Free at Last! Free at Last... Thank God I'm Free at Last!
Well well that relationship lasted just about a month and I'm not really sad at all... We were spending way too much time together and I was neglecting my friends... Speaking of friends I don't think she had any real friends except the ones on Livejournal... Oh but goddamn did she have family... Every other day she was going to see her mother or her father and her brother or her retarded nephew playing basketball God forbid if she missed a game... She'd come back from some autistic kids basketball game and I had to listen to the complete rundown of how they almost won but their helmets kept falling off or Timmy crapped his pants... Family shit bores the fuck out of me... Uninteresting people always love their family because they're the only people that HAVE to love you... I think it was less than a week and she wanted me to meet her parents which just makes me want to puke blood... Oh but fuck if I said I wasn't into that like I punched her in the stomach... Which was just about every time I opened my mouth... It was always something that hurt her feelings... If I said anything at all about her computer it was like a direct comment on her life... It's one thing to be attached to your material objects It's just pathetic when you actually identify with them... "Oh my God your making fun of MY computer so that means you're making fun of ME! You didn't like the water pressure in MY tub so that means I'M stupid! I had weird soap in the bathroom and you asked if I had regular soap so if you don't like MY soap you don't like me! That really hurts because I AM my computer and I AM the water pressure in the tub and I AM the soap!" Jesus H. Fucking Christ! This cunt was just a giant exposed nerve... Talking to her was like someone jamming a turd in my ear... If she told a joke and I didn't laugh I had to fill out a ten page questionnaire on how and why I didn't think it was funny... Then I'd get more pissy feelings crap about how it was some kind of assault on her life or her family or her job or apartment or her car... One time I just said, "I've been doing comedy twenty years. You're going to have to wake up a bit earlier if you're trying to make me laugh." Whenever I said anything funny at all I felt like I was trying to show a dog a card trick and/or she'd start bawling like it was the cruelest thing anyone ever said... I think there's something in the Bible about couples being evenly yoked... That's the problem I always have with women... If you're better at doing anything at all they just get pissed at you... If you're smarter or funnier or if you can fix their fucked up shit they really don't want to hear it... It just hurts their FEELINGS and you have to phrase everything in such a way that you're not putting them down... Oh but they want to be equal! Well that's all fine and dandy but what if you’re NOT equal? Do I have to act stupid just to make you feel better? If I know something you don't is that just a slap in your face? Oh and Goddamn it was just endless... I knew more about computers, I've read more books, I could fix shit in her apartment, I was funnier, I could make her cum in two seconds, I had less problems, I was a better writer, I had a cooler job, I had more songs on my computer, I had a cooler website, I could play the guitar, I knew more philosophy, religion, history and literature... Anytime I said anything at all I was a know it all... I suppose it would seem that way if you don't know shit or if your favorite books are Stephen King and mystery crime novels... Hey wait! She probably read more mystery crime novels than me I should give her a break... She probably watched more Law and Order episodes... THAT's something I've never done... I don't think I have sat through one fucking episode of that shit show... First off it's not funny and it's a pointless waste of time where you're supposed to feel like the police are the coolest people in the world when they catch the serial killer... In real life they're just writing tickets or arresting some homeless guy for walking around... God I hate that show... That should be my next rule of dating... I'll ask women if they like Law and Order... If they say yes it's their favorite show I just get up and leave... Whoop-de-fucking-do! "They caught the bad guy and now the streets are safe again! What would we do without you Mr. Lone Ranger! Oh no! Timmy's trapped in the well! He was playing basketball and his helmet was too tight so he just wandered off! Oh save us Masked Man! There are bad men out there who want to piss on his head! They killed his dog! I think they're on drugs and they're black! We need Pleasantville to be a place where children can grow up to trust the policeman!" God it just makes me want to projectile vomit a giant stream of green shit from my asshole...