a summer. All the extra money I earned from extra jobs went into medical lab fees, prescriptions, and doctor's visits. I'm finished with doctors at the moment. They've bled quite enough money from me for the time being; I'll risk waiting to go to a specialist to save the extra cash.
Otherwise, I'm very happy. I've found the person I'm spending the rest of my life with. This makes everything that used to be important in my life secondary. I don't know if I can make it two more years without running away from the negativity that surrounds my perfect existence that ends with the door of my room. I hope I can. I hate regrets.