amanda grace rush
i am crazy about her, she makes me smile, makes my problems go away.. with her all i want is to learn more, be closer, and to see the look in her eyes when she smiles..
but i dont see that anymore and my mind starts to stray... just stray back to unhappiness... i wish there was a way for her to see what she means to me.. a way to show her how i have acted towards everyone else... and how the way i treat her is different... i have not liked someone this much in soooo long..
she is beautiful, sweet, silly, unique, smart.. she really does have her life pointed in the right direction.. i just want to be a part of that plan... no not like getting married.. just want to be there when all of her other things are taken care of...
but right now i dont know if she wants me around at all.. or just on rare occasions.. i miss being next to her.. walking around, being goofy.. i miss the movies.. and the way we just fit well together.. i miss how my heart beat so fast when i first met her that i actually had to leave the room... i felt shy.. yes.. james was shy for once.. i miss how i just looked at her with a retarded smile every time she was standing on my porch...
she overwhelmed me with happiness.. she made life so beautiful.. even when we were sitting around doing nothing.. or when she was telling me to stop tickling her.. it was innocent.. it was pure.. it was amazing.. and i have not had those moments in sooo long... but she does not realize this.. she doesnt know how things used to be.. because i dont know how to tell her... i dont know how to explain that i have hurt people, i have been hurt.. i have always had a big heart but no one could ever find a way to get in and occupy it fully...
she has.. she broke down my barriers.. she was and is so beautiful... she is mandar.. she is mandarrarar.. heh, she can still make me smile.. i could hold her in my arms forever... i just dont know if that will ever happen.. i do know that if it does my life is going to change... if i get this chance i will focus myself on the future.. school, work, moving.. everything... right now i just have little reason to even wake up... i feel beaten.. i feel punished.. not by her.. just punished for everything i have ever done... i am a good person.. not all of you agree.. not all of you think i deserve to be happy.. but the few of you that have been around me know that i am a good guy... i am caring, and i dont always put myself first...
i hate being weak like this.. i am supposed to be the strong one.. the one thats unaffected.. the one with advice... she has brought me to reality... and with that i have seen true pain.. and true happiness... i know what i want now.. just as i knew what i wanted when she broke up with me... i want amanda.. i want to have my arms open to her.. i want her to have the silly happiness that her friends notice in her again..
everyone that has seen us together.. lisa, victor, brian.... people who have heard me talk about you constantly.. victor! jennifer! Katie! they know that with you i am different.. its a different happiness.. its a different spark.. life is different with you amanda... life is beautiful.. the cold doesnt matter.. i would drive though anything to see you.. i would do whatever it takes just to see your smile again...
i miss your shirts.. your cloths.. your lip gloss... i miss you million smiles that picked me up out of the gutter and showed me a place that was beautiful, exquisite, gorgeous, it was a place thats beauty was only second to your own...
i miss her.. i miss amanda... i hope im not the only one who has noticed i am crazy about this girl.. i hope i have not hidden that from the world...
she is all i look forward to.. and now she is gone.. i hope one day she is back and smiling at me.
=/
but i dont see that anymore and my mind starts to stray... just stray back to unhappiness... i wish there was a way for her to see what she means to me.. a way to show her how i have acted towards everyone else... and how the way i treat her is different... i have not liked someone this much in soooo long..
she is beautiful, sweet, silly, unique, smart.. she really does have her life pointed in the right direction.. i just want to be a part of that plan... no not like getting married.. just want to be there when all of her other things are taken care of...
but right now i dont know if she wants me around at all.. or just on rare occasions.. i miss being next to her.. walking around, being goofy.. i miss the movies.. and the way we just fit well together.. i miss how my heart beat so fast when i first met her that i actually had to leave the room... i felt shy.. yes.. james was shy for once.. i miss how i just looked at her with a retarded smile every time she was standing on my porch...
she overwhelmed me with happiness.. she made life so beautiful.. even when we were sitting around doing nothing.. or when she was telling me to stop tickling her.. it was innocent.. it was pure.. it was amazing.. and i have not had those moments in sooo long... but she does not realize this.. she doesnt know how things used to be.. because i dont know how to tell her... i dont know how to explain that i have hurt people, i have been hurt.. i have always had a big heart but no one could ever find a way to get in and occupy it fully...
she has.. she broke down my barriers.. she was and is so beautiful... she is mandar.. she is mandarrarar.. heh, she can still make me smile.. i could hold her in my arms forever... i just dont know if that will ever happen.. i do know that if it does my life is going to change... if i get this chance i will focus myself on the future.. school, work, moving.. everything... right now i just have little reason to even wake up... i feel beaten.. i feel punished.. not by her.. just punished for everything i have ever done... i am a good person.. not all of you agree.. not all of you think i deserve to be happy.. but the few of you that have been around me know that i am a good guy... i am caring, and i dont always put myself first...
i hate being weak like this.. i am supposed to be the strong one.. the one thats unaffected.. the one with advice... she has brought me to reality... and with that i have seen true pain.. and true happiness... i know what i want now.. just as i knew what i wanted when she broke up with me... i want amanda.. i want to have my arms open to her.. i want her to have the silly happiness that her friends notice in her again..
everyone that has seen us together.. lisa, victor, brian.... people who have heard me talk about you constantly.. victor! jennifer! Katie! they know that with you i am different.. its a different happiness.. its a different spark.. life is different with you amanda... life is beautiful.. the cold doesnt matter.. i would drive though anything to see you.. i would do whatever it takes just to see your smile again...
i miss your shirts.. your cloths.. your lip gloss... i miss you million smiles that picked me up out of the gutter and showed me a place that was beautiful, exquisite, gorgeous, it was a place thats beauty was only second to your own...
i miss her.. i miss amanda... i hope im not the only one who has noticed i am crazy about this girl.. i hope i have not hidden that from the world...
she is all i look forward to.. and now she is gone.. i hope one day she is back and smiling at me.
=/