Conflicted
So... 2011 is coming to an end in 6 days and while everyone is taking stock and checking off their resolution lists, I'm battling conflicting emotions.
I'm doing my best to be all bright and sunshiny, frankly optimism isn't one of my best traits. I've been feeling like I've failed my 2011 report card.
Having a baby is a big deal but it wasn't one of my bucket list item and I'm unwilling to accept this is THE ONLY thing I've done all year. It feels like I've WASTED A YEAR of my life AND LOST MYSELF.
Is this what PND looks like?
It does not mean I don't love Clover or that I love her less. While she has added joy in my life and is getting cuter (mannerism / personality not just looks) by the day, I'm still struggling with the concept of SELF.
And really, she's not an easy baby. Healthy, yes; for which I cannot be more thankful for. Easy, HELL NO. I'm not sure if it's genetics or 胎教 (for the lack of a better phrase prenatal education), the fact that I was running around working like mad, she DOES NOT keep still even for a moment. And this observation came from a number of Mr. P's colleagues.
Clover isn't one of those babies who could be left on a playmat and expected to be in the safe zone while the caretaker does other chores; she is a bad eater; a light sleeper who would not nap on her own (partly our fault). She's opinionated, discerning and feisty; all great traits for when she's older and out my door but truly not the easiest to manage when her only way of communication involves babbling in various volumes (usually loud or louder).
Right... Back to me. I've felt lost and unaccomplished since New York, which explains the lack of posts. All I have is a big ? hanging over my head.
While I have an incredibly supportive husband who is the best man for the job, I can't help but feel I've given up a lot more for a life that he wanted more than I do. And now I can't change any of it.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.