I lost the title but here're some random thoughts on motherhood
I've been very honest about this mothering journey, perhaps a little too much at times. I'd like to think that I am presenting a fair view of motherhood; there are rewards (which are more evident AFTER 6 months) along with a whole host of challenges that you cannot prepare adequately for. There are plenty of dark entries in 2011 to last a lifetime. If I didn't have a champion of a husband, strong familial support and encouragements from strangers via the journal, I might have succumbed to PND.
As an acquaintance puts it, "I didn't think motherhood was going to be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard."
I don't always write about the excellent progress that Clover is making mainly because of my irrational fear of jinxing things but I should really; to celebrate my fiesty little ADHD powerpuff girl.
I wasn't sure if I wanted kids mainly because I didn't know if I have my mother's capacity to love us. But I was certain that I never wanted to have a child out of wedlock and that the father of any children I might bore has to be someone who I can live with AND I cannot live without. Plus he has to be a hands-on dad; someone who is the opposite of my own. On 31st October 2009, I married such a wonderful man. I was living my dream (use loosely) - DINKs so in love, travelling the world, sharing much laughter.
I knew that Mr. P wanted children as much as God willing (read: no IUI nor IVF) and he would make a great father (the best). Bearing in mind our age gap, we came to an agreement - we would shag a whole lot but if at the end of 3 years there is no child then it's over. I secretly believe that being on the pill since I was 17 woud hurt my fertility.
When we found out barely 5 months after I stopped taking contraceptives that I was 4 weeks along, I wasn't ready. I was not one of these people who "cannot wait to be a mom". Here's a confession: I wasn't sure if I wanted the child (and I only confessed to Mr. P about a month ago). I saw it as the end of my life as I knew it. There is no denying that being a mother meant overhauling almost my entire life and I think it's worse being in HK - party town, party friends, alcohol, travel, etc...
An aside:
All my fears, despair and frustrations were well documented; I am sure one day Clover would come across them and question me about it. My answer would be: I love you before you were born and I never stopped loving you even in my despair so never doubt my love for you.
Now 7 months later, I guess I would be expected to say things like "oh I cannot imagine life without Clover" yada yada yada... Truth is there are rare occasions (and they are getting rarer) when I still do miss being able to jet off on a whim, check out new restaurants, attend preview parties when I fancy and have a bottle of wine then conk out till 11am the next day. (I mean I spent 10 years doing some of these activitives it's going to be awhile before I stop missing them!)
Onto the good bits... Clover is a blessing and a joy; I can see how she has brought my tight-knit clan even closer. She has strengthened my marriage, rather the difficulties of dealing with her for the first 5 months have. Our days have more or less settled into a routine. Her personlity is emerging every single day; a mish-mash of Mr. P and I but definitely a whole lot of her. Physically she's got quick eyes and hands, strong legs, the most delightful smiles and those gorgeous eyes that melt hearts.
The sweetest (and occasionally annoying) thing has been her strong attachment to me. When we were back in Singapore last week, she would not let anyone carry her, not my mom nor sister. She went "mamama...mama! mama!" every single time they carried her away from me and would lunged for me the moment I got near enough to her. And she has a special mommy smile for me for as long as I can remember (Mr. P pointed out months ago, my sister did too when she was over in June).
Mr. P and I are beginning to restore some bits of our old lives - we entertained at home a few times now with her asleep upstairs; we had our first date night in SEVEN months at one of our favourite restaurants (Enoteca) just this Monday and we actually didn't stop travelling. Clover has done EIGHT flights including 2 long hauls all before she is even a year old, how's that for a seasoned traveller.
Maybe one day I will have a chance to rectify my mistake and Gina Ford our next kid from the hospital bed! Then there may not even be a lifestyle change.